Ro and 'Dan's Incredible Roadside Freakshow
by The Furious Fates
Summary: Prankster twins, Elrohir and Elladan, pull one prank too many. Manwe and Varda decide to teach them a lesson by sending them on a little '"vacation." Other characters to follow. Humor," downgraded to PG13, 'cause we're starving for reviews...R & R!
1. Tweak It

**Disclaimer: **We don't own LOTR, or any of its characters, and we're doing this strictly for fun and because we cannot hold off the plot bunnies any longer. They are very big bunnies. Very big, scary bunnies. You would not like to meet them in a dark alley.

**Summery:** Elladan and Elrohir, everyone's favorite prankster twins pull one prank too many. Manwe and Varda decide to step in and teach them a lesson by sending them on a little "vacation." More members of LOTR will follow in later chapters. Humor, rated PG13. PLEASE REVIEW!

A/N: This is our first ever co-authored fic written by the Furious Fates, Southerngirl4615 and Tongue in Cheek Scribe. We may have other authors joining in as time goes onâAnyone interested should email one of us. This is the way it worksâwe each add one chapter at a time, picking up where the other left off. Of course, this means we have no idea where this story is headingâso it's gonna get interesting, folks.

**"'Ro and 'Dan's Incredible Roadside Freakshow"**

Chapter 1 

**Tweak It**

_"What are they up to now?" Manwe asked Varda, as they sat in the tower Ilmarin in Valinor, gazing into the slivery waters of a scrying mirror. _

_"You won't believe itâthey've gone into Mordor, of all places, after their father implicitly forbid them toâthey've picked up bits and pieces of Sauron's machines and have fitted them together. Now they're trying to see if it will do anything."_

_"They never learn! What do they hope to accomplish? Elrond is much too lenient with those two. They've been pulling pranks on unsuspecting folk since they took their first steps! I think it's time for us to step in and teach them a lesson they'll not soon forget!"_

_"What did you have in mind? Shall we have them go bald? Sprout feathers? Ooohâwe could give them the hiccups for a couple of decades"_

_"No, my dearâI have a much better idea. They must learn that their actions have consequences. The twins are going on a little vacation"_

_Manwe whispered to Varda his plans, and their laughter echoed throughout Valinor. _

"Give it another tweak."

"It doesn't need another tweak, 'Dan. It's fine as it is."

"It needs more tweaking."

"Do _you_ want to do this? If you _really_ want to do this, just say so."

"No, no - you're doing fine. Just give it another tweak. I really think it needs another good, hard tweak."

"Will you SHUT UP?" Elrohir yelled at his brother, Elladan, as they crouched on their haunches near the river, their long dark hair lifting in the breeze. They were looking at a very odd conglomeration of metal sitting on the ground before them. It was black as night, rusted red as blood, and smelled strongly of brimstone. It was attached to a small paddle wheel that was turning in the nearby water of the river. "It does _NOT_ need more tweaking. It has been _tweaked_ to perfection."

"I think that doo-hickey there needs more tweaking," Elladan said, pointing to a rod sticking out of one side of the machine.

"IT DOES NOT NEED MORE TWEAKING!"

"Alright, alright! If you're so sure, turn it on then."

Elrohir reached for the switch that would, theoretically, start the machine, but paused before flicking it. He turned to his brother, a slightly worried look on his handsome face.

"Elladan, do you really think it wise to actually try turning this thing on? It's not as if we even know what it's going to doâI mean, it was interesting picking over the remains of the metal in the pits of Mordor, and fitting them all togetherâbut what if it explodes, or something? I'd hate to have to explain to Ada why I'm missing a limb."

"Don't be such a worrywart, 'Ro. It'll be fineâwe've spent so much time on this thing already that we've just got to see what it does - if it does anything at all. It probably won't even start. Go ahead, flip the switch!"

Cringing, and turning his head to the side, hunching his shoulders and screwing his eyes shut, Elrohir reached out with one slender finger and flipped the switch on the machine.

Nothing. Not a blessed thing. Not a spark - not a whine - nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

The twins were quite disappointed.

They sat staring at the heap of metal for a moment or two longer, pulling on one piece, and pushing on another.

"I _told_ you it needed more tweaking" Elladan growled, giving his twin a shove.

"We could tweak this thing until the last ship sails for Valinor, and it _still_ wouldn't do anything!" Elrohir snapped, giving Elladan a shove back. The twins stood up, looking down at the machine.

"Well, that was a _complete_ waste of time," Elrohir said, standing a giving the machine a swift kick. "We'd better start back to Rivendell. Ada will have kittens if he finds out we've been to Mordor."

The twins began the long journey back to The Last Homely House, unaware that Elrohir's last kick had begun a reaction within the machine's core. They didn't see the machine begin to glow, or hear the low humming sound emanating from within the machine. They were still too busy arguing over whether or not more tweaking would have helped.

They did, however, feel the blinding, engulfing flash that knocked them both flat before the world went dark.


	2. Its Called Walking Boys

A/N- SouthernGirl here. Its my turn now. Mwhahahaha ! **Elladan**: I'm scared. **Elrohir**: Me too. **ME**: Never fear boys. You're in good hands. **Elladan** and **Elrohir**: Eep !  
  
Disclaimer: I don't think I own it. Unless I bought it while I was in my brain dead induced coma. Hold on let me check. Nope, still don't own it. Darn ! Oh, I also don't use one of the sayings in this chapter. It belongs to Bacon from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.  
  
Its Called Walking Boys  
  
The sun shone brightly onto the white sands causing the dunes to become blistering hot. The water glistened as the waves crashed weakly upon the shore. And...the beach was pretty much empty save for the few surfers who awoke at an ungodly hour in the hopes of catching the much elusive big wave. So the big white orb that grew above the water to a size that could block out the sun went relatively unnoticed by the bummed out water worshipers. What came out of the orb was another thing entirely. Two dark haired elves fell out of the bright light with an audible pop and splashed into the water. Why they went splash and not splat from the sheer height they fell is still not understood. The twins broke the surface of the water at the same time.  
  
"Give it another tweak. It won't work. See if I ever listen to you again," Elrohir muttered, spitting a mouthful of salty water at his brother.  
  
"I said it probably wouldn't work. There is a difference you know." Elladan then sprayed a stream of ocean water at his twin. "Besides, you were the one who kicked it."  
  
"Whatever. We should probably start swimming to shore."  
  
So the twins began to do exactly that. Elladan, while he was swimming, was scanning his surroundings. "Where in Arda are we," he yelled when nothing looked familiar.  
  
"I don't know where Arda is but this ain't it," a voice called from the beach. Both twins looked at the strangely clothed stranger. "This is Myrtle Beach. And just to let you guys know, you're treading in about five feet of water. I think its safe to stand."  
  
Both twins stood up while looking at one another completely puzzled. The person on the beach just rolled the eyes and sighed.  
  
"Come on. One foot in front of the other. Left, right. Your body will follow. Its called walking boys."  
  
The twins waded through the water until they finally stood in front of the person that puzzled them more than anything. They took in the attire which was a skin tight tunic and leggings of some sort but they were made into one piece. Elladan decided that he would be first to speak and thank the friendly person.  
  
"Thank you for all of your help, sir."  
  
"Sir ?" the stranger questioned, going ramrod straight.  
  
"Uhm, 'Dan, I think I should tell you something," Elrohir tried to butt in but his brother kept running his big mouth.  
  
"Yes. You are a boy are you not ? You wear your hair in the style of the boys of our land. You dress like a man. So therefore you must be a man."  
  
The last thing Elladan remembered was being sucker punched in the face before his back hit the sand. Elrohir smiled nervously. "I tried to tell him that you were a woman but he never listens. I am Elrohir, son of Elrond, Lord of Imladris. The loud mouth is my brother Elladan. You may call us 'Ro and 'Dan if you wish."  
  
"I'm Samantha but you can call me Sam. I think I need to call the crazy house for the two of you." 'Ro gave her a questioning look so Sam explained herself. "Elrond and his sons are fictional. You know, made up. So you've either hit your head or you're nuts."  
  
"I assure you neither of those things are true."  
  
"Uhm, okay. Lets move on now shall we."  
  
A great roaring from the once calm water drew everyone's attention. Sam could only stand there as she stuttered ",W-W-Wh-What is that ?"  
  
"Not what. Who," 'Ro corrected her.  
  
Sam didn't hear him though since she had joined Elladan on the sand in a dead faint.  
  
A/N-Short. I know. The darn plot bunnies decided to watch a Stargate marathon. Hey, Tongue in Cheek Scribe, Tag you're it. 


	3. Call Me Ishmael

**Disclaimer:** We don't own anything. Not a single, solitary, freaking thing. Are you happy now?

**A/N:** Hi folks! This is Tongue In Cheek Scribe, and it's my turn again! **Legolas: **Quick! Stop her before it's too late! **Me:** Get a grip, Lego. You're not even in this one...yet. Key word being "yet." **Elladan:** Southerngirl had me get sucker punched! What's with _that_? **Legolas:** Get used to it...they do that a lot. If they're not making you get sucker punched, then they're making you drop your drawers.

Chapter 3 

**Call Me Ishmael**

Elrohir stood on the deserted beach, with his brother and new friend Sam laid out on the sand, watching an enormous wave rise up over the waterline, taking on a definite shape.

Looking down at his brother, Elrohir gave Elladan a few not-so-gentle nudges with his foot. "Wake up, 'Dan! We've got company!" he yelled.

"Oh, man..." Elladan moaned, pushing himself up to a sitting position on the sand, and rubbing his jaw. "What the hell hit me?"

"She did."

"_She_?" Elladan asked, looking down at Sam's unconscious form.

"You would have known that if you EVER listened to me."

"Since when are you the know-it-all-be-all-of-the-universe?"

"Since _I_ knew she was a girl, and _you_ didn't."

"WILL YOU TWO STOP BICKERING FOR ONE ERU-DAMN MOMENT?" came a thunderous, rather wet voice.

'Ro and 'Dan looked over toward the water. The giant wave had taken the form of a man's head, and the Wave Head was speaking.

"I am Ulmo, of the Valar, Lord of the Waters," the Wave Head said, pausing for effect. When there was no visible reaction from 'Dan or 'Ro, he rolled his watery eyes, and continued on. "It has been the decision of Manwe, King of the Valar that, since you two knuckleheads have never learned how to behave like proper Elves, you are to be imprisoned here in this world, far from your own home, until such a time that you prove yourselves capable of acting like mature Elves. What do you have to say for yourselves?"

Sam sat up on the sand, rubbing her hands over her face. She looked up at the twins, then over at the water. Seeing the giant Wave Head, her eyes rolled back in her head and she flopped right back down on the sand again.

"Sheesh. We're not going to get anywhere with her if she keeps nodding off like that," Elladan said, looking down at the girl's prone figure.

"WILL YOU TWO PAY ATTENTION!" Ulmo bellowed, spitting sea foam all over the twins.

"Ugh! Wave spit...that's just nasty," Elrohir said, wiping his face with his sleeve.

"Yeah...say it, don't spray it, Waveboy," Elladan chimed in, wiping his face with his brother's sleeve.

"Knock it off, 'Dan!" Elrohir shouted, grabbing his arm back from his twin.

"THAT IS IT! I will not be ignored by a couple of dimwitted, scatterbrained, wet behind the pointed ears, Elflings! You had the chance to kiss my wet butt and maybe get me to change my mind and put in a good word for you, but you blew it! You are here until I'm good and ready to bring you back home!" Ulmo thundered. The Ulmo Wave Head exploded in a geyser of water.

"Now look what you did!" Elladan yelled, pushing Elrohir.

"Look what _I_ did? Look what _you_ did!" Elrohir shouted, pushing Elladan.

"Will you _both_ please shut up? Is it possible for you two to go five minutes without yelling at each other?" Sam asked from the sand. She had missed the Wave Head's grand exit by about a nanosecond.

Hauling herself up from the sand, she stood looking up at the twins.

"You decked me," Elladan said, looking down at the top of Sam's head.

"You insulted me," Sam answered, glaring up at the tall elf. She squinted a little, seeing something a little odd about Elladan's ear.

Reaching up, she lifted his still wet hair to expose the pointed tip of his right ear.

"Holy mother of mac & cheese...your ears are pointed! Some kind of birth defect, huh?" she asked, sympathy in her voice.

"No...we told you that we were Elrond's sons. You knew who Elrond was, though you insisted that he was fictional." Elladan said. Turning to his brother, he added, "Ada would get a kick out that, you know..._fictional_! Ha!"

"Are you trying to tell me that you're Elves? Like the-One-Ring-to-bind-them-Middle-Earth-sleep-with-their-eyes-open _Elves_?" she asked, looking from one brother to the other.

"Are there any other kind?" asked Elrohir, pushing his hair behind his ears so Sam could see that they were pointed, too.

Sam had been more than willing to dismiss what she had thought she saw in the water as sunstroke before she saw the Elves' ears. Now she wondered if she had _not_ imagined the giant Wave Head.

"Who was that in the water?" she asked the twins, feeling a little silly for even voicing the question.

"Ulmo,of the Valar, Lord of the Waters...I think. It seems we're being punished just for having a little fun back home...I guess we're stuck here."

Sam was having a bit of a hard time processing all of this information. She sat back down on the sand to try to sort things out.

From up the beach, a voice called, "Sam...SAMANTHA...are we going or not?"

Looking in that direction, Elrohir and Elladan saw another female jogging lightly over the sand in their direction, her long ponytail bobbing behind her.

"At least this one has proper hair for a female," Elladan whispered, elbowing his brother in the ribs.

"Yes...but it's _purple_," Elrohir replied, cocking an eyebrow at the advancing figure.

"Can't have everything," Elladan said simply, shrugging his shoulders.

"Sam, are you okay?" the new girl asked her friend, seeing her sitting in front of the two strangers.

"Yeah...yeah...I'm fine. Crazy, maybe. Nuttier than Mr. Peanut, maybe. But fine," Sam answered not moving from her seat in the sand.

"I am Elrohir, and this is my brother, Elladan. 'Ro and 'Dan, for short."

"Call me Ishmael. Before you say a word, you should know that my parents had a twisted sense of humor - it's Misha for short," the new arrival said. Looking down at Sam, she asked, "Why are you still sitting there? We have to get back!"

"Misha...um...you better sit down. I need to tell you a few things about my new friends, here."

**A/N:** Back to you, southerngirl...or whoever's posting next!


	4. Enter the DragonWoman

A/N- Hello, SouthernGirl again. Just updating this. **Legolas**: Listen up author girl, if you have me drop trow we will have some serious problems. **SG**: Now, Legolas, only Tongue in Cheek Scribe does that. **Legolas**: Good. **SG**: I just make you sleep with fangirls. Is that any better? **Legolas**: Going now.  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing associated with Tolkien.  
  
Enter the Dragon-Woman  
  
Sam continued to sit in the sand explaining everything that had transpired since the twins had crashed landed. Well, everything that she could remember that is. The twins had to fill in the blanks as far as Ulmo was concerned. When all was said and done, Misha just looked down at Sam with a concerned look.  
  
"You have obviously been out in the sun too long." Misha spun on her heel to face the twins ",As for you two. I thought that two Trekkies would know better than to take advantage of a girl so gullible. Or at least be too scared to since she has breasts and all. Really, now, Elrond's sons."  
  
"I haven't been out in the sun too long, Misha."  
  
"We are the sons of Elrond. We are royalty and you should treat us as such," Elladan smirked down at the purple haired girl.  
  
Elrohir gave his brother a nervous glance as Misha went red in the face. "'Dan I really don't think you should make the natives angry."  
  
"I can't believe that I'm standing here and listening to such drivel about the Valor. They don't exist."  
  
As if on cue a nice lightening bolt struck the sand next to Misha. Everyone looked to the scorched ground then up at the sky that was completely clear. Misha looked back to the twins. "Okay, so you're Elrond's sons. And that was the Valor telling me to watch my mouth. Are you wondering what I'm wondering, Sam ?"  
  
"Why the voice in my head sounds like a drunken Irishman ?"  
  
Everyone looked down at Sam who wore a genuine look on her face that let them know she was completely serious. Misha just shook her head as the twins continued to stare.  
  
"No, like what are we going to do with them ? We can't exactly leave them here. And I don't want to actually get hit by lightening for leaving them here."  
  
"Well," Sam began slowly ",we could always take them home."  
  
"Are you crazy ? Jessie would be all over them before they could even walk through the door."  
  
"Its either that or leave them here."  
  
"I think," Elrohir interrupted ",that we would like to go with you."  
  
"Speak for yourself, bro. I'm perfectly content to stay here." Another lightening bolt hit the ground next to Elladan. He jumped into Elrohir's arms and quickly changed his tune ",On the other hand we could go with the strange looking girls."  
  
Sam stood up quickly ",I'll let that one slide. Misha though I don't know about her. And she punches way harder than I do."  
  
Misha decided to ignore Elladan's comment and began to walk up the beach towards the parking lot. A glance over her shoulder was all it took to get the other three running to catch up with her. They reached the parking space that held Misha's classic red Mustang and Sam went to get in but was stopped by Misha who raised an eyebrow at her.  
  
"What ?"  
  
"What are the rules of my car ? What is the only rule of my car ?"  
  
Sam thought hard for a moment. A very long moment. "Oh, I know. No dirty wet suits in the car."  
  
"And what are you wearing ?"  
  
"A wet suit. But its not dirty," Sam whined.  
  
"Where has it been ?"  
  
"In the water."  
  
"So its dirty," Misha concluded, not budging from her spot to unlock the doors.  
  
"But those guys are wearing clothes that have been in the water. So if I can't get in then they can't either."  
  
Sam actually pouted at Misha. Misha quickly took the hint. "Lets get them some clothes."  
  
A quick shopping trip to the local surf shop was all it took to get the guys some decent last minute clothes. Misha and Sam, deciding to be very spiteful, made Elladan wear the brightest fuchsia Hawaiian shirt with equally as bright green flowers on it and a pair of neon orange surf shorts. Elrohir, on the other hand, they dressed normally since he hadn't really done anything to them. They were soon at the warehouse apartment that they shared with Jessie, their goth ADD addled roommate that was sure to eat the twins alive if she saw them. She had a thing for elves. The only thing higher on her list of beings to glomp were Hobbits. Luckily for the elves Jessie wasn't home yet. But, as luck would have it, as soon at the four began to get comfortable they could hear a key in the lock. It was Jessie and she wasn't alone.  
  
"I haven't seen Samantha in weeks now. I will not budge until I have seen her and let her have a good talking to for her behavior at the mayor's party."  
  
Misha looked at Sam who had went stiff and pale. "Oh, God, its the Dragon Woman. Quick, we have to hide."  
  
Misha grabbed Elladan and Sam grabbed Elrohir pushing them up the stairs. "Dragon Woman," Elladan questioned ",did Arwen follow us here ?"  
  
"No questions. Hide. She can't see us," Sam whispered, flinging open her bedroom door and pushing everyone inside. Sam looked around the tiny, closet-like room frantically. "She'll know we're in here. She'll break down the door. Quick into the closet. I can lock that."  
  
Everyone ran into the closet as Jessie and the Dragon Woman's voice became louder. They had already entered the apartment. Sam closed the closet door and locked it as quickly as she could considering her hands were shaking. Elladan and Elrohir looked around the vast space they were now locked in.  
  
"This is where you keep your clothes," Elrohir asked.  
  
"Yes," Sam and Misha answered simultaneously.  
  
"Why then," Elladan spoke ",is it bigger than your bedroom ?"  
  
"How much room do you need to sleep," Sam whispered with a shrug. "Now, shoes, shoes need their room. Better make yourselves comfortable. The Dragon Woman will probably be here for awhile."  
  
Everyone sat down on the floor and listened as well as they could to the conversation down stairs. Jessie was doing a nice song and dance to distract the Dragon Wo.., er, Sam's mom. "I know I saw Ishmael's car in the parking lot. Samantha's car is here too. They have to be here."  
  
"They're not. Do you see them anywhere ? They probably walked down the street to get something to eat. If you want I could tell them that you stopped by and make sure that Sam gives you a call."  
  
"Her name is Samantha not Sam. I would appreciate it if you would address her as such."  
  
"Oooohhh, Momzilla is in a foul mood," Misha joked quietly. Sam shot her a dirty look. "What did you do at the Mayor's party ?"  
  
"Nothing." A smirk from Misha was all it took. "Well, nothing that disastrous. Not disastrous to me per say. I just took a little dip in the pool. Just a tiny swim without any clothes on. It was only like five minutes. Right outside the ballroom where everyone was."  
  
Misha had to cover her mouth to keep her laughter from being heard. The twins on the other hand just looked at Sam and smirked. "Only you," Misha giggled ",only you would skinny dip in the pool where everyone could see you and then get caught."  
  
"I was hot. Those stupid formal dresses have absolutely no ventilation."  
  
"I'm going to check Samantha's room. She might be taking a nap."  
  
"Sorry, but that's Sam's, I mean, Samantha's private sanctuary. No one allowed."  
  
"I'm her mother and I will go where I please."  
  
Everyone could hear sharp heels clicking on the metal staircase. Sam's eyes went wide with fear as she hissed out ",Quick, on top of the shelves. She can see us under the door. Lets just hope she has a stuffy nose so she doesn't smell us."  
  
The four jumped up on top of the short cases that held the shoes and held their breath as Sam's mom went into the room and throughly searched it. She even tried the closet doorknob only to find it locked. Then after what seemed like an eternity she left calling down to Jessie ",Please tell Samantha that her father and I wish to talk to her about her behavior. Either she comes to the house or we both come back here. Good-bye."  
  
The hiders let out a huge sigh of relief as they hopped off of their hiding spots. Elrohir rubbed his face with his hand ",I do believe that woman is worse than Arwen."  
  
"You have no idea," Sam muttered.  
  
Jessie called up the stairs ",You cowards can come out now."  
  
So, with apprehensive looks, they exited the closet and then Sam's room onto the second floor landing.  
  
A/N- Okay, a bit of a longer chapter from me. I hoped you liked it. I didn't find it too funny but that's just me and I'm not feeling so hot right now. And just to let all of you readers know, yes, my mother is exactly like that. That was only a fraction of how bad she is. We won't be hearing from Nienna until next weekend hopefully. Hey, Tongue In Cheek Scribe, TIG!!!!! 


	5. Daddy Dearest

**Disclaimer:** I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **TICS: **I do now own a very nice neck brace and a bottle of painkillers that could drop an Oliphaunt. Unfortunately, this means that I may make a few spelling mistakes now and then, so please have patience. **Legolas:** Oh, so now we're supposed to be _patient_ with _you_? After everything you've done to _us_? Not a snowball's chance in the Pits of Mordor. **TICS: **It's a good thing I'm on medication, Lego, or you'd be dancing Swan Lake in nothing but a pink tutu and a smile right about now. **Legolas:** Eep.

**A/N:** Tongue In Cheek Scribe here again...it's my turn to play with the twins, so here goes...BTW, did you notice that my initials spell TICS? ...that figures.

Chapter 4 

**Daddy Dearest**

_Meanwhile, back in Middle Earth..._

**Elrond** the Half-Elven stood in front of the Last Homely House, teeth and hands clenched tightly, his face a mask of fury. He couldn't remember the last time he was this angry...well, maybe when Elendil refused to drop the One Ring into the fires of Mt. Doom...but this ran a close second.

"What do you _mean_ they went into Mordor? What do you _mean_ they are nowhere to be found? I want them found _NOW_!" he thundered at the Elves who knelt before him.

"Lord Elrond...we've searched _everywhere_ they normally hide when they've pulled one of their stunts, but they are not to be found!"

"Then look where they _wouldn't_ normally hide! They are my sons, and I want them brought home NOW! MOVE! GO! RUN!"

The Elves took off running, relieved to have escaped with their fair Elven hides intact. Elrond was normally a calm, collected, and decent fellow...but not at this particular moment, and _never_ when his sons were concerned.

"What am I going to _do_ with those two? I can't let them out of my sight for more than a moment before they hatch some harebrained scheme and take off. Then I get stuck doing damage control! Celebrian _must_ have had an affair before they were born...they couldn't _possibly_ be of my loins..."

"Elrond."

Elrond spun around, looking for whoever had called him, but he was quite alone...no Elf would dare voluntarily approach him in his current state.

"Elrond...up here."

Elrond looked up, and saw a cloud shaped like a man's head in the sky above him.

"I am Manwe, Elrond. For centuries the Valar have watched your two cretin sons wreak havoc on whomever they pleased, and your efforts to control them have been ineffectual, at best. We have decided to take matters into our own hands, and have sent the two of them away from Middle Earth. They will be returned to you only after they have learned a lesson and shown maturity."

"You did WHAT?" Elrond's face turned purple, as he bellowed up to the sky. "Where did you send my boys? They are but Elflings!"

"They are of age, Elrond. They should have learned how to behave a century and a half ago."

"They are BABIES! MY BOYS! Do you realize that I have been worried SICK about them? What right do you have to intervene in my PERSONAL family life?" Elrond bellowed, spitting in his fury.

"We are the VALAR, for Eru's sake...we can do as we please! Now I know why the boys are the way they are...you are quite out of control. I believe you're starting to foam at the mouth..."

"BRING THEM BACK NOW!" Elrond boomed, not in the least bit intimidated by Manwe.

A lightning bolt hit the ground next to Elrond, singeing his robes. Evidently, the Valar are very fond of using lightning to make a point.

Elrond beat out the smoldering hem of his robes, then took a deep breath. "Alright, alright...maybe they _do_ need a lesson. Maybe I _have_ been too soft on them - but they're so _young_! Full of high spirits...I just couldn't bring myself to punish them too severely when they looked at me with those big puppy eyes..."

"Which is why we decided to step in, Elrond. You are a good ruler for your people, but you have no strength of will when it comes to your sons. Or your daughter, for that matter - letting her marry that mortal, Aragorn - but that's another story."

"It's killing me to think that they are all alone in a strange land...no food, no water...please, mighty Manwe, at least send someone to watch out for them...make sure they don't hurt themselves..."

"Hurt someone _else_ is more like it...alright. I will send a few of our stronger heroes after them...just to make sure they don't blow up the world we placed them in. Now, the question becomes, who should I send? I will not send you - you have a poor history of dealing with them as it is."

Manwe didn't notice the look of relief on Elrond's face - he loved his boys, but didn't really want to be sent after them. Who knew what conditions they would have to face? He preferred to rant and rave from the comfort of his own home.

Continuing his train of thought, Manwe said, "Perhaps Haldir...he has shown himself able to keep his head in a crisis...and Legolas...he's a good shot. Of course, I'll need to send the Dwarf, Gimli, with him - those two are attached at the hip lately. I believe I'll also send the Hobbits, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin - they're good at getting in and out of tight places. Plus, they're just so damn cute, no one seems to be able to refuse them anything. So shall it be..."

Thundered rumbled as the Manwe cloud dissipated, leaving Elrond once again alone in front of the Last Homely House. He walked inside, and slowly up the stairs that led to private chambers, his mind in turmoil. He missed his boys, and was worried about them. Now he was also worried about the ones Manwe was going to send after the twins. Not because he didn't think the heroes couldn't survive in a different world, but because he feared they couldn't survive his sons.

Feeling the need for a bath to calm his nerves, he called for one to be drawn for him. Stepping over to the wardrobe, he opened the door to select a dressing robe. His hand froze in midair, as he stared at the clothes hanging in the wardrobe. "Who seeks to _torture_ me? Have I not told _everyone_ - NO WIRE HANGERS?" he shouted. His voice echoed throughout the halls of the Last Homely House.

**Haldir** had just returned from an overnight hunting trip deep within the forest of Lothlorien. He sighed as he sat on the edge of his bed, pulling off his boots. Wiggling his toes, he rubbed the soreness out of his arches. Elves needed little sleep, but Haldir thought he could probably do with several hours worth after spending the night crouched behind a tree waiting for a deer to approach within shooting distance. His jaw cracked with a mighty yawn, and he stretched out on his pallet. Staring at the ceiling, he was just beginning to feel himself drift off, when a voice called his name.

"Haldir...the Valar are sending you on a mission. You will go to another world, and keep an eye on Elrond's twin sons."

"Oh, no...no, not the twins...please, anything but the twins! The last time I saw them they set my hair on fire! Do you know how many bald jokes I had to listen to? It took me _decades_ to grow it back!"

"Nonetheless, you will go. You will not be alone...we will send others with you. Your job is only to watch and make sure they don't destroy anything important to the continuing existence of that world."

Haldir didn't have time to respond before he found himself no longer on his pallet in Lorien, but laying on the white sand of a beach, waves licking at his bare feet.

**Legolas** and Gimli were having a discussion. All right - it was more than a discussion. Legolas had Gimli pinned to the ground and had his slender fingers wrapped around the Dwarf's neck.

"For the last time...you did _NOT_ kill more minions of Sauron than I did! I killed many more than you...that Oliphaunt I brought down held more than you killed all day!" Legolas cried, banging Gimli's head repeatedly against the ground.

"That only counted as ONE!" Gimli croaked, trying to pry Legolas' hands from his throat.

"Legolas! Stop killing Gimli!" came a voice.

Legolas paused in his efforts, and the two looked around for the source of the disembodied voice.

"It is I, Manwe of the Valar," the voice continued. "I am sending the two of you on a quest...so you had better behave yourselves! You are going to a different world to keep an eye on Elrond's twin sons."

"No! Please, not the twins! Anything but that...the last time I saw them they stole my clothes from the pond where I was bathing! I had to run through Rivendell with nothing but a handful of leaves covering my privates! Poison ivy leaves, as it turns out...I was an itching, miserable wreck for a week!"

"Aye...the last time I saw those devils they stuffed me into a box marked "Do Not Open Until Summer Solstice," - and that was in December!" Gimli added, rubbing the finger marks on his throat.

"Please - enough with the excuses! You are going, and that is that! Others will be sent along with you."

Before another word could be uttered, Legolas and Gimli found themselves lying on the white sand of a beach, looking at a bootless Haldir.

**The Hobbits** were drinking a toast...although what they were toasting was anyone's guess. They were completely hammered, having imbibed a great deal of both ale and pipeweed at the Prancing Pony that night.

"Merry...can you pash me tha' mug? I can't seem to reash it," Frodo asked.

'Thas 'cause you're on the floor, Mister Frodo," Sam answered for Merry, since Merry had a mouthful of ale. Unfortunately, Merry was so drunk that he had forgotten how to swallow, and most of the ale was pouring down his chin, much to his annoyance.

"Sam, do you see spiders? I see spiders. I see..." Pippin didn't finish his sentence, as he had fallen off of his chair sideways and was now lying on top of Frodo.

"Hobbits!" called a voice. "Oh, no. Trashed again, Hobbits? I'm sorry I ever allowed your ancestors to discover pipeweed! No use in going into explanations - you won't remember any of it in the morning anyway."

The hobbits barely registered that they were no longer in the Prancing Pony, but on a white sand beach with Haldir, Legolas, and Gimli.

"Does anyone see spiders? I see..." Pippin's voice trailed off as he began to snore.

**A/N:** Okay, Southerngirl...your turn at bat!


	6. Double the Pleasure, Double the Fun

**Disclaimer:** We do not own anything associated with LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** How did I know you were going to drag me into this? You brought in Elrohir, Elladan and Haldir...how many Elves do you _need_ in one story? **TICS:** As many as I can get my hands on, Lego. **Legolas:** You are _NOT_ getting your hands on _me_! **TICS:** Wanna bet? In this story, I plan on leading you around by your _nose_, Elfboy. **Legolas:** That is NOT my nose. **TICS:** Oops. Hee,hee.

**A/N:** Due to circumstances beyond our control, Southerngirl has asked me to write this chapter, even though it is not my turn. She'll be writing the next one, though. Hee, hee...I get to play with the twins again!

Chapter 6 

**Double the Pleasure, Double the Fun**

Jessie looked from one twin to the other. A slow, frankly _evil_ grin spread across her face as she took in the twin's handsome features and pointed ears.

"Where on earth did you _find_ these two? Can I have one?" Jessie asked, walking around the twins to get a rear view. She whistled softly as she stood behind them. "Wow...they're as good looking going as coming!"

"Down, girl...down," Sam said, pulling Jessie back around to the front of the twins. "This is Elladan, and this is Elrohir," she said introducing the duo to her friend. "This is our other roommate, Jessie."

"_I'm_ 'Ro, and _he's_ 'Dan," Elrohir corrected, pointing to himself, then to his brother.

"_Whatever_. How are we supposed to tell you apart, by the way? I mean, aside from your clothes, because you could easily switch those. Isn't there anything different about one of you that we can look for?" Misha asked 'Ro. She ignored Jessie, who was humming the theme song from the "Patty Duke Show."

'Ro bent over and whispered something into Misha's ear that made her face blush almost the same hue of purple as her hair. It earned 'Ro an extremely hard punch in the arm, although Misha had a very slight smile on her face after that.

"Hey!" Jessie cried, "Don't damage the goods, Misha! I may want to play with that later."

"You're not playing with _anybody_, Jessie. They're kind of stuck in our world for the time being, and we need to send them back in one piece, or those Valar guys may fry our asses," Sam said, pulling Jessie further back from the twins. She gave Jessie an abbreviated version of what had happened on the beach.

"Don't fight over us, girls...there's plenty of Elf to go around for everybody," Elladan laughed, elbowing his brother in the ribs.

"Get _over_ yourself, Elfboy!" Sam retorted, although her cheeks were tinged with pink. Turning to Jessie, she said, "Thanks for running interference with the Dragonlady. I really wasn't in the mood for another of her famous 'when-are-you-going-to-grow-up-and-stop- embarrassing-your-father-and-me' lectures. Plus, she would have chewed me up and spit me out if she found me in the bedroom with the Gruesome Twosome, here."

"I _beg_ your pardon? You think we're _gruesome_? I'll have you know that in _our_ world, we are thought of as quite handsome!" Elrohir said haughtily.

"You'd be handsome in _any_ world, sweet cheeks," Jessie purred, running her tongue over her lips. Elrohir cocked an eyebrow at her, and smiled.

"Good God, Jessie, get a grip, will ya?" Misha said disgustedly, giving Jessie a little push. Rolling her eyes at Samantha, she said, "Okay, new house rules! No touching the Elves. No interspecies dating! Got it?" She gave the other four her patented "Do _NOT_ Screw With Me" look.

"Got it," the four said together. Somehow Misha didn't believe _any_ of them.

"Pardon me, Jessie, but you have a little something hanging right here...and here," 'Dan said pointing to the side of his nose and his right eyebrow.

"Those are piercings...don't you like them?" Jessie answered. 'Dan leaned in for a closer look.

"You put _holes_ in your body? _Purposely_?" 'Dan asked incredulously, reaching out with one finger to touch the tiny hoop attached to Jessie's eyebrow.

"Of course...don't they have piercings where you come from?"

"Yes, but one usually winds up spending some time in the House of Healing -or the graveyard - when one gets pierced in our world."

"You would look good with a piercing..." Jessie said, reaching up to touch 'Dan's elegant dark eyebrow.

"What did I just say about _not_ touching the _Elves_?" Misha cut in, catching Jessie by the forearm, and dragging her back a few steps.

"And that works both ways...no touching the _humans_, either!" she continued, wagging her finger at Elladan.

"Who died and made you the Mommy?" Jessie asked, giving her friend a sour look.

"Hey...you weren't the one that nearly got toasted on the beach by the Great Whatever who sent these two here, now were you?" Misha retorted. "I plan on keeping _my_ ass out of the line of fire, if you don't mind. And that means NO TOUCHING THE ELVES!"

"Okay, okay...you don't have to get all Queen Bitchy on me..." Jessie replied, holding her hands out in front of her. "I get it, I get it...lookee, no touchee."

Misha exchanged a look with Sam that meant they were going to have to keep a _very_ close eye on Jessie.

..._meanwhile, back at the beach..._

"Great. What are we supposed to do now? Do you see 'Dan and 'Ro anywhere? I don't. Just where in the hell are we?" Haldir asked, standing and brushing the sand off of his clothes.

"Another world, according to Manwe," Legolas answered, scanning the beach for signs of life. They seemed to be completely alone on the long expanse of white sand.

"Can ye tell if they've been here?" Gimli asked Legolas, roughly pushing a sleeping Pippin off of him. He also stood, surveying the deserted beach. "Can ye pick up their tracks, Laddie?"

Legolas began walking in ever widening circles around the spot they had landed. "Here! Two Elves walked ashore...and met two others. All four walked off this way," he said pointing up toward the sandy dunes.

Haldir looked down at the unconscious Hobbits lying scattered and snoring on the sand. He nudged Frodo with his foot. Frodo grunted, and rolled over. "Will you _look_ at these four? Why did the Valar send _them_? They're useless!"

"Bah! There's one way to sober them up quick enough!" Gimli grumbled, picking up Pippin's two hairy feet in his hands. He dragged Pippin down to the water's edge, and let the cold ocean waves lap at the Hobbit's face.

Pippin's eyes popped open, and he came up spitting salt water. "Spiders!" he cried, sitting up, waving his arms around. He caught Gimli right in the Dwarven jewels.

"Ooof!" Gimli's breath exploded out, as he bent over clutching his offended parts. Pippin's eyes opened wide when he realized what he had done. He scrambled to the relative safety of Haldir's shadow before Gimli could recover and tear him apart.

"It serves you right, Gimli...have you never heard of the old expression, "Let sleeping Hobbits lie?" Legolas laughed, watching his friend dance around on the sand. He bent down over Frodo, placed his hand on the Hobbit's forehead and murmured a few words in Elvish. Frodo's eyelids began to flutter as the healing spell took effect. Legolas quickly walked to the next Hobbit, getting out of the range of fire, and did the same. Before long, all four Hobbits were wide-awake and firing questions at Gimli and the Elves.

"Where are we? What happened? When did you three get here? Where's my mug of ale?"

Haldir silenced the Hobbits with a stern look, then quickly explained what had happened, and what they were supposed to do.

"Oh, no! Not the twins!" Merry cried, eyes widening. "The last time I saw those two they shaved my feet! I had to wear socks for a year!"

"Those are the orders of Manwe...and we _shall_ obey them." Haldir said sternly, "Although I must admit, I'm not happy about it either. Come, let's see if we can follow their tracks." He led the party up toward the dune, following the faint footsteps in the sand. Unfortunately, the footsteps ended at the beginning of the asphalt parking lot.

"What is this hard substance, Legolas?" Frodo asked the tall Elf, who had bent down to examine the surface of the parking lot. "And what are those shiny metal objects scattered about?" He pointed to the cars parked here and there in the lot.

"I know not, Frodo...perhaps there was a great fire that burned the ground hard and black...but I know not what those metal things are. I suspect we shall see many strange sights in this world."

"The question is, Laddies, what do we do now? The trail is cold," Gimli asked, looking up at the tall Elves.

"We wait," Haldir said simply, turning around to go back to the beach. "Sooner or later, they will return here."

"How do you know that Mister Haldir?" asked Sam, looking confused.

"Because they are Elladan and Elrohir...they _always_ return to the scene of the crime."

The group of two Elves, one Dwarf, and four Hobbits made themselves comfortable in the sand, and waited.


	7. We're Men, Men in Tights

A/N- Sorry about not writing the last chapter but I was busy playing Dorothy since there were, like, two tornados here in one day. We're all fine though. Especially my precious computer. **Legolas**: Could you move about two inches to your left please.** SG**: Why ? **Legolas**: No reason. **SG**: Legolas put down that bow now. You are not shooting my computer. **Legolas**: The thing is evil. It makes me do the most horrendous things. It must be destroyed. **SG**: The computer doesn't make you do those things. TICS and I do. **Legolas**: Oh ! Then could you stand still for a moment. **SG**: Do it and you'll end up in bed with Gimli so fast your head will spin.  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a nice collection of action figures, comic books and anime. Sue me and you'll only get the Dragon Woman.  
  
We're Men, Men in Tights  
  
While Misha was busy sitting on Jessie to keep the elves safe from her Sam was showing them around the warehouse. They had found complete fascination with the shower and its water knobs along with the light in the refrigerator. As Sam was showing them modern technology she was ignoring this warm, fuzzy, tugging feeling in the back of her brain. When she could no longer ignore it Sam had to finally go through a mental check list ",Change clothes ?"  
  
Sam had changed out of her wet suit and bikini into a pair of worn shorts, tank top and sneakers.  
  
"Check. Eat ?"  
  
Sam thought for a moment until her last meal came to mind.  
  
"I ate breakfast and lunch. Still have dinner to go. What the hell am I forgetting ?" More hard thought as she showed the elves the bedrooms. "Oh shit. I forgot my surf board."  
  
The last thought she had voice out loud and was greeted with strange looks from the twins. Elladan, of course, opened his big mouth first ",You forgot your what ?"  
  
"My surf board. I have to go back to the beach. That thing cost me like five hundred dollars. Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now."  
  
"Can I go," Elrohir inquired with a hopeful look on his face.  
  
"Fine, but come on. I'll be lucky if it hasn't been stolen yet." Elrohir ran behind Sam down the stairs as she made a break for the door. "Be back forgot board. Have to go. 'Ro's comin' with me."  
  
Misha and Jessie just looked at Sam and Elrohir as they slammed the door behind them.  
  
"What is the purpose of this thing," Pippin asked, poking a finger at the short, strangely shaped object stuck in the sand.  
  
Legolas took a closer look at it ",Perhaps it is a marker of some sort. Like a land mark."  
  
"Maybe a grave stone," Frodo whispered to Sam.  
  
"Its a surfboard," a new voice cut in. The group turned to look at the pair walking up to them. The girl stopped dead in her tracks as she took a good long look at them. "Oh God, there are more of you ?"  
  
"Elrohir, we knew that you would come back," Haldir replied with a smug look to his companions.  
  
Elrohir arched an eyebrow at the group ",What did you guys do to have the Valor send you here?"  
  
"Nothing," Legolas answered before Haldir could ",we were sent to make sure you and your brother do not destroy this world."  
  
"Or us," Gimli muttered but the elves heard him anyway.  
  
"I don't think its the twins you have to worry about. Jessie'll do you in," Sam smirked.  
  
"And you would be," Legolas asked with a smile.  
  
"Samantha but you can call me Sam." Sam spotted the Hobbits still touching her surf board ",Keep your hands off the board unless you want to lose them."  
  
The Hobbits quickly shoved their hands in the pockets and avoided looking at Sam. Legolas bowed down at the waist in front of Sam. She gave him her patented WTF look.  
  
"I am Legolas Prince of Mirkwood. These are my companions. Haldir, March-warden of Lothlorien. Gimli, son of Gloin. Meriadoc Brandybuck, Peregrin Took, Samwise Gamgee and Frodo Baggins all of the Shire."  
  
"You can call us Merry and Pippin," Merry offered with a smile. The smile that was very contagious since Sam was soon smiling along with him. She smiled until she was faced with quite a problem. She turned to the Hobbit Sam.  
  
"Your name is Sam and so is mine. How are we going to work that one out ? I refuse to be called Samantha."  
  
"And I refuse to be called Samwise. If its all the same to you. Perhaps the one who is older could be called Sam."  
  
"I think it should be whoever's taller."  
  
"Older."  
  
"Taller."  
  
"OLDER."  
  
"TALLER !"  
  
Haldir was fed up with the two already. "Enough. You can both be called Sam for all I care. It is a silly name anyway. What mother would name her daughter Sam ?"  
  
"Haldir, you really don't want to go there with her. 'Dan is sporting a nice bruise because of her."  
  
"He insulted me," Sam sniffed, sticking her nose in the air. "I'm going home. You guys are welcome to come along seeing as if I leave you here Manwe will probably do something horrible to me. So come on."  
  
Elladan was officially scared for his life. He had been cornered by all sorts of evil things in his world but nothing as evil as Jessie. She literally did have him in a corner. Jessie had this look in her eye that Elladan had seen in many female eyes before. Just as he was on the verge of hyperventilation and a possible faint the front door opened. In walked Sam and Elrohir along with some familiar faces that Elladan had never been happier to see. The new group drew Jessie's attention away from Elladan as she shrieked at the top of her lungs ",HOBBITS !"  
  
"Oh, just perfect. Thanks Sam," Misha seethed with sarcasm as she stood in the kitchen. "Is there a travel special going on in Middle Earth ?"  
  
Sam just shrugged as she shut the door behind them. "I found them on the beach. Maybe we could sell them on Ebay for some extra cash."  
  
Thunder echoed outside loud enough to rattle all of the windows in the warehouse. Sam frowned at the clear sky ",Do you not have a sense of humor ? Its called comedy people."  
  
A/N-Once again short and sweet. Well, not sweet but definitely short. I'm having inspiration problems lately. Bad weather and bad luck make for decreased creativity. So once again, TICS its your turn. I promise a much longer chapter nine even if I have to strap myself to my computer. 


	8. Push Me Pull You

**Disclaimer:** We do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **TICS:** Legolas, Southerngirl tells me that you have been misbehaving. **Legolas:** Lies...all lies! **TICS:** She said that you threatened to put an arrow through her computer. **Legolas:** Um...I thought the computer was, um...trying to harm her. Yeah, that's it. **TICS:** Then you threatened to put an arrow through _her_. **Legolas:** Oh, Great Eru... **Me:** You've been a naughty boy, Lego. You _know_ what happens to naughty boys, don't you? **Legolas:** Please, please, please...not the breeches - _ANYTHING_ but the breeches!

**A/N:** Tongue In Cheek Scribe here...it's my turn again! Yippee!

**Chapter 8** **Push Me - Pull You**

Misha stood in the middle of the loft, watching the chaos erupt around her.

Jessie was tackling three of the Hobbits; 'Ro and 'Dan were making bets on which Hobbit Jessie was most likely to smother first, and egging on their favorites.

Sam-the-Tall was arguing with Sam-the-Old over who would be called "Sam" and Legolas was trying to keep them both from killing the other. At the moment, Sam-the-Old had jumped on Legolas' back and was trying to take a swing at Sam-the-Tall, and Sam-the-Tall was throwing punches in the general direction of Legolas' head, trying to reach Sam-the-Old.

Gimli had found a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon and a jar of Skippy peanut butter. He was seated on the floor, intently watching the fight, yelling encouragement to one or the other of the Sams, guzzling wine and eating peanut butter out of the jar with his fingers.

Haldir was simply standing with his arms folded across his chest, a smug look of superiority on his face, watching the pandemonium.

"Aren't you going to _do_ something?" Misha asked Haldir.

"No. Let them kill each other - there will be less to worry about later."

"_Right_. Like I'm looking _forward_ to a lightning bolt up my ass from your friends, the Valar..." Misha said sarcastically, giving Haldir a push.

"Did you just push me?" Haldir said incredulously, a look of surprise on his face.

"Get out of my way!" Misha stormed, wading into the fray. She picked up Jessie by the scruff of her neck, pulling her away from the three Hobbits who were curled up in little quivering balls on the rug.

"I am amending the house rules to "No Touching the Elves _OR_ the Hobbits!" Misha said firmly, setting Jessie down.

"You never let me have any fun," Jessie whined, sticking out her tongue at Misha.

"I cannot believe she had the audacity to _push_ me," Haldir said to no one in particular.

Ignoring both Jessie and Haldir, she went next to 'Ro and 'Dan. "You two! In the corner, _now_!" She grabbed their pointed ears and marched them forward, standing them in opposite corners, facing the blank wall. "DO NOT MOVE!" For once in their lives, the twins actually obeyed.

"No one has _EVER_ pushed me and lived to tell the tale," Haldir growled, suddenly realizing that not only did someone push him, but that that someone was a female...a _human_ female.

Picking Gimli up from under the arms, Misha neatly deposited him, wine, peanut butter and all, in the kitchen sink.

"You PUSHED me!" Haldir bellowed, eyes shooting sparks at Misha.

"YOU!" She bellowed at Sam-the-Tall, still ignoring Haldir. "Have you lost what few marbles you have left rattling around in that empty head of yours? Do you WANT those Valar guys to turn you into Sizzlean? It's just a freakin' name...DEAL WITH IT!" she yelled, directing the last statement at both Sams.

"YOU PUSHED ME!" Haldir finally exploded, walking over to stare down at Misha with wild eyes. "No one EVER pushes me, woman!"

"Look, Elfboy...I have a headache the size of Gondor, and if you don't back off, I may very well have to put a serious hurt on you!"

"Put a hurt on me? ON ME? Woman, I can rip you in half without breaking a sweat! Apologize at once!"

"I have a NAME, you pointy-eared moron, and the day you're able to rip _me_ apart is the day Mordor freezes over! I will NOT apologize to some overbearing, smug-assed, Keebler-elf wanna-be!"

"Please, perhaps we all need a moment to calm down..." Legolas said, trying to diffuse the situation.

"SHUT UP, LEGOLAS!" Misha and Haldir both screamed. They continued to glare at each other, fists clenched tightly, breathing heavily.

A sudden crash from the direction of the kitchen distracted them all.

Gimli had fallen off the counter, and had taken most of the dishes and glasses with him. He was sitting on the floor in a heap of broken shards, holding the wine jug and peanut butter jar over his head.

"Saved the wine...and this sticky sweet stuff," he said proudly, already slightly tipsy. "Methinks we should all have a drink...we're not here five minutes, and yer at each other's throats!"

"Gimli's right...we need to find someway to get along, if we're all going to be stuck here together for who knows how long..." Sam-the-Tall said.

"Alright, alright..." Misha said. Looking sideways at Haldir, she muttered under her breath, "I'm sorry I pushed you."

"What? I didn't quite hear that..." Haldir said smugly, cupping his hand to his pointed ear.

"I thought Elves had super-acute hearing...oh, fine!" Misha said sarcastically. She stood on her tiptoes to reach Haldir's ear. "I said I was SORRY!" she screamed.

Haldir jumped back, holding his ear. "First she pushes me, and now she seeks to deafen me!" He still had a slight smile on his face because he had made her apologize.

"Look, we're going to need to go to work, Sam," Misha said, giving up on besting Haldir.

"Work?" Sam-the-Old said, looking confused.

"Not you, Sam...the other Sam," Misha explained, pointing to Sam-the-Tall.

"See? I told you we were gonna have a problem with the name thing!" Sam-the-Tall said petulantly. "We need to call him something else.

"My name is Sam, and that is all I will answer to," Hobbit-Sam put in stubbornly.

"Please don't start again...my head couldn't take it," Misha implored the two Sams. "What are we going to do with these guys while we're working the store?"

"Where do you work, Misha?" asked Legolas, having gotten over being told to shut up.

"We run a tourist attraction down off of I-95. It's just a crappy little combination souvenir store and petting zoo, but it's all ours."

"I suppose we can take them with us...they can help us do inventory in the back room. As long as they stay away from the tourists, it should be okay," Female-Sam said, "it's beats leaving them here for the Dragonlady to find."

"I guess...okay, head count! Legolas, Gimli, Sam 1, Frodo, Pippin, Merry, Jessie, Haldir-the-horrible, Sam2...hey, aren't we missing a couple?" Misha said, scanning the room.

"Where are Elladan and Elrohir?" Haldir asked.

A quick search of the apartment turned up nothing. The twins had vanished.


	9. Sally Sells Seashells By the Seashore

A/N- Its my turn again. Lets have some fun shall we ? **Legolas**: You are a tattle-tell. **SG**: A tattle-tell ?** Legolas**: You told TICS I tried to kill you and your computer.** SG**: Those words never left my mouth. **Legolas**: Then how did she find out ? **SG**: She read it all. Just like she's doing now. **Legolas**: Well, tell her its not true. **SG**: Nope. I like it when she messes with you. Its fun. **Legolas**: You are one sick girl. **SG**: I know.  
  
Disclaimer- Nope, still don't own it.  
  
Sally Sells Seashells By The Seashore  
  
Sam (the girl) and Misha were standing outside the apartment with the hobbits, elves and dwarf formulating a plan to search for the missing twins. Jessie was not able to join them due to circumstances beyond her control. Namely she had been tied to the radiator to keep from jumping on the hobbits (even though Frodo seemed to enjoy it quite a bit).  
  
"Okay," Misha began ",Sam you go that way and I'll go this way. You can take the hobbits."  
  
"I refuse to go anywhere with that stubborn, pint-sized jerk. You can take him and I'll take someone else."  
  
Misha thought about it for all of two seconds. She really didn't want Haldir to go with her. It seemed like a fair enough trade. "Fine, you take Haldir. We'll meet back at the shop in an hour."  
  
Sam took the three hobbits and the elf down the street while Misha took her group going the opposite direction. Neither one of them really had planned on putting any effort into the search. They just wanted the Valor to think they were looking really hard and that the twins were just too hard to find. The girls didn't want to become a human flambé just because the troublesome duo had decided to wander off on their own without telling anyone.  
  
Misha made a half-hearted attempt to look for about a block or two before leading the others back to her car and heading off to the shop. None of her companions complained about it one bit considering all of the things the twins had done to them in the past (most of which can't even be written here because the rating would go up too high). Sam on the other hand had quit looking after about half a block because she decided that she really wanted another tattoo and should stop into the tattoo parlor to make an appointment. If she had been thinking clearly she would have kept going. As soon as she and her group entered the tiny building they saw Elrohir.  
  
"What are you doing here," Sam asked as she tripped over her own two feet in an attempt to stop.  
  
"'Dan drug me in here. Said something about being curious."  
  
"Famous last words," Haldir smirked while he looked down his nose at his surroundings.  
  
"Ahhhh, let me go you evil woman. You are not going to do that to me," Elladan's screams made their way up to the front. A few seconds later he ran out to join the others. "Lets go now. She wishes to torture me."  
  
Sam could only raise her eyebrows at the frightened elf. "What are you talking about ? What did you do now ?"  
  
"I did nothing," Elladan snapped. "We just walked in here to see what this place was. The girl said that I would look good with a piercing just like Jessie had said earlier. So I went along with it. She said I should get a Prince Albert. I agreed. Do you know what that is ? DO YOU ?!? I ran as soon as she told me what she would be putting that huge needle through."  
  
Sam fell to the floor unable to hold herself up because she was laughing so hard. Everyone she was with just looked at her though because they had no idea what was so funny. When Sam had managed to control herself she gasped out ",Lets go to the shop before you decide to try anything else."  
  
So Sam led everyone to her car and drove to the shop where Misha and the others were already waiting. Well, the others weren't waiting. Misha had already put them to work feeding and cleaning up after the animals that lived in the petting zoo. Haldir and the twins looked around the shop to see row upon row of slogan t-shirts, seashell necklaces, tiny bottles of sand with even smaller pieces of paper in them, sunglasses, and the many other things that tourists buy on vacation. When they were done with their observations, which took like a minute since the place was pretty small, they turned back to the girls. Misha was counting money and Sam was busy aggravating something in a glass tank that had a sign taped to it. The sign read: Please don't tease the snake.  
  
"One of these days I'm going to let that rattlesnake bite you," Misha sighed as she snapped the cash register drawer shut. She shoved a clipboard into Sam's hands ",Go get started on inventory and take them with you."  
  
Sam did as she was told, sticking her tongue out before disappearing into the back room. The others followed her. Misha was expecting a nice bout of peace and quiet but that image was soon shattered as the stereo was turned on full blast from the back room. "Shake your boo-tay," Sam could be heard yelling from the back.  
  
The bell on the front door chimed and Misha looked up to see the first customer of the day. She was going to have to cut Sam's fun time today. Misha stuck her head through the back door and said over the music ",Turn it off. Someone's in the store."  
  
No one noticed the mischievous looks on the twins faces. Haldir was busy trying not to touch anything. Frodo, Merry, Pippin and Sam (the girl) were dancing. Legolas was watching them holding back his laughter. Gimli was trying to figure out if the boxes of fools gold were real or not. If anyone had been paying any attention to the twins they would have realized that the looks on their faces meant that they were plotting something which could only mean trouble for everyone else. Valor help them.  
  
A/N- Somewhat longer chapter by my this time. I hope you like. TICS its your turn. Have fun torturing, erm..., I mean, nope that was it, torturing the elves. 


	10. Heavy Petting

**Disclaimer:** We do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Elladan:** Do you know where Southerngirl tried to have me get pierced? What kind of sick, twisted woman _is_ she? I'm gonna NEED that particular part of my anatomy! **Me:** You can still use it. You're just being a baby. **Elladan:** I'm gonna use it? Really? **Me:** I knew _that_ would get your attention. **Elladan:** When? With who? **Me:** Get it pierced, and I'll tell you. **Elladan:** NO! _You_ get pierced! **Me:** What makes you think I'm not already? **Elladan:** Ewwww, that's gross! Aren't you, like, older than god? **Me:** Alright, that's enough! You want to know _who_ you're going to use it with? **Elladan:** Yes! **Me:** Gimli. **Elladan:** ARGHHHH!

Chapter 10 

**Heavy Petting**

**Elrohir** grabbed Elladan and pulled him in behind the shelving units of the back storeroom.

"Merry. We should use Merry," Elladan said, peeking through the shelves at the dancing Hobbits.

"No, no, not Merry - he's gotten much too independent since the War..._Pippin_! He's much more manageable. I wish we could use Frodo - he's the most well known, and nobody can resist those big blue eyes...but Pippin will do nicely!" Elrohir argued.

"Okay, Pippin it is!" 'Dan said, shaking 'Ro's hand to seal the deal. "Now, how do we get him alone?"

Their problem was solved when Misha called to Sam (the tall) and told her to shut off the music because there were customers in the store. Both girls went out into the store to help serve the customers, leaving the Elves, Dwarf and Hobbits alone.

"Psst. Pippin, come here...we have something to show you..." Elrohir whispered from behind the shelving units.

"Is it drinkable? I'm very much ready for a pint..." Pippin said, following the voice to the back of the storeroom.

'Ro and 'Dan grabbed Pippin, covering his mouth with their hands. "Shhh...we can't let everyone know! It's just outside, Pippin." The twins carried the Hobbit quietly out the back door of the storeroom.

**Legolas** walked around the storeroom, looking in the various boxes and bags stacked on the shelves, when something in particular caught his attention. He picked up a package containing a child's bow and arrow set. Smiling, he tore into the package, examining the items. The bow was of a smooth substance that bent easily in Legolas' hands. The arrows had small round ends instead of hard sharp points, but Legolas was intrigued anyway. He quickly fit the tiny arrow in the equally tiny bow. BOING! The arrow shot clear across the room, hitting Haldir in the forehead. The suction cup at the end of the arrow stuck firmly just under Haldir's hairline.

"Ooops."

Gimli, Frodo, and Sam (the hobbit) burst into laughter, seeing Haldir with the arrow gently bobbing on his forehead. Haldir, however, was NOT amused.

"GREENLEAF!" he bellowed, pulling the arrow from his forehead and snapping it in two with his strong hands, "What are you doing? Have you lost your senses? I've a good mind to skin you alive!"

Legolas' only answer was a belly laugh. Haldir looked around quickly, and grabbed the first thing that looked like a weapon to him. The aluminum can was just the right size for beating a certain blonde Elf to death with.

Unfortunately, Haldir's finger accidentally depressed the nozzle, and a spray of Silly String shot out, coating Gimli's head with bright pink threads.

"Ack! What be ye doing, ye great lout!" Gimli cried, swiping the Silly String from his face with his hands. He launched himself at Haldir's midsection, pushing the big Elf backward into a shelf. A box tipped over from the impact, and a flood of tennis balls showered down on the two of them. The balls bounced every which way, some striking Frodo and Sam (the Hobbit) who began yelping and batting the balls away. Legolas came forward, and shot another arrow, this one sticking to the back of Frodo's head.

Soon the five of them were involved in a free-for-all, pitching tennis balls, shooting silly string, and firing plastic arrows at each other in a frenzy. The noise was bound to be heard from the store, and sure enough, Misha came charging into the back room, fit to be tied.

An arrow, covered in silly string, struck her right in the nose, and stuck there, quivering.

The room suddenly got deathly quiet.

"What the _HELL_ is going on in here? Are you all _insane_? I told you we had _customers_...it sounds like World War III back here!" she exploded. The arrow, dripping silly string, bobbed up and down with every word, causing the Elves, Dwarf, and Hobbits to burst into laughter.

Legolas was the first to recover. "We are very sorry, Misha...we will clean up this mess, and be quiet from now on," he said, trying very hard not to start laughing again.

Haldir still snorting reached out and yanked the arrow from Misha's nose.

"Ow!" she cried involuntarily, her hand flying up to the offended appendage. "Yank some skin off with it, why don't you?"

"Legolas...see if you can get one in that mouth of hers...it's a big enough target," Haldir called, jerking his thumb at Misha.

"I've had aboud enough of you, Elf..." Misha said, her hand clamped tightly over her nose. She was cut off as Sam (the human) opened the door, whacking Haldir in the elbow in the process.

"Ha! Whad goes around, cubs around, Haldir!" Misha laughed, still holding her nose.

"_You_ are insufferable," Haldir declared. "How do you put up with her?" He asked Tall Sam, cradling his elbow to his chest.

"She pays the rent."

"Sam! Whose side are you on, anyway?" Misha asked, finally letting go of her nose. "Look at the mess they made...how can you be smiling?"

"Customer bought that painting of the mermaid on black velvet," Sam (the human) said, smiling. "One hundred smackers for that piece of crap!"

"Yes! I didn't think we'd EVER unload that thing!"

Looking around the room, Sam (the human) said, "What happened in here? It looks like the storeroom exploded!"

"We left them alone for five minutes - _that's_ what happened," Misha explained, gesturing toward the Elves, Dwarf, and Hobbits.

"Hey...we're missing a couple again! Where are 'Ro, 'Dan and Pippin?" Tall Sam asked, looking around the storeroom.

"Damn it! I'm going to glue their butts to a chair when I find them!" Misha exclaimed, running toward the back door.

They all went out back, looking around for the missing trio. Hearing laughter coming from the direction of the petting zoo, where Sam (the human) and Misha kept a few sheep, a deer, and, in a pond surrounded by razor wire, a 7 foot alligator named Herman, they sprinted in that direction.

Coming to a screeching halt in front of the petting zoo, they were met with a sight none of them had ever imagined. A small gaggle of teenaged girls were clustered around something just inside the petting area, cooing and giggling like crazy. Every so often, a small hand could be seen waving about over their bowed heads.

Elrohir and Elladan sat in lawn chairs off to one side, a small table between them. On the table was an open cigar box, stuffed with money.

A large sign was taped to the table, and read, "Pet a Hobbit...$5.00.

**A/N:** We'd like to take a moment to thank all everyone who has reviewed our story! THANK YOU!!!! Okay, Southerngirl...you may commence torturing the Elves now.


	11. The Dragon Lady Strikes Back

A/N- Its my turn to torture the elves. Yay ! **Elladan**: We will succeed where Legolas and Haldir failed. **Elrohir**: Just be sure to lock the door as soon as she leaves. **Elladan**: Do I look like an idiot ? **Elrohir**: I'm not going to answer that. **SG**: What are you two plotting now ? **Elladan** and **Elrohir**: Nothing.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own it. TICS doesn't own it. So together we don't own it. Put the lawsuits away.  
  
The Dragon Lady Strikes Back  
  
Sam (the tall) was staring at the money the twins had collected in the cigar box. Misha on the other hand was ready to blow a gasket. "What the hell do you two think you're doing," she screamed.  
  
"Making some money," Elladan answered.  
  
"Money good," Elrohir drooled.  
  
"Is this how you behave back home. If it is I can see why the Valor sent you here," Misha went on but everyone had tuned her out.  
  
Sam leaned in between the twins and whispered ",How much you got in there ?"  
  
"There's twenty-five girls at five dollars a pop," Elrohir began calculating. "So, one hundred and twenty-five dollars. Not bad for only being out here for twenty minutes."  
  
"Twenty minutes. That's it ? I'm starting to get an idea now," Sam stated, running back inside the shop while Misha continued to rant and rave. Pippin was still being mauled by fan girls. Sam emerged several minutes later with a sign of her own and dragging Legolas behind her by the ear just as some more teenage girls pulled into the parking lot. Sam strapped Legolas to his own seat next to Pippin then hung her own sign that read: Pet an elf $400.  
  
Misha stopped mid-sentence in her lecture to give Sam her patented are you nuts look. "Four hundred to touch an elf ? You'll never get that."  
  
"But this isn't any elf. This is Legolas. He has millions of fan girls some of which I'm sure are quite rich."  
  
"I still say that you won't get four hundred."  
  
"Can I go back inside now," Legolas pleaded.  
  
Sam arched her eyebrows at him ",No. Don't you worry that pretty blond head of yours, Lego. It'll all be over before you know it."  
  
The gang of girls who had pulled into the parking lot were now standing in front of Sam. All four of them holding large wads of money. All in all Sam made twelve hundred dollars in five seconds. Sam and the twins had now found their new business.  
  
Meanwhile back at the apartment Jessie had managed to get herself untied and continued on with her daily routine of surfing the 'net and watching TV while consuming inhuman quantities of sugar. So busy was she in her tasks that she didn't hear the fifty billion messages that were left on the answering machine.  
  
When the weary group entered the apartment they were ready for a good nights sleep. Sometime during the day Sam had handed over control of Legolas to the twins in exchange for a nice percentage of the profits for herself and Misha. Sam (the tall) had also made the elves agree to pay Misha rent for use of the space in the petting zoo. The money reason alone was why Misha was not still yelling her head off at everyone. As soon as Jessie saw the hobbits she let out a screech.  
  
"Don't touch me woman. I've had enough groping for one day," Pippin exclaimed while holding up his hand to ward off Jessie.  
  
Jessie looked hurt but not defeated. She instead chose to stare at Frodo who couldn't help the big blue eyed stare he was giving her since that was the only look he knew. The twins had set about finding a way to get Haldir to sit still so they could make a profit off of him. Misha was making dinner. Sam was crashed out on the couch in front of the TV. A knock at the door drew everyone's attention though. Sam looked around the room and promptly announced ",I'm not answering it. I've had a rough day."  
  
"Rough day ? You sat there and watched me get everything pushed, pulled, tugged, prodded, licked, and Eru knows what else," Legolas snapped. "I'm not getting the door either."  
  
Everyone looked at the twins. With a collective sigh they went and answered the door. Standing on the doorstep looking cool and confident with a little bit of smugness thrown in for good measure was a guy in a suit. He eyed the twins for a good minute before deciding to speak.  
  
"Is Samantha here. I have a date with her."  
  
"Samantha," the twins sang ",your date is here."  
  
"Date ? I don't have a date."  
  
Sam walked over to the door and stared blankly at the guy holding the flowers out to her. He smiled and cleared his throat.  
  
"You haven't checked your messages have you ? I'm Andy. Mayor McDonald's son. Your mother said that you would go with me to the fundraiser tonight. She said that she would call you to let you know what time I'd be here."  
  
Sam was still stuck on the first part of his statement. "The M-M-Ma-May.."  
  
"Ma-yor's sooonnnnn," Andy laughed.  
  
"The same Mayor's son that was at the Mayor's party with the pool and everything ?"  
  
"I believe so. Unless there's another Mayor in town I don't know about. You should really get dressed you know. We don't want to be late."  
  
"Yeah, Samantha," the twins chimed in ",you don't want to be late."  
  
A/N-Ooohhhhhh, cliffhanger of sorts. I wonder what will happen with Sam. Tongue in Cheek Scribe, its your turn. 


	12. Mustang Danny

****

Disclaimer: We don't own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Just to warn you two - you're playing with fire. **Elladan:** Geez, Legolas, you sound like you're _afraid_ of them. **Legolas:** I'm not afraid of anything - _except_ them. **Elrohir:** The door is locked. Neither one of them can get in here. **Haldir:** Don't do it, 'Ro - they'll make you very sorry. **Elrohir:** TICS and SG are nothing but a pair of helpless, clueless, _mortal_ women, who wouldn't know a real Elf if he came up and bit them on the ass! **TICS:** _REALLY?_ **Elladan:** Oh, Great Eru, how did you get _in_ here? **TICS:** I'm nothing but a helpless, clueless, mortal woman - I picked the locked, you idiot! Legolas, Haldir - tell the twins what they've won! **Legolas and Haldir:** An all expense paid trip to Bareass City. **TICS:** That's right! Drop 'em, boys.

****

Chapter 12

Mustang Danny

Sam stared openmouthed at the suave looking hunk-in-a-suit filling her doorway. Elladan reached around, put one finger under her chin, and closed her mouth.

"I believe Sam needs to change into something more suitable. She'll only be a moment," he said, slamming the door in Mr. Suit's face, catching the bouquet of flowers in the doorjam.

"Hey! I need to go to dinner with that tonight!" Sam said, reaching for the doorknob.

"No, you don't. You _need_ to be more discriminating about the men you date. This one left a slime trail all the way down the hallway."

"I'm going to get dressed. He had better still be behind Door Number One when I get back!" Sam hissed, stomping off toward the bedroom.

"You really shouldn't do that, 'Dan. She has this thing about dating the wrong guys for the wrong reasons. I think she actually _likes_ it. If you get in her way, she'll put a hurt on you," Misha warned, shaking her head.

"Remember what she did to you at the beach, 'Dan," Elrohir interjected, feigning getting punched in the jaw, spinning around and falling to the floor.

"That was a sucker punch. I just wasn't expecting it" 'Dan retorted, putting his nose in the air. "Besides, the only reason this fathead is here is because he saw Sam in anindelicate postion."

"Tall Sam? _Our_ Tall Samwhat did she do?" asked Old Sam, cocking his head at 'Dan.

"She went swimming in the Mayor's swimming pool in front of about a billion people the other night, Fathead included."

"So? There are even some Hobbits who like to swimalthough they are also considered a bit strange"

"Sam was naked at the time."

"Oh" Old Sam blushed to the roots of his blonde curly hair. Even his _feet_ blushed.

"Who the woman dates is none of our affair, Elladan. Keep _out_ of it!" Haldir said, from his place on the couch. Legolas just nodded in agreement; too tired from the mauling he received from the fangirls to actually expend energy by saying anything.

"Fine," Elladan growled, opening the door again. Andy McDonald, the mayor's son was still standing behind the door, with a slightly befuddled look on his arrogant puss.

'Dan put on a huge, fake grin. "Please come inSam will be ready in just a minute." He held the door open wide enough for both the suit and the fathead inside it to enter.

Andy stood between Elladan and Elrohir. The twins stared at him with their identical piercing gray eyes, arms crossed over their chests.

"So, Mr. McDonaldI'm sorry, what was your first name again?" Elladan asked, in an overly polite voice, "Was it Old, or Ronald?"

"Andy," the mayor's son answered with a frown.

"So sorry, _Andy_. Where will you be taking _our_ Sam this evening?"

"Dinner at the fundraiser, and dancing at Club Samba. Afterwardwho knows? Maybe breakfast at my place," he said with a sneer, baiting Elladan.

"Sounds _delightful_," Elladan had spent too many centuries baiting everyone in Middle Earth to fall for it. He was an expert at it. "I'm sure you'll both have a _wonderful_ time."

Sam stepped out of the bedroom, decked out in a black sequined, skintight mini dress, and high-heeled black pumps. She had swept her hair up in a classy chignon, and had even applied a bit of make-up.

"Whoa" Sam (the old) said, looking up at Sam (the tall), "Who _are_ you and what did you do to our Sam?"

Sam (the tall) walked right by him, and everyone else who was staring at her with dropped jaws, and, without saying a word, grabbed Andy's arm, shoved the bouquet of dented flowers into Misha's hands, and swept out of the room without a backward glance.

"Yup. She's pissed. You had better be nowhere in sight when she gets back," Misha warned 'Dan, staring at the closed door. She walked into the kitchen to prepare dinner. In other words, she was going to pick up the phone and order pizza.

The two other Elves, the Dwarf, and the Hobbits were currently engrossed in watching an odd box in the living room that showed moving pictures. Currently, they were watching a man in a huge black helmet with a breathing condition tell a shorter, younger man that he was, in fact, his father.

Jessie was sitting wedged between Frodo and Merry, and an army of Uruk hai couldn't have budged her from her Hobbit sandwich.

'Dan looked at 'Ro, arching an eyebrow and doing that eerie 'twin' mind reading thing. 'Ro nodded, and went in search of Misha's purse. Finding it thrown on a chair near the door, he quickly searched through it, pulling out Misha's car keys. Quietly, the twins slipped out the door.

"Do you really think you can do this, 'Dan?" Ro asked as they reached Misha's classic red Mustang.

"Of course, "Roif a _mortal_ can do it, so can I," he replied haughtily. "You just push down on the one thingy to go, and push down on the other thingy to stop. The round thingy tells the beast where to go."

"How are we going to find them?"

"Orcbreath mentioned Club Samba. I remember passing that on the way to the store this morning. It isn't far from here." 'Dan opened the door and got in behind the wheel.

"Okay. She stuck this shiny thing in here," he said, sticking the key in the ignition. Nothing happened.

"I believe she may have twisted it a bit, 'Dan," Elrohir said helpfully.

Elladan twisted the key, and the engine roared to life. "See? Simple. Then she pulled on this lever," he continued, pulling on the shifter.

"What do those letters mean, 'Dan?" Elrohir asked, pointing at the P, R, N, D, 1 and 2 on the console.

"Do I look like I can read all the languages of the universe, 'Ro?" Elladan replied, looking irritably at his twin. His foot hit the gas and the car shot backwards, knocking over a pair of garbage cans, scattering debris all over the road.

"Ooops." He pulled the lever down another notch. The car didn't move. He pulled the lever down still another notch, and the car shot forward.

"ARGHHHH!" The twins screamed together, as Elladan tried steering the car down the road. He hit the brake - hard. The airbags deployed, knocking the two of them senseless for a moment.

"Oh, manwhat _is it_ about this world and getting hit in the face?" Elladan moaned, rubbing his nose.

After a few more false starts, 'Dan was actually able to get the hang of keeping the car on the blacktop, without hitting anything. Fortunately for the twins it wasn't far to Club Samba, and there was no other traffic on the street - since the twins had no idea what a "Stop" sign or a traffic light was.

They pulled up in front of the Club, and 'Dan put the shifter back to its original position. Removing the keys, they left the car and entered the double doors of the Club to wait for Sam.

****

Sam knew from the moment she stepped out of the apartment that this date was a BIG mistake. She had walked right into the Dragonlady's trap. However, she also knew that there was _no_ way she could let a couple Elven highbrows run her love life. Looking up at Andy, driving his Porsche with a smirk, she wondered whether she had picked the worst of the two evils.

The fundraiser was just as boring as she had known it would be. Dragonlady and her mate, the Wimpmeister, were there, and Sam spent the better part of the early evening avoiding both of them at all costs.

She was greatly relieved when Andy suggested that they leave for Club Samba. She didn't particularly want to go dancing with him, but she was tired of ducking behind the ice sculpture every time her parents wandered too close. She felt like a jack-in-the-box.

Pulling up to Club Samba, Sam noticed the red mustang parked in front. "Funny, that looks like Misha's carnaw, it couldn't be" It was too dark to read the plate, and by then Andy was opening her door.

They walked into the Club, immediately assaulted by the swirling lights and throbbing music. Sam noticed a huddle of women on the dance floor, and wondered what kind of funky new dance they were doing. When Andy left her for a moment to get them a couple of drinks, she decided to investigate.

Trying to peer over the heads of the women who were jostling each other trying to get to something in the middle of the cluster, Sam could pick out two dark heads bobbing up and down. Pushing her way through the crowd of females, she gasped, her eyes widening.

Elrohir and Elladan were the two dark heads she had glimpsed. Her first thought was "why on earth did Misha bring them here?" Her second thought was "I wonder what the Valar will do to me after I kill them both?"

****

A/N: Tag, SGyour turn to play!


	13. A Series of Unfortunate Coincidences

A/N- I'm back. Yay ! **Elladan**: Was it really necessary for TICS to hang our pants from a flagpole ? **Elrohir**: Yeah. I'm getting cold. **SG**: You don't need to tell me I can see for myself.  
  
A/N 2- Just to warn you people reading this. This chapter was written under the influence of: massive amounts of Jolt Cola, bronchial dialators, no sleep, and with a mind that seems to be in the gutter quite a bit as of late. So enjoy. Oh, and thanks to all reviewers.  
  
Disclaimer- You people should know that we don't own it by now.  
  
A Series Of Unfortunate Coincidences  
  
"I'm not going to kill them. I'm not going to kill them...yet," Sam thought to herself as she grabbed the elf she thought was Elladan by the ear. "What are you two doing here ? Where is Misha, Dan ?"  
  
"I'm 'Ro. So, this is a dance club ? Its a bit loud."  
  
Elrohir continued to dance as the women pressed in closer around them. One of the women had the nerve to grab Sam's shoulder and yell at her ",Wait your turn honey."  
  
"Don't touch me," Sam said loud enough for the woman to hear and followed it up with a look that could have made that unfortunate woman burst into flame. The lady quickly withdrew her hand and left. "Now answer me, 'Ro. Where's Misha ? Why did she bring you two here ?"  
  
"That's the thing. See, Misha's not here," Dan said, dancing over to the pair. "There was an emergency at home so Misha gave us her car to come and get you."  
  
"Well, I guess I'll just have to call her and see what's wrong, won't I ?"  
  
"No," Dan and 'Ro yelled.  
  
Dan looked around the club and saw the slime ball that called itself Sam's date walking toward them with drinks in hand. "Just come home. You'll see when you get there."  
  
"Nice try guys. Get Misha's car back home before she finds out or the two of you won't live to see morning."  
  
With that Sam spun on her heel and headed Andy off before he could see the twins. She took her drink from him and made a foul face when she realized that it was more whiskey than coke. He was trying to get her drunk. Sam had other plans. Dan and 'Ro were watching her from the dance floor. They needed a new plan.  
  
Misha looked up from her slice of pizza, her sixth sense kicking in, and realized that the troublesome twosome were nowhere to be seen. What was up with them just coming and going as they pleased ? "Where are the twins ?"  
  
Everyone in the room gave their 'I don't knows' with mouthfuls of food. Now Misha was officially worried. Hopefully they wouldn't do anything to piss the Valor off further. The last thing Misha needed was some sort of god-inflicted stain on the new carpet.  
  
Sam was starting to get a headache from pretending she was having a good time with the sleezebag. She was faking a laugh at some lame joke he told when she felt something on her backside. Sam looked behind her to see a hand on her ass. The hand belonged to Andy. Sam forced a fake smile at him. He smiled back.  
  
"Move your hand."  
  
"And if I don't," he leered.  
  
"I'll ask nicely one more time. Please move your hand."  
  
"No."  
  
Sam grabbed the offending hand and bent it back painfully while Andy winced in pain. She then gave him a quick jab to the nose. Sam gathered up her purse and left the club with the twins not far behind leaving Andy a bloody mess.  
  
"See, I told you, bro," Elrohir replied happily ",we didn't need another plan."  
  
"You didn't need a plan at all you dumb gits," Sam snapped, standing next to Misha's car. "I can handle myself. Maybe you're not use to that where you come from but that's how it is here. Now I would greatly appreciate it if you would not meddle with my life anymore."  
  
Sam let the twins get in the car and she sped off in the direction of home wearing an angry look on her face. The twins knew that look all to well and decided, for once, to just shut up. When they got home Misha was the only one still up except for Jessie who had gotten a late night singing telegram job. Jessie tossed Misha her keys.  
  
"You need to keep those on you from now on. I'm going to bed."  
  
Jessie disappeared in her room and Misha looked at the twins shaking her head before she went to bed herself.  
  
The Next Morning...  
  
Not being ones to have house guests for an extended period of time the girls really didn't know that they should have practiced two of the main rules of a house. The first being to lock the door. The second is to always knock. If they, along with their house guests, had kept this in mind many of the events of this morning would not have happened.  
  
Sam stirred in her sleep. She didn't want to wake up since she was having a fantastic dream about some hot guy that looked very familiar. But the voices in her room wouldn't shut up.  
  
"'Ro is it customary here for girls to sleep with no shirt on ?"  
  
"I don't know Dan. I think if all girls sleep in this manner that I shall like it here."  
  
"If you two don't get out of my room I'm going to kick your asses into next week."  
  
"Sorry, Sam," Elrohir whispered, leaning down close to her bed. "We just wished to apologize for our behavior last night."  
  
"You wanted to apologize," Elladan snapped. "Leave me out of this. I think I was completely right."  
  
"GET OUT," Sam screamed, sitting up to throw a pillow at them. Looking down she quickly realized that she was giving them quite a show. "OUT, OUT, OUT !"  
  
The twins quickly retreated to the relatively safe living room.  
  
Meanwhile, Jessie had walked out of her bathroom having forgotten something she needed in her bedroom. Haldir, just walking by, heard the running water and decided not to let a nice hot shower go to waste. He quickly stripped down and jumped in before Jessie came back. Jessie entered the room a second later and pulled back the shower curtain for the surprise of her life. Her scream could be heard miles away.  
  
Misha was busy dressing after her own shower when Legolas just opened her door to ask her a question. Now imagine the embarrassment. Misha screamed her head off at Legolas and the poor elf managed to get her door closed before a very heavy object hit him. The object shook the door as it smacked into it. Legolas himself was a very nice shade of magenta.  
  
Now all of this could have been avoided if people would just learn to lock doors and knock instead of just waltzing in whenever they want to.  
  
A/N3- Sorry. Lack of sleep made for a crappy chapter. The writer's block is coming back. TICS its your turn again. Save me from the block. 


	14. When Good Elves Go Bad

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Disclaimer: We do not own LOTR, or any of its characters - is this starting to sound familiar to you? **Haldir:** Okay_everybody_ was naked in that last chapter. What is _wrong_ with you two writers? **TICS:** Don't look at me - that was SG's fault. Besides, not _everybody_ was nakedI seem to remember that _you_ were the only _Elf_ in his birthday suit. **Haldir:** Well, lucky, lucky me. **TICS: **_Sarcasm_, Oh Arrogant One? _Somebody_ needed to take you down a peg. **Haldir:** If you remember, _I_ wasn't the one screaming. **TICS: **Well, let's just see what I can do about that in _this_ chapter

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A/N: Hey, hey! Tongue In Cheek Scribe heremy turn again! Many thanks to our reviewers! Did anyone see the movie "Starsky and Hutch?" There was only _one_ good line in that movie, and I'm appropriating it. I changed it just a tad, though. I don't own it, but I figure they owe me $8.50 for the movie ticket I wasted and for two hours of my life that I'll never get back.

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Chapter 14

When Good Elves Go Bad

****

Jessie ran out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, still screaming at the top of her lungs. She ran straight into Legolas, who was still a lovely shade of magenta, knocking both of them down on the floor. Elladan and Elrohir ran out of Sam-the-tall's bedroom, tripping over Jessie and Legolas, and falling flat on their twin faces. The four of them lay on the floor in a clump.

Gimli, having been awoken by the all the screaming, came charging out of the living room, axe in hand. He stopped short at the sight of the four bodies piled up on the floor.

"Either ye all be dead, or ye all be doing something methinks I don't want to know about" he said, raising a busy eyebrow, and leaning on his axe handle.

"We just tripped, Gimli," Elrohir tried to explain. "That's all that happened."

"Uh, huh. Then tell me Laddie, why is Miss Jessie in a towel?"

"She was taking a shower with Haldir."

"I WAS NOT!" Jessie screamed, sitting up holding the towel closed with one hand, and punching Elrohir with the other.

"Has anyone ever told you that you have an anger management problem?" Elrohir said, rubbing his arm. "That's gonna leave a mark!"

"Someone call me?" Haldir said, stepping out of the bathroom.

"Oh, _GOD_!' Jessie screamed, her eyes rolling up in her head, She fell backward on the floor with a thump.

"What? I've got a towel on," Haldir protested to the shocked looks of the still conscious foursome.

"Haldir" came Misha's voice as she stepped out of her room. "_That_ would be a washcloth."

Haldir turned and retreated into the bathroom. Misha raised an eyebrow and watched the show every step of the way, then turned to the ones on the floor saying, "Up! Everybody UP! Elrohirwhat are you _doing_?"

"Giving Jessie mouth-to-mouth. I saw it on the television box today."

"Jessie does not NEED mouth-to-mouth. JESSIE is still _breathing_. JESSIE is not even _unconscious_ anymore! JESSIEget up and get dressed!" Misha yelled, causing Jessie to giggle and run into her room. Misha let out a huge sigh, and walked into the kitchen to start breakfast.

An hour later, everyone managed to keep their clothes on long enough to have breakfast. Afterwards, Misha and Sam sat everyone down in the living room for a "stern talking to." In other words, the Elves, Hobbits, Gimli, and Jessie sat, while Misha and Sam took turns screaming at them.

"We need to have some new house rules. Rule #1 remains the same" Sam (the tall) said, looking directly at Jessie. "NO touching the ELVES or the HOBBITS."

Misha continued, "Rule #2" she directed her best 'you'd better listen if you know what's good for you' stare at Elladan and Elrohir, "NO leaving without permission!"

"Rule # 3KNOCK!" They said together, directing this one at Haldir, Legolas, Jessie and the twins.

"Why do we have to sit here?" asked Frodo. "Gimli and we are the only ones who haven't done anything."

"_Yet_. The operative word, which you seemed to forget to include in that sentence, is _yet_. You haven't done anything, _yet_," Sam (the tall) said.

"We need to go to work. Let's go" Misha said, heading for the door. When no one else moved, she looked at them with a questioning look.

"I absolutely refuse to go back to those mauling teenagers," Legolas said, folding his arms over his chest.

"You are _such_ a wuss," Haldir said, snorting at the other blonde Elf.

"Easy for _you_ to say, Haldiryou didn't have to go through all that pawing yesterday," Legolas retorted. "Besides, no one knows who _you_ arethe actor playing you only had a couple of lines in those movies. And - you died, as I recall. No one could possibly want to _maul_ you."

"Mind your tongue, Legolasif I were out in that chair, girls would be standing 10 deep waiting to get to me!" Haldir snapped, tensing his shoulders.

"Only because the line to see _me_ would stretch halfway to Arda!" Legolas snorted, tossing his blonde mane.

"Why would anyone want to see _you_, you prancing nancy!" Haldir spit, looking down his nose at Legolas.

"I assure you, they'd MUCH rather see me than _you_, you arrogant _jackass_!" Legolas sneered, narrowing his eyes dangerously.

"GentleElves - please! There's no need to argue" Elladan said, smiling and putting his arms around Legolas' and Haldir's shoulders. "I'm certain we can come up with _some_ way to settle this argument"

****

Two hours later, Haldir and Legolas and all four Hobbits were sitting in lawn chairs just behind the gate to the petting zoo. Elladan was collecting the money, and Elrohir was handing out tickets, Misha and Sam (the tall) were doing line control, and Gimli was acting as the bouncer. Jessie kept cutting in the Hobbit line and beating on the girls who were trying to pet Frodo, so she was sent inside to mind the store.

The line to purchase tickets to pet the Elves had stretched out of the parking lot, and down the highway, clear out of the line of sight. They had filled several large garbage bags with cash before noon.

Just after one in the afternoon, a commotion arose from around Haldir's chair. Gimli tried wading through the fangirls, but they were much bigger than he was, and he couldn't get very far.

Misha and Sam (the tall) came running when they heard Haldir start yelling, "What are you doing? That is NOT included in the ticket price! GET AWAY FROM THERE!" Girls were being flung away from the chair, sailing over the fence to land with little splats in the parking lot. Even still, there were two many girls clustered around Haldir for Misha and Sam to get through.

Misha looked up at the sky and screamed, "YOU! VALAR! The ones that tried to fry _our_ asses on the beachDO SOMETHING!" Thunder boomed, lightning crackled, and a torrential rain fell - just over the petting zoo. Girls scattered everywhere, leaving an opening for Misha and Sam (the tall) to slip through to Haldir.

They found him trying to hold off an older woman with both hands, and having a hard time of it. Evidently, this woman meant business. Her arms were outstretched and holding on for dear life to Haldir's pants' zipper.

"DragonLady?" Misha said incredulously, while at the same time, Sam (the tall) said, "Mother?"


	15. Of Mice And Men

A/N- Its me again. Aren't you so happy to see me ? **Haldir**: I hate you both. **SG**: Come on Haldir, is that all you have to say ? **Haldir**: I refuse to be baited by you two mad women again. **SG**: Well, you just insulted us. I say my job here isn't quite done. I think the Dragon Lady should get her way. **Haldir**: No, please, anything but that.  
  
Disclaimer: We own it all. Along with the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, and Santa Clause who by the way wasn't too happy about being bought and then downsized.  
  
Of Mice and Men  
  
"Oh, God, I don't think my mind can handle this," Sam (the tall) muttered while staggering back. The sight of her mother, who Sam considered very ancient by her standards, groping at Haldir was just too much for her fragile psyche to take. It was bad enough that Sam's father was the wimpiest man on earth surpassed only by George Jetson and that her mother sought to destroy her sanity by setting her up with the richest men on the planet with the worst personalities but this was going too far.  
  
"Will you get off of him already," Misha screamed, trying to pull the Dragon Lady off of a nearly hyperventilating Haldir. "You're married woman. Go to your husband."  
  
"I will not let this god of a man go until I get what I paid for. And for four hundred dollars I expect a hell of a lot more than just stroking his hair and idle conversation. I expect real petting that involves heavy breathing and lots of moaning."  
  
"Okay," Sam said in a slightly high pitched voice ",that's it. Going to pass out now. That was way too much to hear from someone especially my mother."  
  
With that Sam (the tall) fell backwards into Elladan's awaiting arms. The desperate fan-girls sensing that something was amiss tried to help by beating the Dragon Lady senseless. Their futile attempts only brought multiple bruises to Gimli, Legolas and Misha who got the brunt of their slaps and scratches. During that time Jessie's sixth sense kicked into high gear. Feeling that her precious Frodo was in a dire circumstance she boldly ran out of the shop and into the fray before her. She was promptly thrown out a few minutes later. That didn't deter her though. Jessie threw herself into the unstable crowd multiple times before she was able to retrieve the hobbit that she wanted. During her failed attempts she had only grabbed Sam (the old) and quickly threw him back in much to his own dismay.  
  
Elrohir was doing some fast thinking on his feet without his brother who was busy tending to the felled Sam. 'Ro stormed up to the Dragon Lady who had yet to relinquish her hold on the zipper of Haldir's pants. He placed a hand on her shoulder and said the one thing that he knew would draw her away from the abused elf ",Perhaps we can work something out more to your liking."  
  
"Lets discuss this further." The Dragon Lady let Haldir go and stepped out of the crowd to follow Elrohir to a somewhat quiet corner of the petting zoo. The corner that happened to house the alligator.  
  
Sam had regained consciousness and saw that her mother was doing some hard bargaining with Elrohir. "Throw her to the gator. He's always hungry and he eats anything. Lets hope he eats her," Sam (the tall) screamed at the bartering pair.  
  
"You, my dear," Misha sighed ",definitely have some issues to work out. Might I suggest something in the way of professional therapy with lots of drugs."  
  
Sam just smirked as she took Misha's offered hand. Though she found that she couldn't get up as readily as she would have liked. Looking back to Elladan she shot him a 'remove your hands or lose them' look. He immediately let go. Elrohir was back with the group in a matter of moments just as Misha yelled out to the crowd.  
  
"Petting zoo's closed for the day. Come back tomorrow."  
  
With many sighs and groans the obsessive fan-girls left the lot. Elrohir waited until the lot was completely empty before he spoke.  
  
"I was able to get her to agree to leave Haldir alone as long as some other things are done. First, Sam you have to apologize to Andy for breaking his nose. Second, you have to out on a date with some Congressman's son. And last, Haldir you have to go on a date with her. If those things are done she swore that she would leave all of us alone for the rest of her life."  
  
"I will not subject myself to that crone's company. I would rather die first," Haldir snapped.  
  
"I'm not going on another date with a jerk," Sam ground out between gritted teeth.  
  
"Its either that or," Elrohir sighed ",she comes to the apartment everyday for the rest of her life and personally escorts Sam on every date that she sets up for her. Not to mention random groping of any elves present."  
  
The group looked at one another before all looking to Haldir. Haldir finally got the point and caved ",Fine. I will escort the Dragon Lady out to the place of her choosing."  
  
Sam (the tall) remained silent while everyone waited for her to crack. After ten minutes it didn't look to likely that she would give in to her mother's demands. Gimli was smirking at the group looking quite amused with the turn of events. Misha was going to have to be the voice of reason yet again. As she opened her mouth to give Sam the reasons to take the deal another voice cut her off.  
  
"Think of the elves that you would be saving from your mother's advances. I'm sure Haldir would be most grateful to only have one night of the Devil's mother than a lifetime of it. And just think of what you would be getting out of it. No more dates with the scum of the earth."  
  
Everyone stared at Jessie in shock. Real shock. Complete with raised eyebrows and dropped jaws.  
  
"What," Jessie shrugged. "I can be mature and adult like when I want to be."  
  
The silence was broken by laughter. Through her tears Sam finally agreed to her mother's impossible requests. As Elrohir left the group to tell the Dragon Lady the good news Sam looked over to Misha ",We need a night out. A real night out complete with red paint and people remembering us for the next century."  
  
"For once I agree with you."  
  
A/N 2- Not my longest. But I found it somewhat humorous. The bad thing is the Dragon Lady is exactly like my mom. I've been married for nearly six years and the woman still tries to set me up on dates when I'm home. Talk about denial. And now (drum roll) TICS its your turn. 


	16. Twisted Twister

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Disclaimer: I do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **TICS:** Haldir, when will you learn not to tick SG off? **Legolas:** Snort! Haldir is gonna date the old broad! Snort! **TICS:** What are _you_ laughing at, Lego? **Haldir:** Yeah, Legolas, I didn't notice _anyone_ trying to get _your_ pants off. **Legolas:** Are you _crazy_? Don't use the words, "pants" and "off" in the same sentence around TICS! **TICS:** Thank you for reminding me, Haldir. **Haldir:** You're welcome. **Legolas:** Egads.

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A/N: Tongue In Cheek Scribe here againbig thanks to SG for leaving me a huge, gigantic, tremendous, _Grand Canyon_-sized opening for having fun with the Elves in the this chapter! YipeeI _do_ love tormenting them so!

Thanks also to our reviewers! Without you, we'd starve and fall over dead on our keyboardsthen who would take care of our muses and plot bunnies?

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Chapter 16

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Twisted Twister

The ride home from the store had been horrendous. Sam (the tall) and Haldir had argued the entire way home. Gimli was sorely tempted to whack them both in the head with his axe handle.

"I can't believe I have to date a congressman's son! They are the worst! The absolute _worst_!" Sam (the tall) lamented, pounding her hand on the steering wheel.

"Please! Look at what _I_ have to escort! I swear that woman had more than two hands," Haldir moaned, smashing his fist on the dashboard.

"Are you kidding? Those over-privileged snobs from Capital Hill _always_ think that dinner comes with dessert under the sheets! Your date is _peanuts_ compared to what I'm going to have to deal with!"

"You're insane! You only have to handle _one_ spoiled, wealthy, well connected, sex maniacI have to date _YOUR MOTHER_!"

"you win. It's been nice knowing you, Haldir, but I really don't think you'll survive Friday night," Sam (the tall) said sadly, shaking her head.

Haldir sighed, "If _only_ I could _hope_ to dieElves can only die in battle or from weariness of the world."

"Haldir, I hate to break it to you, but a date with _my_ mother _will_ be a battleand you _will_ be weary - I guarantee it."

****

After everyone was settled back in the apartment, Misha turned to Sam (the tall) and asked, "Where do you want to go tonight?"

"What? Go where?" Elladan asked from across the room.

"_Damn_ those Elf earsyou are going nowhere," Misha called over, frowning.

"If you two are going, so are we! We had just as rough a day as youyou can't keep us prisoners, you know," Elrohir chimed in. Both twins stalked over to Misha and Sam.

"I wouldn't mind getting out of this apartment for awhile, either," Legolas added, looking up from the "Where's Waldo" book he was reading. "The only places we've been are to the store and heresurely there is more to your world than that!"

"You just keep looking for Waldo," Sam (the tall) said, pointing at the book.

"I find him immediately on every pagethis book is really quite dull."

"_Damn_ those Elf eyesfind another book, then!" she snapped, pulling the book from his hands and tossing it away.

"Really, Lassies, we've done nothing but work and sleep since we got herewe need a bit of merrymaking ourselves!" Gimli gruffed, coming to stand next to the twins.

"Yes! We Hobbits are the only ones who have done _nothing_ to displease you, and still you keep us cooped up in here. You're worse than a pair of Orcs, you are!" Frodo cried, putting his hands on his hips. Sam (the old), Merry, and Pippin jumped up to join him, assuming the same position. Jessie got down on her knees next to Pippin, with her hands on her hips, and stared at Misha and Sam (the tall), "Yeah!" she yelled, "We hobbits need a break!"

"Jessie! You are NOT a hobbit! Whose side are you on?" Sam (the tall) asked.

"_That_ was a stupid questionthis is _Jessie_ you're talking to!" Misha said, rolling her eyes at Sam (the tall).

Haldir looked up from the sofa and added with a smirk, "I'd be careful if I were you twoHobbits do not get angry often, but when they do"

"Look, everybodyit's just not that simple. If we take you all out as a big group, you WILL draw attention to yourselves, and I just KNOW we'll have a crapload of trouble," Misha explained. "Drunken chicks in a crowded club will make those teenagers today look like nuns!"

"Look like none of what, Misha?" asked Sam (the old).

"Not _none_oh, never mind. The point is, you guys would be in WAY over your pretty heads, and there would be no way for Sam and I to get you out."

"I have an idea" Sam (the tall) said, turning to Misha. She whispered something in Misha's ear, causing Misha to grin.

"Perfect!" Misha shouted, clapping her hands. "Guys, we're going to have a party! It's perfect! We can all loosen up and have some fun, and no one has to get raped in the process."

"Jessiewhat about Jessie" Sam (the tall) asked Misha.

"If Jessie gets out of line, I'll hang her from the clothesline till the morning."

"What do we have to do for this party? Will there be decorations and presents?" asked Merry.

"Will there be food?" asked Frodo.

"Will there be dancing?" asked Sam (the old).

"Will there be _ale_?" asked Pippin, hopefully. The Hobbits held their collective breath for an answer.

"Yes, yes, yes, andyes! Decorations are in the hall closet. CD's are in the rack. I'll run down to the store and pick up the rest of the supplies," Misha laughed, grabbing her car keys. "You guys help Sam get the place ready, and I'll be back in a little while."

"Might I come with you? I really need some air" Legolas asked. He looked so hopeful that Misha couldn't turn him down.

"Okaybut keep the ears covered, alright?" she replied.

****

Misha and Legolas drove away from the curb in Misha's classic red Mustang. Legolas had his head sticking out of the window.

"Legolas, get back in here," Misha said, pulling on his shoulder, "you look like a collie with your hair blowing around like thatplus, if I drive too close to another car or truck, I'll have to explain to Sam why the Prince of Mirkwood no longer has a head."

"I am sorry, Misha. This is very exciting for methis speed is incredible! We have nothing in Arda that goes this fast! Even my horse cannot match it!" Legolas said, his eyes gleaming.

"You think _this_ is fast? We're only doing fifty! You should see what this car can _really_ do!" Misha laughed. She pulled onto the highway, and hit the gas. The car jumped forward and was soon flying down the road doing nearly 90.

Misha looked over at Legolas. His hands were braced on the dashboard, his eyes were wide, and his mouth was hanging open. She chuckled at his obvious surprise.

Taking the next exit, Misha pulled into the lot of the local 24-hour supermarket. Getting out the car, Legolas walked over to Misha and took her hand. He kissed it, and said, "Thank you, MiladyI am indebted for that exhibition. I will never forget it!"

"Please, Legolasdon't start with the 'milady' stuff againand give me back my hand. I do not _like_ people drooling on my fingers," she said, grabbing her hand back. "Butyou're welcome."

Misha began to question the wisdom of bringing Legolas with her almost immediately. The Elf was overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of merchandise as soon as he walked in the door. Well, as soon as she could _get_ him to walk in the door. That involved a long string of promises that the 'magical door that opened by itself' was safe to walk through.

She had had to chase him up and down the aisles. No sooner did he pause to take a closer look at an item, that another caught his attention, and he was off like a shot. She finally cornered him in the toy department, in the action figure aisle. He was holding a figure in his hands, with an extremely puzzled look on his face.

Turning to Misha, he said, "This toy looks like me." He held out the LOTR action figure that was labeled, "Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood."

"It's from those movies we showed youremember?"

"Ah, yesremarkable, though - look at the tiny bow and quiver!" he said, marveling at the tiny reproduction of himself. "Misha, do you think, perhaps"

"Will you promise to stay with me and not make me run all over the store anymore?"

"Yes, of course!"

"Okaywe might as well pick up one for everybody," Misha sighed, looking through the stacks for the appropriate action figures.

****

A short while later, they arrived back at the apartment, carrying several bags. They needed to make two more trips to the car to get everything they bought inside.

Crepe paper had been strung across the ceiling and balloons were floating all around the living room. Music was already blasting from the stereo, and Sam (the tall) had ordered pizza. Misha quickly unpacked the bags, throwing tons of junk food on the table. She handed out the action figures, and then started handing out the bottles of Bud.

Everyone started to relax. The more they drank, the more they relaxed. Two bottles: shoes came off. Three bottles: socks came off. Six bottles: Shirts came off. Ten bottles: Pants came off.

By this time, everyone was flopped on the floor or the sofa, in their underwear. After all, after 10 bottles each, it was feeling pretty warm.

Sam (the old) staggered to the closet and dragged out a cardboard box. He brought it to Jessie, and asked, "Chessie, whas this?"

"Twishterish a game. Wanna play?" Jessie asked, weaving in her seat. "Ish easyyou spin the thingy, (_hic)_, and do what it says."

Within a few moments, Jessie and the Hobbits were in a huge pretzel formation on the brightly spotted plastic mat.

"Whosh got their hairy foot in my face?" Jessie asked, spitting out a hairball.

"Left hand, blue" Sam (the old) said.

"You din' spin, Sam," Pippin observed through bleary eyes.

"Nomy left hand ish blueI think Jessie ish sitting on it."

"Frodo," Merry asked, his voice slurred, "will you kindly remove your nose from my arse?"

Misha, Sam, Haldir, Legolas, and Gimli sat in a semicircle on the other side of the couch. Misha had handed everyone a fresh bottle, and introduced them to the game, "Fuzzy Duck."

"Fuzzy Duck," Misha said to Haldir.

"Fuzzy Duck," Haldir said to Sam (the tall).

"Fuzzy Duck," Sam said to Gimli.

"Duzzy Fxxk," Gimli said to Legolas.

Gimli had to chug a bottle.

The party went on until the wee hours of the morning.

Sunlight was blazing in the windows when Sam rolled over in bed. She tried to bunch the pillow up under her head, but for some strange reason the pillow was hard and wouldn't move. Cracking open her eyes, she blinked a few times to clear her vision. It wasn't a pillow at allit was a sixpack. Not a beer sixpack_this_ sixpack was breathing. Her eyes slowly made their way upward until they met Haldir's piercing gray stare.

Screams began to rise from every room in the apartment.

****

A/N: Okay, I've got them just where you want them, Southerngirltake it away!

****


	17. The Scream Marathon

A/N- SouthernGirl here getting ready to have some fun. **Haldir**: Oh, joy. Shall I get up and dance ? **SG**: I think I've seen enough of you already. **Haldir**: You can never have too much March Warden. **SG**: TICS and I are going to destroy that ego of yours. And we'll have fun doing it.  
  
Disclaimer- How many different ways are there to say that we don't own it ?  
  
The Scream Marathon  
  
"What the hell are you doing in here ? And you had better not be naked under that sheet," Sam screamed at the top of her lungs.  
  
"You should remember what I'm doing in here. Of course I'm naked under here. How else would I be ?"  
  
"Fully dressed and sleeping on the couch," Sam yelled. "Oh, god, I remember most of what happened last night."  
  
As Sam began tearing her room apart in search of her birth control Misha was having problems of her own. She had awakened to someone playing with her hair. When she had looked up she was greeted by the sight of a very naked Legolas in her bed. Her scream soon joined Sam's. "What the hell happened last night ? How the hell did you end up in here ? And where the hell are your clothes ?"  
  
"You won my clothes in a game of poker. Do you not remember ?"  
  
"I can't think around the pounding in my head."  
  
Jessie was screaming only because she heard her two roommates doing it. She, after all, had ended up sharing her bed with her favorite hobbit and was quite happy with it all. Until she realized that she had broken a house rule. She realized this right around the time that Sam did. And in different rooms the two girls said the same thing ",Misha's going to kill me."  
  
The occupants of the various furniture of the living room were looking up at the closed bedroom doors wondering what all of the screaming was about. Elladan and Elrohir, having the best hearing, were already well aware of what was happening. They quickly informed the others. Laughter was soon overtaking the screaming.  
  
Sam was still tearing her room to shreds managing to throw on various articles of clothing as she went. All of this was quite amusing to Haldir. "Why don't you come back to bed. There is still a lot of the morning still to enjoy."  
  
Sam shot him an incredulous look ",You better be joking. As tempting as that is I still say no. I don't need Misha killing me this early in my youth."  
  
"But I'm sure it would be well worth it."  
  
"Don't hold yourself in such high regards, Haldir."  
  
The three hobbits, two elves and dwarf were still staring at the three closed doors upstairs when something began happening. Jessie's door was the first to open. She stuck her head outside, taking a quick look around, before going back in and shoving Frodo out wearing only a sheet. Frodo, seeing the audience downstairs, turned purple from embarrassment. A moment later Misha's door cracked open. The group downstairs watched as she looked out of the door with one eye and then promptly threw Legolas out of her room with a sheet wrapped securely around him before slamming the door closed. Legolas, once realizing the position he was now in, also blushed to an unnatural color. A few minutes after Legolas' appearance Sam's door swung open and Haldir came flying out wearing nothing. He quickly covered himself with his hands as everyone on the first floor fell onto the floor from laughing so hard.  
  
The night of the dreaded dates....  
  
The week had passed fairly uneventful only because the girl's had sworn off alcohol for the rest of their lives. Their visitors had also managed to remain well behaved throughout the entire week. The petting zoo continued to bring in loads of cash as did the tourist shop only because Misha and Sam had decided to begin selling many things having to do with their cash cows. But then the night of the dreaded dates came.  
  
Sam walked downstairs looking as put together as she could manage considering she would rather be having a full mouth root canal than go on this date. She wore a toga inspired short dress with the stilettos to match. Her hair was down and there was a smidgen of make-up on her face. After all she didn't want to piss off the Dragon Lady any further. Misha looked up from her spot on the couch to her friend, seriously intending to give her a sympathetic look, but instead a smirk formed on her face.  
  
"Maybe if you wore a sweat suit on one of your dates for once...,"Misha began but let herself trail off once seeing the pitiful look on Sam's face.  
  
Elladan and Elrohir went at once to make Sam feel better. Elladan swept her off of her feet, spinning circles around the large living room. "You, my dear, look absolutely ravishing. I say we run off together and live on a deserted island somewhere."  
  
"No, that wouldn't suit one so lovely," Elrohir broke in, knocking his brother out of the way. "I would build you a palace with your very own monument that the villagers would have to kneel and worship every day."  
  
Sam had begun to giggle, some of her mood lifting. Then she looked to Misha. "Its such a shame for the two of you, being the handsome twins that you are, to waste all of your attention on me. Perhaps Misha would like a bit of your adorations."  
  
The twins took the hint and immediately pounced on Misha and layed every single ounce of charm on her. Pretty soon the hobbits, Legolas and even Gimli had joined in. The attention has managed to make Misha's cheeks turn slightly pink though she was loving every minute of it. Movement from the stairs caught Sam's eye and she turned her head to look at the elf that was walking down them. He looked handsome in his hand tailored suit that was a dark gray that seemed to suit him very well. Unfortunately, Sam didn't see the suit. All she saw was Haldir naked. That was all she seemed to see whenever he was in the room. Sam had tried as hard as she could to not even look in his direction whenever he was near but it was near impossible to do when Haldir always found a way to be standing in front of her needing to ask her a question. Sam raised her eyes to Haldir's and suddenly her knees went weak and buckled under her. Haldir managed to catch her before she could fall and laughed slightly.  
  
"Perhaps you should see a healer about that ?"  
  
"I'll be fine." Sam pulled herself away upon hearing a knock on the door. "That would be Momzilla and Damien, Satan's son. We should go."  
  
Sam opened the door, greeted by her mother's overly botoxed face. The woman had a permanent leer thanks to all of the injections and the face-life and the collagen and the cheek implants and the list could go on for several pages. Sam didn't see anyone with her mother so she ventured to ask ",He didn't show ? So I can stay at home tonight ?"  
  
"No. He's right here."  
  
Sam's mother moved out of the way and Sam's jaw practically hit the floor. There in the hall was a smooth skinned youngster.  
  
"Are you out of your mind, mother ? He's what twelve ?"  
  
"Fifteen, thank you."  
  
"He isn't even old enough to drive ! There are laws against this. Do you really want me to go to prison ?"  
  
"I figured that you wouldn't dare to hurt someone younger than you. So I assumed that you would behave yourself tonight."  
  
Sam clenched her jaw as she grabbed her purse from a chair. She barged past Haldir and her mother, growling out ",Lets get this over with."  
  
Lucky for Misha and Jessie, Sam never heard their laughter.  
  
A/N 2- Man, TICS you are keeping me on my toes. I think this is the fastest I've ever updated anything. I feel the need to keep up with your speed. So, now its your turn. Embarrass Sam (the tall) as much as you wish. She deserves it. I know you'll do the same to Haldir. 


	18. When Dates Cry

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Disclaimer: We _STILL_ do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** High five, March Warden! **Haldir**: Oh yeah! _Who's_ your daddy? **TICS:** Oh, for the love ofget a _grip_, you two. **Legolas:** What's the matter, TICSyou're _blushing_ - she's _blushing_, Haldir! **Haldir:** I've never seen her blush beforewhy, _whatever_ are you thinking, TICS? **TICS:** I will get even with you two, if it takes the _rest_ of my life

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A./N: It's me again, Tongue In Cheek Scribe. Whoa, SGthat was quite a chapter! Pant. Pant. I'll try to concentrate so I can write this onebut it ain't gonna be easy!

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Chapter 18

When Dates Cry

__

Sam and Damien, spawn of Satan

"So, kidwhat time is your curfew?" Sam said snidely, as she walked with her prepubescent date to the waiting limousine.

"I don't have onemy dad said it was time for me to become a man," the leering fifteen year old said, grinning up at Sam.

"Listen, kiddolet's get one thing straight _right now_you lay _one_ pimple-encrusted finger on me, and you will _NEVER_ survive long enough to hear your voice changegot it?" Sam growled, staring down at the embryo her mother had set her up with.

"OoohI _like_ 'em when they're _sassy_" the kid said, leering at Sam, completely unflustered by her threat.

Sam rolled her eyes, praying that _surely_ she had been adopted, because if that sick, twisted creature that called herself her mother was _indeed_ her flesh and blood, Sam might just throw herself in front of the limo and end it all right then and there.

An image of Haldir's face, straining and groaning, flashed in her mind, and she welcomed the distraction from the lecherous Lilliputian sitting next to her in the limousine.

"Where are we going?" Sam asked, her mind still fixed on the image of long silver hair hanging like a curtain around Haldir's handsome face.

"First, dinner at the Leaning Tower of Pizza. Then we have tickets to the premiere of _Transformers 2004- the Musical_, followed by a stop at Arcade World - I've taken the liberty of entering us in the DDR Championships - thenwho knows?" he answered, winking.

"Ughdon't wink at _me_, you slimy hormone-with-feet!" Sam retorted, jumping to the opposite side of the limo.

"I cannot _believe_ this! If he were just three years older, I could deck him and be done with it! Butsince I don't want to spend the remainder of my youth with Big Bertha in Cell Number 9, I have to put up with this _fetus_!" Sam thought to herself, grinding her teeth.

It was going to be a long, long night.

__

Haldir and the Dragonlady

Haldir's arm was beginning to ache from the deathgrip the Dragonlady had on it. She had sunk her lacquered nails into his bicep the moment the door had closed behind them, and hadn't relinquished it since.

"You look positively _scrumptious_ in that suit, Haldir, _darling_. Is it Armani?" she purred, batting inch long false eyelashes at him, as they sat in the back of the limousine.

"I don't know."

"Oh, it doesn't matterit still looks _heavenly_ on you! Tell me, do you like sushi? I have reservations for us at the most _exclusive_ Japanese Steakhouse in the city, and they have a _fabulous_ sushi bar!" She prattled on, one hand still wrapped around his arm, the other now resting on his knee.

"I don't know."

"Well, I _adore_ sushi! Do you like swing music, Haldir? I thought that after dinner we could go dancing at the Bogart Clubit's the most _trendy_ nightspot in the city!" She asked, oblivious to Haldir's indifference.

"I don't know."

She was sliding her free hand slowly up his thigh. Haldir lifted an eyebrow, then picked her hand up with two fingers - as if loathe to touch it - and deposited it neatly back in her own lap.

"Haldirhave you _ever_ enjoyed the luxury of a hot tub? The Windsor Hotel has a _wonderful_ hot tubperhaps we can stop there after the club. They also have the most _decadent_ chocolate covered strawberrieswe could order some up to the room," she informed him in a husky voice.

"I don't know."

"Do you EVER say anything besides, 'I don't know?' You sound like a broken record!" Dragonlady's true colors began to emerge as she started to lose patience with her recalcitrant date.

"I don't know."

Haldir repressed a smile. He had unintentionally hit on just what pushed the Dragonlady's buttonsit seemed that apathy drove her insane. Well, if _anyone_ could remain aloof, arrogant, and indifferent it was the March Warden of Lothlorien! He'd have her either in tears or tearing her hair out by the end of the night. He stared straight ahead, determined to answer her only when necessary, and then only in one syllable words. Glazing over, his gray eyes stared at the back of the driver's head, but his mind pictured Sam's face, her hair spread out on the pillow behind her, moaning softly. Inwardly, he smiled.

__

Sam and Damien, spawn of Satan

Dinner and the movie had been every bit as godawful as Sam had thought it would be. Greasy, stringy pizza was usually her favorite food, but not when sitting across from a pimply faced, vertically challenged infant with cheese caught in his braces, and sauce dripping from his chin.

She'd almost fallen asleep in the theater, if she hadn't caught herself in time. Falling asleep was an open invitation for Hormone Boy to develop wandering fingers. Still, she nearly had to physically hold her eyelids open with her fingers while trying to sit through the badly animated, musically impaired feature film.

Sam was almost relieved when it was over, until she realized that their next stop was an arcade, where, no doubt, a gaggle of equally boob-infatuated adolescent friends of Satan's Spawn would be waiting to see their friend's date try to compete in some half-baked electronic dance debacle. Undoubtedly, she would wind up giving them a show worthy of a _lifetime_ of wet dreams in the skimpy, one shouldered mini-dress and stiletto heels she had worn that night.

Deciding to at least _attempt_ to save herself from that fate-worse-than-death, she swallowed hard to avoid puking, and turned to the kid sitting next to her in the limo. "So, Damien, umdo you know what I'd _really_ like to do now?"

"What?" he answered, surprised that she had actually initiated a conversation.

"I really don't want to go to some crowded arcadedo _you_?" Sam laid it on thick, complete with batting eyes, and pouting lips.

"Gulp. Where d-d-d-o you want t-t-t-o go?" he stuttered, his eyes glued to her full lips.

"For ice cream. I _love_ ice cream. I _love_ to lick a cone" Sam whispered, running her tongue over her lips.

The kid squeaked. It wasn't an actual word, but Sam thought it might have meant "okay." She watched as he picked up the phone to call the driver. Smiling to herself, she realized that she had inadvertently hit on the best way to handle Junior Mint. All she had to do was pretend to be the world's biggest slut, and he'd be too nervous to try anything stupid.

She wondered how Haldir was doing with the Dragonlady.

__

Haldir and the Dragonlady****

Dinner had been horrible. Dragonlady kept trying to feed Haldir raw fish, which he steadfastly refused to eat. "Who does this woman think I am_Golem_?" he thought, resolutely keeping his mouth glued shut.

"Haldir, _darling_try this one - it's _salmon_!" Dragonlady enticed, trying to wedge the rice encrusted tidbit between Haldir's lips. He growled deep in his chest, but refused to open his mouth.

"No, thank you," He said, as soon as she put her hand down.

"Damn it, Haldir! This dinner is costing me a _fortune_! The _least_ you could do it _try_ it!" The Dragonlady hissed, her botoxed face straining to show a frown. All she succeed in doing was flaring her nostrils wide enough to park a mini-van in.

"No, thank you."

"How do you know you won't like it if you don't try it?" She asked, trying a different tactic. "Certainly, a big, strong Elf like yourself isn't _afraid_ to try something new?"

"Afraid? _AFRAID_? The March Warden of Lothlorien fears _nothing_!" Haldir thought, narrowing his eyes at the woman seated next to him at the table. He popped his mouth open so she could place the fish on his tongue. He swallowed without chewing, suppressing a shudder.

"There, that wasn't so bad, was it? Now try a piece of squid" she said, picking up a cube of rice with a brown slimy sliver of something on it.

"No, thank you."

"Haldir, you just _tried_ onewhy not another? You aren't _afraid_ are you?" She smiled, thinking she had hit on the best way to get him to do what she wanted - by calling him a coward.

"No, thank you."

Haldir smiled inwardly. He had already proven he wasn't afraid to eat the slippery raw seafoodno amount of name-calling would prove him otherwise. It was back to one word syllables and uncooperative behavior, until he could get back to the apartment.

He simply sat stoically in his chair, his back ramrod straight, staring right over the Dragonlady's head. It was infuriating her, and he couldn't have been happier about it.

After dinneror rather, after the Dragonlady finally gave up trying to feed Haldir, they re-entered the limousine and headed for the Bogart Club, a forties swing dance club. He received a lot of attention from the women in the club, which, of course, delighted the Dragonlady. She kept her viselike grip on his arm the entire time.

Dragging him to the dance floor, she held his hands and attempted to get him to do something besides stand stock still, but to no effect. He was unmovable - a tall, silver haired monolith in the middle of a bobbing, twirling, sea of humanity.

Finally having had enough, the Dragonlady led him back to the limousine, intent on getting to the hotel room she had reserved.

"You _WILL_ give me my money's worthor I _WILL_ torture Sam and your Elf friends for the rest of time!" the Dragonlady hissed as they driver pulled away from the curb.

Arriving in the room, Haldir stood by the window, silent and aloof. The Dragonlady had gone into the bathroom to "change into something more comfortable." Haldir hoped she would change into a toad.

Waiting, he noticed a counter set into one of the walls of the suite. Behind the counter was a double row of bottles. Raising an eyebrow, he picked one of the bottles and sniffed it. His face broke into a grin, realizing what the bottles held. They smelled like Elvenmeada very strong drink back home. He eyed the bathroom door, which was still closed, an idea formulating in his mind.

By the time Dragonlady came out, dressed in a nearly transparent negligee which almost made Haldir lose the one piece of fish she had managed to make him swallow, he had two glasses set on the counter, waiting.

"Why, how sweet of you to mix us a drink, Haldir," she purred, taking the glass nearest her.

Before she could drink, Haldir said, "In my world, there is a custom that says that before two lovers touch, they must, erdrink to each other's health. If the glasses are not drained in one swallow, one of the lovers will die," Haldir said, hoping she bought the bull he was feeding her.

"How incredibly romantic!" the Dragonlady sighed, rubbing up against Haldir. He took a half step back from her and picked up his glass.

"Cheers, darling!" the Dragonlady called, lifting her glass to Haldir's.

They drained their large glasses without stopping.

The Dragonlady put her glass down on the counter, then took a step toward Haldir. Suddenly she stopped, her face draining of what little color was there. Her eyes rolled up in her head, and she fell forward, face down on the carpet.

Haldir smiled, glancing over at the bottles, and thanking Eru for the wide selection of clear, potent liquids that he had combined in her drink, as well as for the tap water in his own glass.

He dragged The Dragonlady to the bed by her feet, reminding himself to wash his hands thoroughly before he left. Placing her on the bed, he ruffed up her hair, and, putting one hand over his eyes, ripped off her nightgown, dropping it to the floor. Without uncovering his eyes, he felt for the comforter, and threw it over her snoring, unconscious form. Turning around, he went to the bathroom and scrubbed his hands in the hottest water he could manage.

He left the hotel, and retraced their route all the way back to the apartment. Sam's car pulled up just as he climbed the steps to the front door.

"Hey, how'd it go with The DragonladyI'm surprised you can still walk!" Sam said, smiling at the big Elf.

Smiling back, Haldir quickly gave Sam a rundown of his evening. She told him all about her date, as well, and they laughed long and loud all the way up to the apartment.

Sam put her hand out to open the door, but Haldir put his over hers, stopping her. She looked up inquisitively, but, before she could utter a syllable, his mouth covered hers.

The door opened of its own volition, and a voice reached them.

"Please tell me you're drunk again. You're breaking House Rule #1!"

****

A/N: Here you go, SGhave fun!


	19. I Don't Know What To Call This One

Disclaimer- We don't own it. **Haldir**: I'm so hot you could fry an egg on me. **SG**: We've really got to do something about that ego of yours. **Legolas**: I'm so much hotter than Haldir. It says so right on my website. **SG**: Are you elves born with swelled heads ?  
  
**A/N**- Thanks to our reviewers. And just to answer one particular reviewers comment we do like our characters. I'm extremely partial to Sam. Its just good to put them through the paces every once in awhile.  
  
I Have No Idea What To Call This One  
  
Sam reluctantly broke the kiss she was having with Haldir to come face to face with Misha. A very not happy Misha. In fact she looked quite irritated. "What's happened now," Sam thought to herself but decided not to voice it out loud.  
  
"Did you hear me," Misha snapped. "I said you're breaking rule number one. What do you have to say for yourselves ?"  
  
"That tourist season is almost over and we need to figure out what to do with the rest of our year. I personally don't want to get another job. I'm open to suggestions."  
  
"Don't change the subject, Sam."  
  
"I wasn't. You asked what I had to say for myself and that was it."  
  
Sam and Haldir managed to squeeze past Misha into the apartment. Seeing that Misha's face had not changed its expression Sam decided in her head to take whatever Misha had to vent. That's what friends were for after all. And it wasn't exactly fair that Sam was breaking the one rule of the house while Misha was showing a perfect time keeping her tongue to herself and not down Legolas' throat.  
  
"Before they came here you followed the few rules that we had here. What's changed ?"  
  
"Maybe I followed the rules before because we didn't have any," Sam replied with a sigh before finding herself a nice, comfy spot of the couch that was made for long periods of sitting. Sam knew that she would be there quite awhile.  
  
After an hour of Misha acting like a mother hen she finally had tired herself out. All previous frustrations completely drained from her. Misha walked up the stairs to the bedroom and closed the door. Sam looked at Haldir with arched eyebrows ",She just needs to sleep with Legolas again. Sober this time. So she can remember everything."  
  
As if on cue, Misha's door flew open with a bang and Legolas was shoved out clutching Misha's bedspread around his waist. Sam and Haldir just stared at him with eyebrows almost arched to their hairlines as Misha slammed the door closed and locked it.  
  
"Or, maybe not," Haldir smirked.  
  
That night everyone slept in their own beds. But they were in for quite a surprise when they awoke the next morning. Living on the coast of the Carolinas provides many of its residents with interesting weather variations. One of those being hurricanes. There's even a season for it. Hurricane season usually begins when tourist season ends. As luck would have it tourist season was drawing to a close very quickly. Hurricane season was right around the corner and the Valor, being the helpful Gods they are, decided to help it along a bit.  
  
The elves were the first ones to wake to the god-awful sounds of thunder so loud it was deafening. The girls were the next ones up with the second clap of unnatural thunder. Followed by the hobbits and the dwarf. Much to everyone's surprise it was raining harder than any could ever remember. Misha quickly flipped on the television to the weather channel. Everyone in the room heard the same thing. A hurricane had suddenly formed without warning off of the coast and was making its way toward Myrtle Beach. All tourists had been advised to leave the area immediately and the residents had been ordered to board up their shops. Misha looked at Sam.  
  
"I'll get my rain coat," Sam grumbled, disappearing into her room.  
  
**A/N 2**- I had no idea what to call this one. Sorry. The hurricane thing just came to me since TICS and I have been dealing with some pretty crazy and dangerous weather lately. And now (lousy drum roll) its TICS turn. 


	20. The Wind's Not All That Blows

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Disclaimer: We _do_ not, nor have we _ever_ owned LOTR, or any of its characters. **Zeke:** It's a twisterit's a twister! **TICS:** No, it's a hurricane. **Legolas:** Who's the hayseed? **TICS:** Zeke, from the Wizard of Oz. **Legolas:** What's he doing in my disclaimer? **TICS:** The weather report. **Legolas:** You're off your medication, again, aren't you, TICS?

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A/N: Tongue In Cheek Scribe, here, yet again! I've taken my cue from the twins and built a shrine to _you_, our reviewers, on my computer desk, where I burn incense and chant several times a day. Ohmm.

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Chapter 20

The Wind's Not All That Blows

Sam (the tall), Misha, and Jessie scurried about the apartment, ripping through closets, searching under beds and in cabinets, adding to an ever growing pile of hurricane supplies on the dining room table. Batteries, flashlights, radio, first aid kit, canned food, can opener, and a host of other useful items went into the pile.

The Elves, Hobbits, and the Dwarf sat in the living room, watching the girls avidly, as they whipped about the apartment in their bright yellow slickers, while thunder rolled, and lightning flashed outside.

Haldir finally grabbed Sam (the tall) by the arm, bringing her to a halt. "What is this hurry-cane?" he asked, his face deadly grim. "Tell me now, how do I fight this beast? Which is better - sword or bow?"

Legolas slammed Misha bodily up against the wall, pinning her - it was the only way he could get her to stand still for a moment. "Tell me how to fight this monster. I am a seasoned warriorI will not let you, Sam, and Jessie fight it alone!"

"Aye! Me axe has gone quite a while without tasting blood! I will fight with you, Laddies, erand Lassies!" Gimli shouted, waving his trusty axe in the air.

"We are not only devilishly handsome brutes, we are also Knightswe, too will fight!" Elladan cried, Elrohir nodding in agreement.

"Small we may be, but in our hearts we are giants! We will fight for you, too, Misha, Sam, and Jessie!" Merry shouted, jumping to his feet. The other three Hobbits proudly came to stand next to him.

Frodo stepped over to take Jessie's hand, and said in a small voice, "Can't we just hide? I'm not a coward, but I'm very good at hidingI used to have a ring that"

Jessie interrupted him, saying, "You can't fight this, or hide from it. A hurricane is a tremendously powerful storm that can tear buildings apart! But, you are all very sweet to offer"

Misha smiled at Legolas for the first time in over a day. "We have to secure the apartment, then get down to store. We'll need to board it up, and make sure the animals are safe. You can help us with that."

Sam (the tall) just smiled at Haldir, not trusting herself to speak. When was the last time _any_ guy she knew offered to put his life on the line with some unknown danger to help her? _Never_, that she could remember.

Putting the guys to work, they quickly boarded the windows, removed breakables from shelves, and packed up the hurricane supplies. Piling into the cars, they made their way to the store, noticing that all the other traffic was going in the opposite direction. Never a good sign.

Arriving at the store, everyone exited. The wind was blowing so strongly at this point, that the Elves had to carry the Hobbits and the Dwarf inside, to keep them from blowing away down the road.

"I'm going to the barn to tend to the animals!" Misha yelled over the shrieking winds. She bent into the wind, trying to make her way over to the barn.

She had only made it half way, when a nearby tree, bent and broken by the wind, began to fall. She felt something tackle her, rolling her out of the way as the tree crashed to the ground just inches away.

Looking behind her, she realized Legolas had just saved her life. "Greatno pushing him out of the bedroom tonight, I guess," she thought, surprised that the thought of it didn't upset her one bit.

He helped her up, and then together they fought their way to the barn.

Inside the store, everyone worked at a feverish pitch, boarding windows and securing merchandise. Sam (the tall) explained that hurricanes often spit out tornadoes, which were even worse that the hurricane itself. Any loose items could become deadly missiles in the high winds. During one fierce storm, she had seen a pencil imbed itself into a tree.

A short while later, Misha and Legolas made it back to the store. Everyone sat in the middle of the windowless storeroom, having emptied the shelves, putting merchandise into boxes and storing them in the main room.

As the storm outside intensified, the winds began to shake the very walls of the store, They could hear the shingles being ripped from the roof, and spotted leaks forming here and there as the wind driven rain found its way through the chinks. A thunderous roaring sound could be heard outside, and it was getting louder by the minute.

Haldir motioned to Legolas, who came and sat near the March Warden. In Elvish, Haldir said, "I fear for their safety. This building will not hold much longer."

"Aye," Legolas answered in their native tongue, "The walls shake from the force of the wind. Never have I seen so fierce a storm! What do you think we should do?"

"Perhaps it is time to return home."

"Would you leave them to their fate?" Legolas asked, darted his eyes to the girls who sat hugging their knees, watching the roof. "I will not leave them. I will stay."

"We will ask the Valar to send them back with us. If they stay, they may die."

Legolas thought a moment, casting a look at the girls. "They will be like hellcats thereit will not be an easy adjustment," he said with a small smile.

"Better to adjust than to die," Haldir reasoned. Legolas gave a slight nod. He got up and whispered something to 'Dan and 'Ro.

The girls were startled when the four Elves began to sing. The song was in Elvish and was completely incomprehensible to them, but the Elves' voices were so pure and sweet as they rose above the noise outside, that, for a moment, the girls forgot about the danger of the storm.

Another moment and the roof began to peel away from the building. Rain, wind and debris began to sweep in, as the storm pulled at the remaining walls of the store. One by one the walls were pulled up and away by the swirling force of a tornado, leaving everything within at the mercy of the storm.

Luckily, everyone in the store had vanished.

The first thing Sam (the tall) became aware of was something heavy lying across her back. She struggled to move, but was pinned securely to the floor. Twisting her head, she met Haldir's gray eyes.

"Get off of me!"

"In a momentfirst we need to speak."

"Get off of me, NOW!" She bellowed. Still, Haldir didn't move.

Twisting her head in the other direction, she saw Frodo and Merry sitting on Jessie's back, and Legolas had Misha in a full body tackle. Both of the other girls were also screaming to be let upMisha's language was more colorful than Sam could ever remember.

"Listen to us! This is importantstop wiggling like that, MishaI will not be able to remember what I need to tell you!" Legolas shouted, his nose inches from Misha's face.

"If you would stop screeching like wounded wargs, you would hear that there is no more wind," Haldir said, slipping his hand under Sam's (the tall) chin, and covering her mouth.

The girls fell silent as they realized the Elves were rightthere was no more wind. There also was no more parking lot, petting zoo, or store. Instead, there was only thick, blue-green grass and colorful, dainty wildflowers.

"I don't think we're in Kansas, anymore" Jessie said, as Frodo and Merry let her sit up.

"Please let me up," Sam (the tall) said to Haldir, the volume of her voice reduced to near normal.

"Will you behave yourself?"

"Have you ever known me to behave myself?"

Haldir chuckled, letting Sam sit up. He hovered close, in case she went berserk again.

"Legolas, if you don't get off me, you will find yourself in the unhappy position of having to find another body part to pee from," Misha growled, staring into Legolas' blue eyes.

Realizing exactly where Misha's hands were, Legolas reluctantly rolled off her, allowing her to move.

Looking around her, Misha's eyes grew as big as saucers, "Where are we? Did the twister drop us here?"

"No, the storm did not bring you hereI did," came a voice.

Looking around for the voice, Sam (the tall) called out, "_Where_ exactly is _here_, _who_ exactly are you, and _what_ exactly gives you the right to bring us _anywhere_?"

Haldir sighed, and said, "I believe you left out 'when' and 'why." He lifted her chin up so she could see the cloud, shaped like a man's head, hanging in the sky above them.

"Is he any relation to Wave Head Guy?" Sam asked, before falling back on the ground in a faint.


	21. The Big Airhead

**Disclaimer: Nienna: **HERE! FINALLY! **Legolas: **You took SO long and you weren't able to write in the last 20 chapters! **Nienna: **That's why I'm here! Anyway we don't own LoTr! If I did I'd be dead...

A/N: Hey Nienna here... Sorry I took so long to write... Anyway I'M READY TO WRITE!!! Oh yeah and to MamboDancer... It's now the three of us!

**Chapter 21:** The Big Airhead

"I am Manwe!" the cloud said, "Can I call you Max?" 'Dan asked Max, "No..." he grumbled, "Anyway

welcome to Middle Earth fair maidens of a distant place called Earth" Max said, "Wait... How do you know

that we come from Earth?" Sam asked, she looked at him suspiciously, "I know everything..." Manwe

replied getting all misty eyed, "PERVERT!" Jessie shouted then everyone stared at her, "What? He said he

knew EVETHING!" Jessie said, "Anyway, the wave guy-"Max said but was cut off by 'Ro "Ulmo" "Fine...

Elmo-" "ULMO!" "FINE! I'm just here to say hi even though Ulmo was supposed to do it but he payed me

500 bucks to welcome you so I did so bye..." Max said then disappeared, everyone blinked in confusion

"So where are we off to?" Sam the Tall asked, "Well we'll let you know as soon as we find out where we

are..." Legolas said, "Oh gosh, you're the one who's lived here for 2900-"Misha said, "2931" Legolas buts

in, "Fine, 2931 years and you still don't know your way around Arda?" Misha continues, "Yup!" Legolas

grinned, Misha, Sam and Jessie just sighed, "I think 'Dan knows his way around here..." 'Ro smirked, "I

do?" 'Dan asked, 'Ro smacked 'Dan's head, "Oh! I do!" 'Dan smirked, "Come on! Follow me!" 'Dan said as

he ran into the forest

When the rest of the people, elves, hobbits an dwarf arrive 'Dan was seen knocking on a rock, "What is he

doing?" Gimli asked 'Ro but 'Ro shrugged, "Ah! Here it is!" 'Dan grinned as he opened a door in the rock

and got out a stick, "What's that supposed to do?" Pippin asked, "It happens to teleport people!" 'Dan

grinned, the rest started to try and hide their laughter but they ended up rolling on the floor laughing out

loud then 'Dan touched a button on the stick and the companions landed in Rivendell, everyone except for

'Dan stared in surprise and 'Dan smirked then Elrond just happened to pass by, "YOU'RE BACK!" he

gasped, everyone looked at him, "I mean, YOU'RE BACK!" he shouted happily as he went to hug 'Dan but

'Dan moved making him fall down, Elrond muttered some colorful words

"This is your room my ladys" a random elf servant said as se opened the door to the girl's bedroom, the

girl's eyes opened wide in amazement, "This would be great if it was all painted black..." Jessie said, "WHY

DO THEY GET A BETTER ROOM THAN ME??!!" Legolas whines from behind them, the girls enter the room

and slam the door behind them

A/N: OK That's all I could think about now so... R/R PLEASE!


	22. A Horrible Evil Unleashed

A/N- I'm back. Pardon any lame writing. I recently fired my muse and she countered with a case of writer's block. **Haldir**: You're using that excuse ? **SG**: Its not an excuse. **Haldir**: You should just tell them that you don't know what you're doing. **SG**: I can shove you back in the box you know ? **Haldir**: I'd like to see you try. **SG**: Or...I could just do something really mean to you in this chapter.  
  
Disclaimer- We still don't own it so quit asking.  
  
A Horrible Evil Unleashed  
  
Sam and Jessie eyed the huge bed before them. Within moments they were jumping on it like a couple of kids on a sugar high in a candy store. They had just convinced Misha to join them in using the bed as a trampoline when there was a knock on the door. Without waiting for permission to enter a young elleth walked into the room. She took one look at the trio bouncing on the bed and she immediately paled.  
  
"Why do people always do that when we're around?" Sam asked the pair standing next to her while hooking a thumb at the girl in the room.  
  
The other two just shrugged while the elleth regathered her composure. "My ladies, I apologize for my behavior. I have been sent by Lord Elrond to deliver more appropriate clothing for you. Such strange garments you wear."  
  
Jessie snarled at the girl ",Speak for yourself."  
  
Before Jessie could continue on any other kind of tirade Sam and Misha pushed her off of the bed. She landed with a nice thump. Jessie immediately jumped up to join the others in examining the dresses that had been brought in. Sam was the first to grab a dress.  
  
"Mine," she called out, holding the red dress up to her body and twirling around the room.  
  
Misha immediately snatched up a dark purple dress with silver embroidery along the neckline ",This one is mine."  
  
Jessie looked on in dismay at the only dress left. It was pink. Not just any color pink. But pastel pink. Misha and Sam stopped their spinning to stare at Jessie with pity in their eyes. "I'm sure we can dye it," Sam offered helpfully.  
  
"Yes, I'm sure they have something to make black dye with," Misha piped up.  
  
The elleth looked at the trio in confusion. "Are you in mourning?" she asked Jessie.  
  
"No," Jessie snapped. "I just like the color black."  
  
Before the girl could even open her mouth to comment Sam had pushed her out of the door and promptly closed it in her face. Sam's face lit up with a bright smile as she made her way toward Jessie. "Come on. We have black dye to find."  
  
The three searched high and low through the halls of Imladris not finding a single drop of black dye. That is when they decided to wander the grounds for some sort of berry or flower that could be used. Misha was the first to find a bush that had dark berries hanging from it. The three quickly gathered up as many of the berries they could find and made their way back to their room.  
  
Two hours and a newly dyed dress later....  
  
Loud knocking threatened to send the door off of its hinges as the girls finished getting ready. Misha opened the door and immediately began drooling. There in the doorway were Legolas, Haldir, the hobbits and the twins. All who were looking quite handsome and very drool worthy. Sam, though, was wondering where the other short companion was.  
  
"Where's Gimli ?"  
  
"You look nice,too," Haldir snorted. "I'm here in my finest and all you can think to ask is where's the dwarf ?"  
  
"You look good. But you always look good. Do you really need your ego stroked that much ?"  
  
Haldir opened his mouth to reply but then quickly closed it. It would be much better for him to bring this subject up later in the night. Legolas eyed Misha with open adoration and answered Sam's question ",Gimli has decided to get a head start on the ale. Shall we join him."  
  
Dinner was a fancy event with several courses and visiting dignitaries. The reason for the VIPs soon became known when everyone made their way to the Hall of Fire. With everyone seated and comfortably buzzed from all of the free flowing alcohol Lord Elrond spoke ",I fear we have a new evil to battle. One that greatly surpasses the power of Sauron and even Melkor himself. If you will look outside you will see what I am speaking of."  
  
Everyone slowly made their way from the room and onto one of the many porches. The sky was dark and lightening flashed in the distance. Over the howling wind high pitched giggles could be heard.  
  
"I fear that this evil has the power to change Middle Earth as we know it."  
  
The three girls just looked at one another.  
  
A/N 2- Its short and sucks but its a start to getting over the writer's block. TICS its your turn. 


	23. Here There Be Dragons

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Disclaimer: We do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Where's Haldir? **TICS:** Southerngirl had to fire her muse, so I sent him to help her out. **Legolas:** You sent Haldir to SG? Are you _daft_, woman? Do you have any idea what she'll do to him now that she has him alone? **TICS:** Who are youhis _mother_? He's a big boyhe can take care of himself. **Legolas:** Alas, poor Haldir, I knew him well

****

Chapter 23

Here There Be Dragons

"I _know_ that giggle" Sam whispered, her eyes as wide as saucers. "It can't beplease, if there is a godit just _can't_ be!" Flying to the edge of the porch, she peered out into the distance. "Haldir! Come here," she called over her shoulder.

Haldir quickly walked to Sam's side, looking down questioningly. Sam looked up, meeting his intense gray eyes, and asked, pointing out into the storm in the distance, "Haldir, what do your Elven eyes see?"

Haldir squinted, staring hard into the night. Slowly, his eyes widened, as a tingle of recognition crawled up his back. "Oh, shitwe're toast."

"Haldir!" Elrond called, walking forward a few steps. "What is it? Do you recognize this threat to all of Middle Earth?"

Haldir and Sam exchanged a look that Misha caught. "_What_ did you see? Tell me right _now_, Sam."

Sam took a deep breath, and suppressed a shudder. Haldir put his hand on her shoulder to lend her strength. "It's not what I _saw_it's what I _heard_."

"I _did_ see itand it is truly horrible," Haldir continued, shuddering himself.

"For Eru's sakeWHAT IS IT?" Elrond shouted, losing patience with the two of them.

"It'sthe Dragonlady. I'd know her hideous giggle anywhere!" Sam answered, burying her face in Haldir's chest.

"No! How the _hell_ did _she_ get here?" Misha and Jessie asked together in perfect synchronization, shivering violently. Legolas and Frodo walked up behind them to comfort them.

"What is a Dragonlady, and what threat does it pose to us?" Elrond demanded, feeling foolish for being out of the loop.

Haldir looked Elrond in the eye, and said, "The Dragonlady is only the most ferocious, hideous, nightmarish creature in all of the place these ladies call homeit is Sam's mother."

"Sam's mother is a monster?" Elrond asked, quite confused. He didn't think Sam looked like she could be the spawn of some terrifying monstrosity. Elrond thought she was kind of cutefor a human.

"I spent hours locked in a small enclosed space with that horrible beastbelieve me, she is truly evil," Haldir said, clutching Sam tighter. "Where it not for quick thinking on my part, I doubt that I would have escaped alive."

"What are we to do? How do we fight this Dragonlady? Shall I summon the Council?" Elrond asked, looking from Sam to Haldir, to Misha and the rest.

"She'll be hungrybut not for food," Haldir said. "I left her rather, umunsatisfied."

"I don't understand, Haldirwhat are you talking about?" Elrond suddenly gasped, putting a hand over his mouth. "Surely you don't mean asacrifice?"

"Unfortunately, I dofor I am sure whoever we finally choose will not surviveshe'll eat him alive."

'Him? Aren't sacrifices usually maidens?" Elrond asked, once again confused.

"The Dragonlady is not interested in maidensshe only wants Elves," Haldir answered, causing Legolas, Elladan, and Elrohir to shudder.

"I'll gobut I know not the way," Legolas said quietly, a farseeing look in his eye.

"What do you mean, 'you know not the way?'" Elrond asked, raising his eyebrow nearly to his hairline. "You know every inch of this area!"

"I think he was being dramatic, Ada" Elrohir explained, rolling his eyes at his father.

"You are NOT going. She'll chew you up and spit you out!" Misha cried, poking Legolas in the chest.

"We'll go," Elladan offered, receiving a swift jab in the ribs from Elrohir. "We're a matched setsurely she won't be able to take both of us!"

"You're no match for The Dragonlady," Haldir said, shaking his head. "I'll goI have the most experience with her."

"No you are not going! She almost had you once - you'll never be able to trick her twice!" Sam said, grasping the front of Haldir's tunic and shaking him fiercely.

"Don't even think about it," Jessie said to Frodo, bending down and getting right in his face. "The Dragonlady doesn't have any interest in Hobbits, and I plan on keeping it that way!"

Frodo cowered a little in the face of Jessie's outburst. "Yes, dear," he squeaked.

"Wait!" Misha shouted. "I think I may have an idea!"

Everyone crowded around Misha, while throwing nervous glances at the lightning in the distance.

"Haldir is rightThe Dragonlady is going to be looking for some, ernot to mention some revenge. But what is the one thing that The Dragonlady values over everything else?"

"Gold?" asked Elrond, hopefully.

"Jewels?" asked Legolas.

"Ale?" asked Pippin.

"No!" Sam yelled, sudden understanding dawning in her expression. "Power!"

"Right! She wanted power over you, Sam, by setting you up on all those datesshe wanted power over all of us by blackmailing us to get her a date with Haldirshe wanted power over Haldir by taking him to bed"

Elrond looked askance at Haldir at that last part. Haldir simply shrugged his shoulders in response.

Misha continued, "So the one thing that could take her mind off of destroying everything decent and good, would be the possibility of power. Who do we know that has more power than he knows what to do with? Who do we know that we wouldn't mind sic-ing The Dragonlady on?" she asked. Looking at all the blank faces around her, she continued, 'Sauron! We'll set her up with Sauron! He wouldn't be able to survive an hour with The Dragonlady. I guarantee that he'll disappear for once and all, and you'll never have to worry about him again. And after he's gone, The Dragonlady will be stuck in Mordor with all the Uruk hai she can handle."

"I feel sorry for Sauron and the Uruk Hai!" Haldir laughed, nodding his head in agreement.

"Okaywe've got some work to dowe need to send a runner to Sauron - let's hope all these years of being buried in Mordor has left him not being too picky about partners - and we need to send a party to intercept The Dragonlady. Any volunteers?" Misha asked, looking around. "Don't every one raise his or her hand at once, now" she said sarcastically as everyone suddenly found somewhere else to look but at her.

"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned here to answer the threat of The Dragonlady. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each race is bound to this fate--this one doom," Elrond said, standing tall, and seeking eye contact with each person.

"_Now_ who's being dramatic," Legolas said to Elrohir, rolling his eyes and hooking his thumb at Elrond.

"We need to move fastthat storm is coming closer, and that means so is the Dragonlady!" Sam said, casting a glance over her shoulder.

****

A/N: _Whewthat was a tough one, SGsorry, it was the best giggling horror I could come up with! Take it away, whoever's writing next!_


	24. Running Interception

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Disclaimer: We don't own LOTR, or any of its characters. **Legolas:** Haldir is still with SG? **TICS:** Yep. And he is NOT being a good boy. **Legolas:** Uh oh. What did he do? **TICS:** It's more like what he won't dohe wouldn't help SG write this chapter, so I have to do it. **Legolas:** What's she going to do to him? **TICS:** I'm not sure, but I think it involves thigh high leather boots, a dog collar, and a whip. **Legolas:** No! That won't help! Tell her he _enjoys_ that

****

A/N: Tongue in Cheek Scribe hereHaldir-the-muse is not cooperating with SG, and Nienna's computer is down, so I'm writing this chapter

****

Chapter 24

Running Interception

"Since the Dragonlady is my mother, I should be part of the team that goes to intercept herI'm the best shot you have of getting her to cooperate," Sam offered, still looking rather pale.

"No. Absolutely not - she _always_ gets you to do _exactly_ what she wants you to do! I will go to intercept your mother," Misha said forcefully.

"I agree with Misha," Haldir put in, his hands on Sam's shoulders. "Of all of us, Misha has the strongest willshe threw Legolas out of her bedroom _twice_!"

Legolas frowned, and turned pink before agreeing with Haldir. "I will go with you, Misha. The Dragonlady likes Elvesyou should have at least one with you."

"We'll go too," Elrohir and Elladan offered in one voice. "Three Elves are better than one."

"NO!" Sam, Haldir, Misha, and Legolas shouted together. "You're the ones that offered to let Haldir sleep with her in the first place!"

"You two will go with Sam and Haldir to Mordor to make arrangements with Sauron," Misha said, leaving no room for argument from the twins.

'What are we supposed to do while you're all off gallivanting around Arda?" Jessie pouted, a little put off that no one had included her in the plans.

"You, the Hobbits, Gimli, and Elrond have a very important task, Jessie," Misha said. "You have to get a room ready for the Dragonlady. It must be completely Dragonlady-proofed. No pointy objectsnothing she could break and make _into_ pointy objectsnothing she could use to fasten a noosemost importantly, it must be arranged so that she can be locked in - because she is NOT going to be happy when we get her here."

"How _are_ you going to get her here, Misha?" asked Elrond. "Surely this daemon is not one to be bargained with."

"I have no intention of bargaining with her, Lord Elrond," Misha answered, a cold look coming into her eyes that startled even Haldir.

"Then how will you get her to come with you?"

"That's the easy partI'm going to _lie_, of course," Misha answered, a small smile creeping on to her lips that was even more frightening than the cold look in her eyes.

"Elrond," Misha asked the Elven Lord, "You're a healer, right? I need you to come up with something that will knock the bejesus out of her for a couple of days."

"Knock the what out of who?" Elrond questioned, raising his eyebrows.

"I need you to come up with some herbal concoction that will render the Dragonlady unconscious."

"OhI suppose I can do thatliquid or powder?"

"Haldir used liquid the last timeshe won't fall for that again."

"Powder, then. How will you get her to inhale it?"

"Oh, _I'm_ not, Lord Elrond_you_ are," Misha smiled, whispering her plan in his pointy ear. Elrond blanched, but nodded his head.

The group immediately split up and the chosen parties went about making arrangements to leave Rivendell. Legolas and Misha would go to intercept the Dragonlady, while Sam, Haldir, Elladan, and Elrohir would go to Mordor to bargain with Sauron. The rest sat a table in Elrond's private study, thrashing out the details of the room needed to confine the Dragonlady.

Since Haldir, Sam, Elladan, and Elrohir had the furthest to go, they left immediately upon fine steeds supplied by Elrond.

Riding hard it would take them a couple of days to reach Mordor. Sam only hoped Misha could keep the Dragonlady confined for that length of time.

Misha looked at Legolas, who had dressed in his traveling clothes. She couldn't help giggling just a little bit. "They really did a good job in the moviesyou look just like Orlando Bloom in that get-up."

"I look _nothing_ like him, and I wish you would _not_ compare me to another male," Legolas replied, clearly affronted.

"Now would not be the time to let the green eyed monster out of the closet, LegolasI just meant that your outfit looks a helluva lot like the one he wore in the movies when the Fellowship left Rivendell."

"Oh. You do think I look better in it though, right?" Legolas asked, standing tall and straightening the hem of his jerkin.

"Fine. Yes, I think you look better in it. Are you satisfied, now?" Misha said, throwing her hands up in the air, exasperated. "Can we leave now?"

Misha and Legolas set out on foot, since they would not suffer a horse to carry the Dragonlady on the way back. Legolas led her down the well-worn path out of Rivendell, heading south toward the black clouds and mist that heralded the coming of the Dragonlady.

"I really want to know how she got here in the first place!" Misha said, slightly out of breath from trying to keep up with Legolas as he lightly ran down the path.

"Shhhwe draw close to the evil one" Legolas whispered, coming to a halt just within the treeline before an open meadow.

Looking into the meadow, Misha saw the unmistakable form of the Dragonlady walking steadily toward them. Summoning her courage, Misha stepped forward to meet her.

"What are _you_ doing here?" the Dragonlady screeched, seeing Misha and Legolas walk toward her.

"I was going to ask you the same thing," Misha answered, glowering at her best friend's mother.

"I have no _idea_ how I got hereor where _'here'_ is for that matter! I was trying to find Haldir - poor thing must be worried _sick_ about me - before the hurricane hit. I knew that pitiful excuse of a daughter of mine must have kidnapped him from my hotel roomwhy else would he have left before breakfast? When I didn't find them at the apartment, I _knew_ she must have been holding him at that godforsaken, tacky fleatrap she called a store. Just as I got to the store, there was a tornado bearing down on the building, and then everything went black. When I woke up, I was here!" The Dragonlady explained. "I demand to be taken back to my hotel! I'm injured!"

"Where are you hurt?" Misha asked, not seeing so much as a hair out of place on the Dragonlady's perfectly coifed head.

"Look!' The Dragonlady exclaimed. "I've chipped a nail!" she cried, waving her middle finger at Misha's face.

"Ordinarily, I would snap that off at the knuckle for you," Misha growled, "but it just so happens that the Lord of Rivendell has seen your approach and wishes to meet with you."

"A Lordhmmm, I don't knowHaldir is an Elf"

"Haldir is just a simple March Warden - no power at all. Elrond is Lord of Rivendelland an Elf."

"What about this one behind you - he's cute. Does he have any power?" The Dragonlady asked, eyeing Legolas up and down.

"No, he has no powerjust a simple serf - a flunky," Misha said quickly.

"Misha, I _am_ the Prin" Legolas began, but was unable to finish when Misha hit him hard in the ribs with her elbow.

"Just a nobody - what _else_ would he be doing with _me_?" Misha said to the Dragonlady.

"Truetrue. Well, take me to this Edgar. Where is your car?" The Dragonlady asked, looking around the meadow.

"His name is Elrond, and there are no cars here," Misha explained, rolling her eyes. "We need to walk, but it isn't too far."

"Walk! Oh, very well! Leave it to you to be without transportation!" The Dragonlady said derisively, effectively blaming Misha for Arda's lack of limousines.

Misha and Legolas led The Dragonlady back to Imladris, fervently hoping that the others had completed their tasks in time.

Leading the wicked one up the stairs into Elrond's House, they brought her directly into the Great Hall, where Elrond awaited her, looking quite regal in his formal robes and mithril crown.

"My dearwelcome to Rivendell," he said graciously, doing the eyebrow thing.

"What's wrong with your eyebrow? That look is most undignified for a Lord," The Dragonlady sniffed.

Elrond's eyebrows went even higher. "Please, MiladyI have watched you approach and would like to spend a few momentser, alone with you." Speaking to Misha and Legolas, he said, rather imperiously, "You two are dismissed." He waved his hand at the exit.

Walking out of the room, Misha said to Legolas, "I have to hand it to Elrondthat was _quite_ a performance. I wouldn't have thought he had such deceit in him!"

"Where do you think Elladan and Elrohir get it from?" Legolas laughed, as they went to inspect the Dragonlady-proofed room.

A short while later, they walked to Elrond's private study, where they found both Elrond and the Dragonlady unconscious on the floor.

Legolas looked alarmed at Elrond's still form, but Misha put a hand on his arm, and laughed. "It's all right, Legolaswe planned this. We knew that the easiest way to get the Dragonlady to snort the herbs would be for Elrond to snort it with herhe was to flatter her, make her think she was irresistible, and tell her that the powder was a powerful Elven aphrodisiac! Evidently, she fell for it. We'll need to carry her to the room that Jessie and the others prepared for her."

"You mean we have to touch her? Eww," Legolas shuddered. "I think we should wear gloves."

"No time. Sorry, palwe can cauterize our hands later," Misha smiled.

Soon enough, the Dragonlady was locked up in her room, completely free of pointy objects or noose-making materials, as the others waited for Elrond to wake up and for word from Mordor.


	25. The Torture Begins

**Disclaimer: Nienna:** OK I'm doing this chapter after all! **Legolas:** And no one cares! **Nienna:** Well I'll make them care by cursing them into oblivion! **Legolas:** O.O! meep!!! **Nienna: **OH YEAH! Before I forget... We don't own LoTr! DEAL WITH IT!!!

A/N: OK so I'm writing this chapter after all! If you can please check out my site! It's on my bio! I'm nienna-yavetil here in ! If anyone can give me pictures for the site please do!

* * *

**Chapter 25: **The Torture Begins

After a few hours of waiting outside and hearing running, moaning, grunting, thumps and other

random sounds Elrond finally comes out of the room clutching the powder bottle looking

exhausted, "How was it oh great healer?" Misha asked Elrond, he scowled, "Never let me in

with that blasted woman **ever again!**" he shouted at Misha and Legolas, they grinned then soon

Jessie and the hobbits came past the screaming Elrond, "shhh... You might wake her up..."

Pippin whispered, Elrond scowled once again, "So how was the Dragonlady thing?" Jessie

asked as she grinned at Pippin, "As you can see we succeeded but Elrond had the worst

experience of his life" Legolas smirked and Misha snickered the rest just laughed except of

course Elrond who stomped to his room, "I'm guessing he went through worse than Haldir..."

Frodo said

"So is this the way to Mordor?" Haldir asked Sam, "You know I'm not exactly the person you

should ask directions from!" Sam replied, "Could I be of assistance?" Elladan asked, "No!

What you did last time with the stick made me nauseas! The only reason why I didn't barf was

because of the room ad the dye hunting!" Sam said, Elladan scowled, "It's not my fault that the

stick was the fastest way to get home!" he shouts Sam just stomped off ahead, "I think I should

leave that fight between them..." Elrohir whispered to Haldir, "I agree..." Haldir replied

"Is there anything else we can do?" Sam the Old asked Misha, "Well, we can only wait for them

to tell us when Sauron's ready but since they aren't we better dose Dragonlady with more of the

sleeping powder thing..." Misha said and got more powder and blew it inside the Dragonlady's

room, "Are you sure this won't spread outside?" Jessie asked nervously, "Hey, the odds of that

are 10 to 50! The only way it could happen is if the bottle was left. Open.-"Misha said but

falling asleep soon after then Jessie, the hobbits and Legolas soon fall asleep too

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A/N: OK! IT WAS SHORT! But at least I posted!


	26. He Strikes Fear

A/N-SouthernGirl here again. Haldir is being much more cooperative. **Haldir**: Like I had a choice. **SG**: Its amazing what a two ton bus can do to stubbornness. **Haldir**: You forgot to mention the shackles. **SG**: They don't need to know everything.  
  
Disclaimer: My son Logan sends out a great big raspberry to all lawyers who even think about suing his mom.  
  
He Strikes Fear  
  
While Legolas and Misha were getting the Dragon Lady all settled in and Jessie and the others were doing whatever it was they were doing another group were having problems.  
  
"My legs hurt. My ass hurts. My arms hurt. My face hurts. Even my hair hurts. Can someone please tell me how my hair can hurt?"Sam complained for the billionth time.  
  
Dan and 'Ro just looked at one another and urged their horses ahead of her. Haldir clenched his jaw and glowered at Sam. "Why did you come along ?"  
  
"Misha told me to. I have my positive attributes you know."  
  
"Like what?" Haldir growled.  
  
Sam was now officially offended. How dare the elf even think that she couldn't do anything. "I can do back handsprings until I run out of room. I make a mean margarita. I can unwrap a starburst with only my tongue. I can kick some serious ass. And I'm cute. You have to have a cuteness factor when going up against powerful evil."  
  
"You can unwrap a starburst wrapper with only your tongue?" Elladan questioned, his mouth agape.  
  
Sam just growled. Haldir, on the other hand, was not very impressed. "Do you even know why we're together ?"  
  
"No. I was drunk at the time. I don't know why you even still pursue me. I'm not even interested."  
  
"Oh really ?"  
  
"Really."  
  
Sam stuck her nose up in the air and continued to ride her horse clumsily across the rocky terrain. She failed to notice the large black gates that were coming into view. Elrohir was the one to point it out to everyone by saying ",We're here. Can we go home now?"  
  
"No," Haldir snapped. He pushed his horse into a full out sprint which forced the others to do the same. Sam was busy concentrating on staying on the huge beast. Upon further inspection of the gates they noticed something was not quite right. There was a single cave troll atop the gate, swinging his hammer into the barrier, while blubbering about what sounded like a lollipop. There were a few orcs along the perimeter, also, but they looked like they were having an afternoon nap. The doors of the gate were wide open. "I think we're invited in."  
  
They rode through the fortress of their enemy and continued on to the tower that he was holed up in still licking his wounds. Once at the tower they noticed that it was even more desolate in that one area. Soon they figured out why. As they hopped, or in Sam's case fell, off of their horses the very ground they stood on began to shake. A shaky, weak voice could be heard in the distance.  
  
"Who dares disturb Sauron? Speak trespassers."  
  
"I come to make a proposition," Sam yelled before Haldir could even open his mouth. "A mate. A woman of strong blood with power. Power the likes you have never seen before. All you need do is come with us and we will give her to you."  
  
The voice laughed. The group saw an eye peek out of one of the tower windows. It was a miniature version of Sauron's eye. They all wanted to laugh but managed not to do it for the sake of their plan.  
  
"A woman ? For me ? Why should I trust you ? How do I know that this is not a trap ?"  
  
"The woman is my mother. Believe me I want to get rid of her. She is a thorn in my side and needs a good man to keep her in line. I think you are that man...er, eye to do just that. All you would have to do is come to Imladris with us to meet her."  
  
"To the home of Elrond?" the eye scoffed. "I think not."  
  
"We can meet somewhere else then. Perhaps on the borders of Elrond's lands. There will be no guards. Only the woman. I give you my word," Haldir called up to the tiny eye.  
  
Nothing followed Haldir's statement. A moment later the doors to the tower flew open and out walked a much thinner and less imposing Sauron wearing his battle armor. It was slightly rusty around the edges and his crown had one or two spikes snapped off of it. He didn't look very regal at all. He didn't even look remotely powerful.  
  
"No way the Dragon Lady is going to buy this with him looking like that. He needs a makeover. A big makeover."  
  
Elladan looked down at Sam as she bit her lower lip in deep thought. "What do you have in mind, Sam ?"  
  
"I think I know the duo that could pull off something as large as this." She looked up at Sauron and yelled ",Get your horse. We leave now. No sense in wasting time. Come on. Chop, chop. Not literally though."  
  
Within a matter of moments they were on their way to leaving Mordor. But there was no telling what was going to happen when they actually got back to Rivendell.  
  
A/N 2- Sorry about the length but I've got to go to work early tomorrow and I wanted to get this out before what is left of my week became chaotic. Which will be anytime soon. Gah, I hate working retail during the holidays ! And on a special note. Those who are interested in joining in on writing this with us need only e-mail TICS or myself. My mail address is bakercook11ataoldotcom. You guys should know by now that won't let you do the at symbol or put dots in e-mail addresses. TICS e-mail is on our bio page. We welcome any writers who would like to join. 


	27. Extreme Makeovers

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Disclaimer: We do not own LOTR, or any of its characters. **TICS:** Haldir, I'm glad you decided to cooperate with SG and help her with the last chapterHaldir - did you get your ear pierced? **Haldir:** It was SG's idea **TICS:** What else did she make you do? **Haldir:** Wellit's called a Prince Albert. **Elladan:** You _did_ that? Really? Did it hurt? Let me see **TICS:** Yeah, let us see it **Haldir:** NO! You cannot see it. No one will EVER see it. **TICS:** Wanna bet? I feel a pants-dropping chapter coming up

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A/N: Tongue in Cheek Scribe againHurricane Jean hit us yesterday, but, miracle of miracles, my power came back on today! It's still blowing really hard outside, and I don't know if the power will last, so I'm going to try to hurry through this chapter to get it up - no guarantees on how long or good it'll be

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Chapter 27

Extreme Makeovers

Elladan and Elrohir rode ahead to fetch Misha and Legolas from The Last Homely House. Finding everyone scattered about the hall outside the Dragonlady's room sound asleep, they took the course of action that they thought most reasonable - they dumped pitchers of ice cold water on Misha and Legolas' faces.

Misha and Legolas came up gasping and sputtering, water dripping from their noses and chins.

"Haldir and Sam need you to go the borders of Imladris immediatelySam said you need to give Sauron a makeover," Elladan gasped, trying to get enough air to speak. That was proving difficult, since Legolas' fingers were wrapped around his throat.

"He's in a really sorry state," Elrohir added in a high falsetto, since Misha had chosen an area other than his throat to squeeze on Elrohir.

"When this is all over, remind me to put an arrow through the both of them," Legolas said to Misha, releasing Elladan. Misha released Elrohir, but not before giving him just a little extra twist.

"Let this be a lesson learned," she said as Elrohir bent over in slow motion, gripping his offended member, "do not EVER pour cold water on me when I'm sleeping. It tends to make me very grouchy."

"You two stay here and make sure the Dragonlady does not get out. Tell the others what has happened when they awake," Legolas instructed Elrohir and Elladan.

Legolas and Misha left the twins sitting in the hall. Stopping in Elrond's healing room, they quickly picked up several different articles that they thought they would need. Saddling a horse, they rode double out to the edge of the borders of Imladris to meet up with the Mordor Party.

"I could have ridden my own horse, you know," Misha said to Legolas who sat behind her, and kept a firm grip on her waist as they rode. "I happen to be a good rider."

"Nopethis is more fun. You can't throw me out of my horse."

"That better not be what I _think_ it is behind me"

"Can't help itif you hadn't kept throwing me out the bedroom, this wouldn't be happening."

"Don't blame this on _me_, you pointy eared pervert!"

"Come on, admit itthe ears turn you on."

"When I get off of this horse, I'm going to give you a taste of what Elrohir just got!"

"Promise?"

Misha fell silent, seeing that she wouldn't win this particular argument. This was a side of Legolas she hadn't seen before and it frightened her because she kind of liked it.

They saw the Mordor Party waiting for them, sitting around a small campfire near a stream at the edge of Elrond's territory.

"Eww. Sam was certainly right about Sauron needing a makeoverhe looks like Pee Wee Herman," Misha commented as Legolas lifted her down from the horse.

"Didn't you promise me something earlier?" Legolas whispered to Misha with a saucy smile.

"Don't you even _go_ there. I didn't promise - I _threatened_there's a definite difference."

"I'm going to hold you to that threat later" he said, winking at her.

"What's gotten into you today? You weren't this forward at the apartment!"

"You're in _my_ territory nowand here, _I_ have the power. I'm a Prince, remember?" Legolas laughed, closing Misha's open mouth with one finger. He turned and started walking to the other group, leaving Misha opening and closing her mouth like a fish, trying to come up with a comeback and failing miserably.

"Sauron," Sam said, trying to be nice, since they really needed his cooperation to get rid of the Dragonlady, "this is Misha, and I believe you probably already know Legolas."

"Prince of MirkwoodI thought perhaps you'd died at Minas Tirithpity," Sauron wheezed, his helmet tilting off a bit to the side.

"Sauron_Auta miqula orqu_!" Legolas spat, causing Haldir to spit out the water he had just been swallowing, and Sauron to sputter.

"What did you say? We have to be nice to him if we want him to cooperate!" Sam whispered to Legolas, violently pulling on his sleeve.

"He told me to 'go kiss an orc,'" Sauron growled. Sam, evidently, hadn't yet learned the finer points of whispering - for example, that it should be done quietly.

"He's sorry. He's very sorry, Sauronhe often says things that he doesn't mean," Sam said, trying to placate the ex-evil overlord.

"I am not sor" Legolas began, but Misha covered his mouth and whispered something in his ear, which made him smile and shut his trap.

"Let's get this makeover over with, so we can deliver the Sauron's new girlfriend and get back to The Last Homely House," Legolas said eagerly, eyeing Misha, who blushed furiously, but said nothing.

"Misha, what did you tell Legolas?" Sam asked, frowning at the interchange between the two.

"Never mind what she told him - let's just get this over with!" Haldir finally spoke up, irritated at the delay.

Misha and Legolas unpacked the items that they had brought with them from Rivendell. Bottles, brushes, and powders soon littered the ground around the campfire.

Legolas knelt behind Sauron and removed his helmet, tossing it to Haldir. "See if you can bang this back into shape, Haldir," he ordered, grimacing at the oily, tangled mass of hair the helmet had covered.

Misha took hold of one of Sauron's hands and removed the worm eaten glove that covered it. She stared at the dirty inch-long, thick, twisted fingernails that grew from his fingertips. This was going to take longer than she thought, wincing at the body odor arising from his person.

"First things firstSauron, please don't take this the wrong way, but you stink. Your B.O. could drop an Oliphaunt. Get yourself undressed and in that stream before we all pass out," Misha instructed, holding her nose.

"Is there another way to take that? Really - what do you expect from me? I have been locked away in Mordor since the War, you know."

Sauron got up and began shedding articles of clothing as he walked to the stream. Everyone else gagged, and covered their eyes until he was fully submerged.

Haldir and Legolas went to work on banging out and polishing his armor, until it looked fairy new. Sam and Misha worked on putting together different combinations of herbs and emollients to come up with a beauty regimen that might just make him palatable to the Dragonlady. They tossed Sauron a few things to use while he was in the stream, and sternly told him to warn them before he got out. The backside of him had been bad enough - they had no wish to have the memory of the front side of him burned into their retinas.

After Sauron had finished his bath, he sat wrapped in a horse blanket in front of the campfire, while Legolas fussed with his hair, combing and braiding it, and Misha sawed off those fingernails with a small hatchet. She had played 'rock, scissors, paper' with Sam to see who would have to work on his toenails - Sam had lost, and was busily sawing at the loathsome growths with Legolas' white handled short knife.

"My Ada gave me that knife," Legolas said sadly, "Now I'll have to burn it."

After several hours, the group stood back to survey the finished product. Sauron practically glowedhe actually looked pretty good. His pitch-black hair gleamed in its intricate weaving of braids, his nails were short, clean, and polished, and his armor had very few dents.

"I think he'll do," Sam said, eyeing him up and down. "He seems just like the kind of guy Dragonlady would drool over."

"We're going to get hernow remember, when you meet her, you must be forcefula real man's man, okay?" Misha reminded Sauron, packing away the supplies.

"I am not a man," Sauron told her haughtily.

"Don't nitpick. You know what I mean," she replied, mounting the horse. Legolas did that really cool 'swing around the front of the horse and fling himself up on the saddle thing' and immediately gripped Misha around the waist.

"Show off," Sauron muttered, frowning at the Elf, as the horse galloped back in the direction of Rivendell.

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A/N: Okay, whoever's writing nextshe's all yours!


	28. Speed Dating

A/N: SouthernGirl here again. **Haldir** (sarcastically): Yea ! Lets all give the lazy authoress a standing ovation for actually trying to write for once. **SG**: Is that really necessary ? **Haldir**: After what you've put me through ? Yes. **SG**: TICS told me you were showing off your new piercing. **Haldir**: I was not. I just casually mentioned it. **SG**: That's not what 'Dan and 'Ro said. Anyways, I'm writing this at 7 a.m. so please excuse any typos or confusion. Thank you. We'll also be having some guest authors dropping by to add some chapters so be nice.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't see the point in these. My last name's not Tolkien. I'm not related to the god nor have I ever been. So therefore I don't own it.  
  
Speed Dating  
  
Sam was busy frowning at everyone since she wasn't too happy about the fact that she had to give Sauron a pedicure. To make it even worse Elladan and Elrohir couldn't stop giggling about the whole matter. Haldir remained indifferent so Sam shot him dirty looks anyway since he wasn't too high on her list at the moment. Sauron wasn't paying attention to anyone. He was sitting on a log, keeping to himself while quietly singing ",I'm so pretty, oh so pretty."  
  
Just when Sam was about to wring Sauron's skinny neck she heard a noise that caused her spine to go straight.  
  
"Samantha Agatha Masters stand up straight. You look like a mess. Honestly, it looks like you just rolled around in a dumpster. Brush your hair and take a bath. Change out of those filthy clothes. And go find a man. Preferably a rich one."  
  
It was the Dragon Lady. Looking every inch of angry as she sounded. 'Dan and 'Ro began to snicker even harder (though they tried miserably to hide it). 'Dan leaned over close to Sam's ear and whispered the one thing that would get the living crap kicked out of him by Sam.  
  
"You're middle name is Agatha ?"  
  
Sam elbowed him so hard in the stomach that he fell back wards off of the log. Having no time to run and hide she did the only thing she could. Sam stood up straight, ran her fingers through her hair and tried to smooth out her dress. Her mother still didn't look pleased. Until she laid eyes on Haldir.  
  
"Haldir, my love, I just knew that Samantha kidnapped you away from me. After all you wouldn't just leave me in that room all by myself. Come, lets go away from here and spend the rest of our lives in a bed."  
  
Haldir shuddered and his stomach heaved. To hide the fact that his stomach was revolting he pushed Sauron forward. Misha took it from there. "Erm, Sam's mom, this is the guy we were telling you about. His name is Sauron. He is a very powerful king over his own lands."  
  
"Salmon ? You don't look very powerful." The Dragon Lady immediately stuck her nose up in the air.  
  
Sauron felt as if he had just been insulted and he actually had. He rose to his full height, held his head high, and bellowed ",You, woman, are coming with me."  
  
And with that Sauron managed to toss the Dragon lady over his shoulder without showing how much effort it took and left in the direction of his home. The Dragon Lady screaming the entire time. The remaining group just looked at one another with dumbfounded expressions on their faces.  
  
"That went better than I thought it would," Misha sighed, wiping imaginary sweat from her forehead.  
  
"Gummi Bears," Sam exclaimed, while sitting ungracefully on the ground.  
  
"What?" Misha asked. The look on her face was one of thinking her friend had finally lost it.  
  
"I miss gummi bears. And soda."  
  
A package of gummi bears landed on Sam's head while a soda can nearly missed her face. Everyone looked up to the sky except for Sam who was too busy trying to get the impossible bag open.  
  
Jessie flopped down next to Sam and tried to steal a few gummi bears but quickly pulled her hand back when Sam growled at her. "I miss pixie sticks and Yoohoo."  
  
Miraculously another bag of pixie sticks landed in front of Jessie while a Yoohoo bottle gently rolled up to her. Misha, suddenly having cravings of her own, crashed down onto the forest floor and yelled ",I miss steak and lobster dinners and wine."  
  
A wine bottle appeared in front of her with a pop. No steak and lobster dinner was to be seen. At this Misha pouted before opening the bottle. The elves were now realizing all of the things they were missing and quickly joined the girls on the dirt and leaves.  
  
"I miss lembas," Legolas called.  
  
"I miss my brothers," Haldir yelled.  
  
"We miss playing pranks on Arwen," 'Dan and 'Ro screamed.  
  
"I miss jewels," Gimli said up to the sky.  
  
"We miss second breakfast," Pippin started.  
  
"And elevensies," Merry continued.  
  
"And afternoon tea," Sam took up the pace.  
  
"And supper, dinner, and snack time," Frodo finished.  
  
But then all of the hobbits looked at one another at as one bellowed ",And we miss ALE !"  
  
At the Last Homely House Elrond awoke to the strange sounds coming from the forest that surrounded Rivendell.  
  
A/N 2- I wonder who is giving the group whatever they want ? Well, whoever it is, its your turn. Its not very funny but I'm tired right now. And I have to go do the parenting thing. 


	29. The Sky's The Limit

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Disclaimer: We don't own LOTR, any of its characters, Dairy Queen, Muppets, Barnes and Noble, Starbucks, Coca Cola, Pepsi Cola, General Mills, or any underwear belonging to Orlando Bloom. **Orli:** For the love of God, woman - stop writing about my underwear. No one is interested in my underwear! **Legolas:** You think they care? They don't care. They do it just to irritate us. Besides, if they're writing about your underwear, they'll leave me alone for a while. **Orli:** Get a haircut, Elfboy.

A/N: I thought we would have a new chapter by a guest author by now, but I haven't heard back yetso I'm writing this one. I get hives if we don't update on a regular basis.

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Chapter 29

The Sky's the Limit

Elrond, no longer able to contain his curiosity over what might be happening out in the fields at the borders of Imaldris, rode out of the Last Homely House in search of the party of Elves, Humans, Dwarf, and Hobbits.

Reining his horse to a stop at the edge of the field he rubbed his eyes, not quite believing what he was seeing.

The entire group was sitting in the field, eating, drinking, and generally making merry. There was, however, something extremely odd going on. He cantered up to the group, dismounting and approaching the first person he saw, Gimli.

Gimli was holding his hand up before his eyes, as if he were admiring something of great beauty. Elrond, raising an eyebrow, asked, "Gimliwhat are you doing?"

"Admiring something of great beauty."

"Umwhat would that be?"

"This beautiful emerald! Look, 'tis the size of a bird's egg!" Gimli replied, holding his empty hand out toward Elrond.

"Uh, huh," Elrond said, backing away from Gimli. He next went to Sam and Jessie, who were shoving fistfuls of nothing into their mouths.

"What are you two doing?" he asked, standing before them with his arms folded across his chest.

"Eating. I have a real addiction to gummi bears!" Sam replied, popping another invisible treat into her mouth.

Elrond turned to Haldir, who was, evidently, having a conversation with the Invisible Man.

"Haldir, who are you speaking with?" Elrond asked, growing more and more ill at ease with entire situation.

"What are you talking about, Elrond? You know my brothers, Orophin and Rumilsay 'hello' and don't be rude."

"Umhello, wardens" Elrond stammered to the empty air, running his fingers through his hair. He began to pace, trying to figure out exactly what had taken place that day.

Misha staggered up to Elrond, her fist wrapped around the neck of a completely invisible bottle.

"_Hic_. Elronnyhave I ever told you, _hic_, how cute you are?" she slurred, laying her head on his shoulder. She reached up and twirled one of his braids in her fingers. "Kiss me!" she said, pushing her puckered lips toward his.

Elrond took her by the shoulders, holding her at arm's length. Legolas trotted over, brushing imaginary crumbs of lembas from his jerkin. "Elrond, I'll thank you not to try to take advantage of Misha in her current condition!" He warned, wrapping his arm around Misha's waist and leading her away.

"What condition? You can't get drunk from a bottle of nothing!" Elrond called out after him. He watched as Misha stumbled, and Legolas swept her up in his arms, carrying her to the far side of the field. Shaking his head, Elrond turned his attention to the Hobbits.

The Hobbits were lying about on the field, having a belching contest. "Hand me another pint," Merry said to Pippin, who tapped an invisible keg next to him, and handed Merry an invisible glass. Downing the nonexistent brew, Merry, banging on his chest, let out a long, bleating burp.

"Good one, Merry!" Frodo laughed, releasing his own gas-powered belch. Pippin, Sam (the old) and Merry laughed, rolling about in the grass.

Elrond watched as his sons chased after someone who didn't exist. Grabbing Elrohir's arm, he asked, "What in the name of Arda are you doing?"

"Don't worry, Ada, we won't really set her hair on firewe're just teasing"

"Set whose hair on fire?"

"Arwen'slet go, Ada, she's getting away!" Elrohir laughed, pulling his arm free and taking off after his invisible sister.

"For the love of Eruwill somebody tell me what's going on!" Elrond cried to the sky, standing in the middle of the field.

A cloud shaped like a man's head formed in the sky above him. "Calm down, Elrond," the cloud thundered. "Your screeching is giving me a headache."

"Manwewhat is wrong with them? They are all seeing things that are not there!"

"They worked so hard at getting Sauron ready for the Dragonlady, that I felt pity for them and decided to let them have a little funthat's what happened."

"Butthey are seeing things! Why didn't you just give them what they asked for, instead of making them think they saw what they asked for?"

"That wouldn't have been nearly as funny," Manwe chuckled. "We've all been having a good laugh up hereoh, waitCelebrian says this is her gift to youshe also says to stay away from the girl with the purple hair."

A magazine floated down to land at Elrond's feet. Picking it up, he looked at the front cover, reading, "PlayElf - Elleths of Arda Issue."

Flipping to the centerfold, he opened the trifold to reveal Celebrian staring at him in a very provocative pose. "My turn-ons include walking on the beach, sunsets, and Elves with funky eyebrows," he read. Looking up at the sky, he saw Cloud Manwe chuckling, as he dissipated.

Sighing, Elrond wondered how long the invisible party would go on. He saw Legolas leading a very inebriated Misha into a nearby stand of trees, and decided that it would be at least another twenty minutes, or sounless Legolas was quick on the draw.

Shaking his head, resigned, he sat down in grass, the magazine on his lap, and began to, erread the articles.


	30. Beautiful, Sensual, Charming, WellEndowe

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Disclaimer: We do not own anything, anyone, or anywhere associated with LOTR. **Legolas:** What the _hell_ was that? **TICS:** What? **Legolas**: That entire chapter waswords fail me. **TICS:** Really? Brain fart or Blonde Moment? **Legolas:** What I _meant_ was that I don't have the words to describe that last chapter. You really took the easy way out on it, you know. **TICS:** You think it's so easy? I'd like to see _you_ try to write a chapter. **Legolas:** Don't mind if I do

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A/N: Thank you most kindly for your reviews, although I have doubt that the authors truly deserved them. You have been much too generous in your praise of their meager talents. I have graciously accepted TICS' offer to write this next chapter, and suspect that it may very well be the most brilliant set of words ever put to paper. - _Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood_

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Chapter 30

Beautiful, Sensual, Charming, Well-Endowed, and He Can Write, Too

It was with a heavy heart that Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, the handsome, well-muscled, talented, handsome, tall, broad shouldered, handsome Elf led the trembling, weak-kneed Misha from the glade of trees.

Never would Misha be the same after suffering the Prince of Love's attentions. So kind was his heart that he felt pity for the poor wretch, as he had most likely ruined her for all others for all time.

"Hail, Legolas, Most Well-Endowed Personage in all of Arda!" shouted his compadres as the Prince gently set Misha down next to her irritating friends. "We stand in awe of your sexual prowess!"

"Nay, friends, do not go on thus!" Legolas demurred, as humble as always. "Twould not behoove us to banter in such a manner in front of those of the gentler sex." Gallantly gesturing toward the trembling forms of the overwhelmed women, he bestowed upon them his most angelic smile. The women swooned, one falling atop of the other in a heap at his feet.

Elrond, sire of the Peredhil twins, came seeking Legolas' advice, as he so often did when confronted with a dilemma. "Legolas," said Elrond, genuflecting before the fair god-like creature before him, "Pray tell me what our next course of action should be. I am confused and bewildered and in need of your sage guidance. Should we stay here, in this field, romping? Or should we return to Rivendell, as pitiful a shadow of the Great Hall of Mirkwood as it is?"

Putting a kindly hand on the elderly Half Elven's shoulder the lovely Prince smiled his most endearing smile, putting the elderly Elf at ease. "We must return to The Last Homely House, Elrond, for although these past hours have been a most pleasant diversion, we must see to it that the females are safe and protected within its walls before night falls."

"Of course, Sweet One - your wisdom both comforts and astounds me. We shall depart at once for the dubious comforts of my home," Elrond replied gratefully, bowing deeply before His Highness, the Lord of the Wood.

The Hobbits came running, throwing themselves to the ground, lying prostrate before Legolas their pale guardian. "We shall forever be in your debt, Great One, for your example has taught us courage, fortitude, and benevolence!"

"Rise, Small Ones! Fear not, for I will protect you as well as these vulnerable females," Legolas smiled, patting the diminutive Hobbits on their heads.

Haldir approached His Lordship diffidently, carrying Sam the Tall slung over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. "We are ready to leave at your order, Wise One," he said, touching his hand to his heart.

"Haldir! It would be kindlier to treat the female with more consideration, although I am aware that she does not deserve such treatment at your hands, my friend. Carry her not thus, but instead, cradled in your arms."

'My Lord, once again your words are light to my darkness," Haldir replied respectfully, heeding Legolas' advice as always, shifting his feminine bundle to the proper female-carrying position.

Frodo, being the small, physically inferior creature that he was, could not lift Jessie into his arms. Merry, advised by Legolas, helped him. Each Hobbit took hold of an opposite end, and together they carried Jessie toward Rivendell.

Scooping Misha up into his strong, capable arms, Legolas led the way back to Imaldris, his keen Elven eyes constantly scouting the surrounding area for any sign of danger.

Seeing movement in the trees ahead, he silently called a halt to the procession. Gently setting Misha down on the ground, the Golden Prince swiftly notched an arrow into his bow.

A tremendous warg, frothing at the tusks, burst from the underbrush, roaring and pawing the ground. Eyeing his intended prey, the horrible creature stampeded toward the party of travelers, who cowered behind the tall, strong form of their Prince and Protector.

With a speed that could not be followed by the eye, Legolas fired a dozen arrows into the beast, felling it in its tracks. Taking Misha once again in his well-muscled arms, he led the party past the dead warg, and onward to Rivendell, amidst the praise for his famous archery skills, and heartfelt thanks for single-handedly saving them, from his awestruck friends.

Misha stirred in Legolas' arms, her eyes fluttering open to behold his incredibly handsome face. "Oh, Legolas!" she murmured, her eyes fixated on his soft, full lips. "Oh, how I long for your lips to meet mine once again!"

"Nay, womanI fear I cannot. Should I have my way with you again, I may most likely kill you in the process, for my gigantic shaft nearly ripped you in two the last time!" Legolas replied truthfully. A sigh of tremendous regret slipped from Misha's lips, still bruised from the last kiss bestowed upon her by His Highness.

Sam the Tall stirred awake in Haldir's arms. Her eyes focussed only on the back of the tall, exquisite Elf who walked in front of them, carrying her friend, Misha. Jealously, she whined, "I want to be carried by the most beatific Elf in Arda! Why does Misha get to be enveloped in those strong, capable arms instead of me?"

Haldir of Lorien blushed with shame, for he knew he could not possibly compete with the Prince of Mirkwood's beauty and attributes. Even Haldir's hair, he knew, was but a pale imitation of Legolas' gleaming, golden locks.

Legolas led them boldly through the forest, up the mountain road into Rivendell, pausing only when they had reached Elrond's House.

The Peredhil twins, seeking his favor, bowed and scraped and offered to fetch him lembas and wine.

"Aye, young ones, I would be most grateful for a cup with which to quench my thirst," The golden haired Elf replied, favoring them with a pat on their dark heads.

"Legolas," Gimli the Dwarf began, standing before the Prince with his helmet in his hand, "Will you require a foot rub this day? You have walked far, battled a beast, and carried the tart all this way without complaint!"

"Aye, friend Dwarf, I would be most grateful for your ministrations."

Gimli the Dwarf's lumpy face beamed with pleasure at the opportunity to serve his Lord. He dropped to his knobby knees, reverently removing Legolas' boot, and began to massage it with sweet oils.

Immediately, the three females and two of the Hobbits began to fight and push at the Dwarf, jealous over his favor with the Prince. Legolas stayed them with one stern look, and they blushed with shame for having made him crease his lovely brow in displeasure.

"Legolas, what should Sam the Tall, Jessie, and I do now that the Dragonlady has been disposed of, according to your clever plan?" Misha asked, her eyes downcast and blushing.

"Hey! It wasn't Legolas' plan to get rid of the Dragonlady! It was" Jessie began, but was knocked flat by Sam the Tall's fist.

"How dare you insinuate that it was not Legolas' plan! Of course it was The Prince's plan! He is the only one among us brilliant enough to have conceived of such a plan!" Sam the Tall growled at Jessie.

"Sam! Resort not to violenceit is unbecoming of a Lady. I am not insulted, nor is my pride assaulted. I am stronger than that and secure in my own brilliance," Legolas admonished, staying Sam's hand from further abusing the cowering Jessie.

They all froze, hearing a roaring sound coming from without Elrond's House. Walking onto the balcony, Legolas was greeted by the sight of every Elf in Rivendell gathered before the House, chanting his name.

"LEGOLAS! LEGOLAS! LEGOLAS!"

Standing on the balcony, Legolas waved his hand in greeting, bestowing his blindingly white smile at the crowd. Several elleths dropped to the ground in a faint at the sight of their magnificent hero.

Suddenly, from the West, an eerie caterwauling reached his sensitive, delicate Elven ears.

"Silence! Our enemy approaches!"


	31. Power Hungry Egos

A/N- SG here and after that last chapter I definitely have to write this one. **Legolas**: The last chapter was excellent was it not ? **SG**: No, you need to work on it. And while you're at it you need to deflate that ego of yours. **Legolas**: I only wrote what the public demanded. **SG**: I did not hear the readers of this story calling for a chapter written by a pompous, egotistical, pink tutu wearing princeling. **Legolas**: You better watch what you call me. I just might convince TICS to let me write another chapter. **Elladan**, **Elrohir** and **Haldir**: Over our dead bodies. **Legolas**: That can be arranged.  
  
Disclaimer- Once again I tell everyone we don't own this. We only own the voices in our heads and sometimes we wish we didn't even have those.  
  
Power Hungry Egos  
  
Sam (the tall), Misha, and Jessie looked out over the horizon where a large dust cloud was making its way toward Rivendale. The three looked at each other. Sam (the tall) arched an eyebrow at her friends ",I'm starting to have my doubts about getting the dragon-lady and Sauron together."  
  
"Really," Misha replied back with just as much sarcasm. "So, how are we going to handle this one?"  
  
"Run," Jessie suggested helpfully. "I hear Minas Tirith is beautiful this time of the year and well protected."  
  
Elrond took this into consideration for a brief moment. "They would only follow us there if we could even manage to outrun them."  
  
"And like I said its well protected."  
  
"We do not have the time to prepare for escape. We will defend Imladris." Elrond looked out over the elves that had gathered below them ",Prepare for battle. Everyone take up arms. We will not let Sauron and his pitiful excuse for an army defeat us."  
  
Elves, four hobbits and a dwarf began to prepare for battle. Soon Misha, Jessie and Sam (the tall) found themselves very alone which was not a good thing. "I say we get some very sharp, pointy weapons and go have some fun. All in favor ?"  
  
All hands went up in the air and soon the girls were running looking for the armory. Once there all they could find were a few crooked arrows and dull knives. And as we all know crooked arrows don't fly right and dull knives don't cut.  
  
"What the hell are we going to do with these?,"Jessie pouted.  
  
Sam (the tall) eyed her dull knife closely. Then an idea pounced onto her brain. "Maybe we can get close enough and then just poke them to death with the knives. Tell me if it works."  
  
"Ouch ! Ouch ! OUCH," Misha yelled as Sam (the tall) poked her with the dull knife. "Stop it. Give me that."  
  
Sam (the tall) sprinted off as Misha chased after her. Jessie looked around the empty room before sighing, shrugging her shoulders and skipping off after them. When Jessie finally caught up to the pair Misha had tackled Sam to the ground and was trying to take the knife from her. "Give me the knife."  
  
"NO ! I will never give up this lovely gift that I stole from the armory of Rivendale."  
  
Misha and Jessie gave Sam (the tall) the look that said she needed some therapy. Sam just smiled as she handed the dull knife over to Misha ",You guys are no fun."  
  
Misha, with the offending knife in hand, stood up and helped Sam to her feet.  
  
"So, what do we have. Two dozen lousy arrows and three knives you couldn't slice cheese with. I'm open for suggestions on what we're going to do," Misha stated as the noises of the enemy grew louder.  
  
"I'm all for running away like the cowards we are," Jessie said, quite pleased with her suggestion.  
  
"We're not cowards," Misha yelled.  
  
"Yes, we are," Sam (the tall) and Jessie echoed while nodding their heads.  
  
"Let me rephrase myself then. I am open to suggestions that have nothing to do with running away, hiding, or being cowards."  
  
The three put their heads together to think of some way to get themselves out of this situation.  
  
A/N- Gah, that was like pulling teeth. Sorry about the chapter but I still have writer's block. And I've done the one thing I said I would never do. I've made my author's notes almost as long as this chapter. Grovels for forgiveness 


	32. Horsy Back Rides and Demands

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Disclaimer: We don't own it. We've never owned it. We don't even have a passing acquaintance with it. **Legolas: **AhemI believe I will write this next chapter. **TICS:** Step away from the keyboard, Legolas. **Legolas:** What? I did such a wonderful job the last time._ (Three sets of arrows are suddenly pointed at Legolas's face)_ **Haldir, Elladan, and Elrohir:** Step away from the keyboard, Legolas. **Legolas:** Everyone's a critic

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A/N: I hereby solemnly swear never to allow Legolas to touch a keyboard again, so help me Eru. Did you ever think anyone could squeeze so much ego into that pretty little head?

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Chapter 32

Horsy Back Rides and Demands

"Um...Mishacould you come here for a moment, please?" Legolas' head peeked around the corner of the hallway. He beckoned to Misha with one crooked finger.

Peeling herself up off the floor where she had been wrestling Sam the Tall for the dull knife, she followed Legolas back out on to the balcony.

"What is it, Legolas? Why is everyone still standing around, instead of sharpening swords, or feathering arrows, or doing whatever it is you do to prepare for battle?" She asked, looking at Elrond, the twins, Haldir, Gimli and the Hobbits, who were all staring over the balcony's railing.

."We're looking at our enemy."

"They're here already?" Misha yelled, grabbing hold of the front of Legolas' tunic. "How many are there? Two thousandfour thousand_ten_ thousand? Oh, my godwe are SO doomed"

"Two."

"Two thousandgods, we'll still be outnumbered!"

"Nojust _two_."

"Huh?"

"There are _two_ enemies. _Just_ two. Look," Legolas said, putting his head on Misha's head and swiveling it in the direction everyone was looking.

Misha felt a tremendous snort rising up her throat from her belly, threatening to spill out of her nose. She clamped a hand over her mouth and nose in an effort to keep it in.

Their enemies were approaching all rightSauron was dragging his sorry butt up the path to Rivendell with the Dragonlady perched on his shoulders, beating his back with a riding crop and shrieking at the top of her lungs like a banshee.

Coming to a stop just below the balcony, the Dragonlady screeched, "Surrender, Dorothy, erI told you a thousand times on the way over that his name is EL_ROND_!" Sauron yelled from somewhere between the Dragonlady's thighs.

"El_rond_, then," the Dragonlady sniffed, smacking Sauron on the head with her riding crop. "Surrender, Elrond!"

"I keep telling you that you're wasting your timehe's not going to surrender - there are only two of us!" Sauron bellowed, then yelped as the Dragonlady rapped him on the head again with her riding crop.

"And _I_ told _you_ that I was not spending the rest of my life in that _pit_ you call your kingdom! No air-conditioning? No electricity? There wasn't even any indoor plumbing!" The Dragonlady screeched, rapping Sauron on the head yet again.

"If you so much as _wave_ that thing in the direction of my head one more time, woman, I will turn you into a cockroach and step on you!"

"Oh, big talk from the big man! You weren't talking so big last night! Want me to tell them how you called me "Mommy" and made me spank"

"No! NO!"

"Then tell him to surrender!"

Looking up pitifully at the balcony, Sauron addressed Elrond, who was looking down at him, smirking.

"Elrondplease! Have a heart! I know I tried to plunder, pillage, and rape my way across Arda, and enslave everybody in the process, but haven't I suffered enough? Do I really deserve _this_ too?"

"You've _got_ to be kidding," Elrond replied, chuckling. He elbowed Haldir, who had the good grace to swallow his own laughter. He knew better than anyone what Sauron must be going through.

"Come onjust a little piece of the kingdom, okay? A parcel of landan acrea couple of feet of rocky ground and a tarpaper shanty! _Anything_!" Sauron was pleading, the Dragonlady's fingers digging into his shoulders.

Legolas leaned over and whispered into Elrond's ear. Elrond's eyebrows shot up, and he turned to stare at Legolas.

"You're joking, right? You want me to let them live here? In Rivendell? The BeastMaster and the Beast? Are you daft?"

"It's Sam the Tall's motheryou don't realize how tenacious this woman is. She won't give up and go away, Elrond. She'll haunt you day and night until you either give in or sail to Valinor, and I can pretty much guarantee that she'll find a way to haunt you there, too."

Elrond looked over at the Dragonlady, who was alternately beating Sauron about the ears with her riding crop and yelling obscenities at those on the balcony. Elrond actually felt almost sorry for Sauron. Sighing, he said, "All rightall right. You can have that piece of ground along the west boundary - the one with the quicksand and warg nests."

"Eru will bless you, Elrond! Thank you!" Sauron shouted, his lips actually forming a close approximation of a smile. "You hear that, sweetie? We won. Will you stop hitting me now?" he said, looking up at the Dragonlady.

"Let's go. You have a lot of work to do, Mr. Wizard. I want a huge palace, with servants, and plumbing, and a big brass bed, and clothes, and parties" Dragonlady's shrill voice faded into the distance, as Sauron carried her away to the piece of land just given him by Elrond.

Everyone on the balcony could nearly hear him thinking about dumping her in the first patch of quicksand he came across.

Sam the Tall stepped out onto the balcony, craning her neck to see around Haldir. "Was that my mom?" she asked Haldir, poking him in the ribs.

"Ouch! Yes, it was, and what are you poking me with?" Haldir replied, rubbing the spot on his ribs. He grabbed her hand and looked at the dull knife.

"Heyisn't this the dagger that Celebrian gave Elrond at their betrothal?"

"Oops. UmI just borrowed itI'll go put it back now," Sam the Tall said sheepishly, ignoring Elrond's stare.

"Sowhat do we do now?" Misha asked Legolas, who gave her a very lascivious look back. "Oh, no, palI was very drunk on imaginary wine when that happened!" She pushed Legolas back a couple of feet.

"Drunk, huh? HmmI have an idea," Legolas said, turning to Elrond. "I think it's time for a feast! Don't you agree, Elrond?" Legolas winked at the Lord of Imaldris, who immediately caught on.  
  
"Yesyes, indeed! I do believe we have all earned a reward. A feast it iswith roast meats, fresh fruits and lots of wine and ale."

"Ale?" Merry said, his ears picking up immediately.

"Lots and lots of ale," Legolas repeated, smiling at Misha.


	33. Exceptionally Hot, Wonderful, Sexy, So M

**Disclaimer:** Take a guess...**Bird:** Haldir, what do you think you are doing? **Haldir:** grumbling If that blonde ditz can write a chapter, then so can I...**Bird:** oh dear rolls eyes can't you two just drop this whole ego thing? **Haldir:** what ego...? I am just better than him...he is arrogant, and egotistical, and big headed...and I am wonderful and kind, and gentle...**Bird**: and oh so very modest and humble sarcastic **Haldir:** sarcasm is lost on him...oh yeah, and that too...:D

**AN: **I just wanted to say that I can write WAY better than any poncy blonde Mirkwood princeling any day...WHO can beat him in archery!? ME! WHO can outrun him!? ME! Who is TEN times better in bed than him!?

**Celeborn:** ME!

**Author:** bleah! Who asked you...!

**TICS A/N:** We have a guest author! Finally! It's Bird! Unfortunately, Bird has informed us that Haldir has insisted on writing this chapter...and we already know what happens when we let the Elves near the keyboard. So hold on to your hats, folks...

**Exceptionally Hot, Wonderful, Sexy, So Much Better Than Sir Sucky-Elf**

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It was the night of the feast, the feast the Mirkwood brat wanted to throw in honor of his stupid self. HA! He thinks he is so great, but I am the one all the ladies drool over.

Anyway, it was the night of the feast, and I was looking exceptionally hot. Sam-the-Tall wouldn't be able to keep her hands off of me. After all the crap the Dragon Lady, er, her mother had put her through, she needed a real man, um, Elf to help her forget what had happened. Of course I was just the elf for the job.

I took one more look in the mirror, pausing briefly to adjust my stunning tunic, the color of passion. Sam-the-Tall would be in for a shock.

As I made my way to the great hall for the feast, I bumped into he-who-shall-remain-nameless.

He was awfully and irritatingly perky.

"Oh, Haldir, don't you just look dashing...too bad you aren't as handsome as me. You might have actually had a chance with the ladies tonight..." He said in a saccharine sing-song voice.

GRRR! Oh the urge I felt to smack the little smirk off his face. But once again, I proved that I was the bigger elf, and kept my mouth shut as he skipped away happily.

I entered the great hall, and immediately saw Sam-the-Tall. By Eru, she was beautiful. Her dress was stunning and accented every curve of her body.

"Hal, you are creating a slipping hazard-"

"-We suggest you close your mouth and stop drooling on the floor."

At 'Ro and 'Dan's comment, I promptly looked down, and indeed, a puddle had begun to form at my feet. Slightly embarrassed, but glad that He-who-shall-not-be-mentioned had not noticed as he was in another corner trying to show off his pitiful excuses for muscles to Misha.

Misha, poor unfortunate soul, was obviously bored with his excessive showing off. However, she was feigning interest rather well. Her cheeks were rather pink, and I suspected that since the princeling had shown up, she had drunk several glasses of Elrond's miruvor.

In another corner, Jessie was completely surrounded by her hobbit admirers, who were waiting on her hand and foot.

"Frodo, I would LOVE another glass of wine," she smiled drunkenly at him. Merry and Pippin probably would have been eager to rush off and beat Frodo, but the two were already well into their fifth tankard of ale. Besides, they were probably enjoying what they were doing more...rubbing Jessie's feet, which were propped up in a very un-lady like manner on the table.

Sam the Hobbit just sat and stared at Jessie with puppy dog eyes.

I recovered from the scene and approached Sam-the-Tall. She faced away from me, and I startled her when I lightly touched her shoulder. Abruptly she turned and slammed face-first into my chest, spilling her glass of wine all down the front of her dress and my tunic.

Oh the possibilities that ran through my mind, as she blushed attractively at our situation. One certain thought crossed my mind...but I quickly squashed it as I remembered that I was typing a PG-13 fic.

Sam-the-Tall opened her mouth to speak, but quickly shut it as an earsplitting sound jarred the peaceful sounds of the party. It seemed awfully similar to microphone feedback, which I was told later, and we all turned to look at the front entrance to the front hall.

"Um, Is this on?" Elrond was looking slightly confused as he cautiously spoke into the little electronic device.

This little device would raise a lot of questions later among all present, especially from Misha, Jessie, and Sam-the-Tall who all wondered how it was working in a world that didn't have electricity.

ANYWAY...back to Elrond.

"I would like to welcome everyone to the First Homely Bash. Contrary to popular belief this is NOT a party in honor of Legolas, but to welcome our newest guests, Jessie, Misha, and Sam-the-tall. These three ladies were ever so wonderful and kind as to help us tame Sauron, and get rid of the dragon-lady." Applause sounded through the hall.

I smirked as I watched Mirkwood-Brat look sad and pitiful over the announcement that the party was NOT in his honor. However, one look back at Misha, and he was completely over it.

Airhead.

ANYWAY!

Sam-The-Tall was totally checking me out. I could feel her eyes on me, so I turned to look at her. I could see her shiver in delight at viewing my most delectable form.

Or maybe it was from the fact that she was still covered in wine? The look she was giving suddenly didn't seem like one of awe and delight, but more like a narrowing of the eyes akin to murder...

Eep.

She stalked towards me.

She angrily stared into my eyes.

I swallowed hard as she opened her mouth.

"You klutz! You ruined my dress! Wine stains DON'T come out!"

I swallowed hard again.

Then I realized something. I am HALDIR! March Warden of Lorien. I was NOT about to let some little bossy human female tell me what was what!

I returned her look, which caused her to only push her face forward more till we were nose to nose.

Eru she smelled wonderful.

My look turned lascivious. Her eyes narrowed further.

I pressed my lips to hers and held her head in my hands.

When I pulled away, her expression had changed to one of surprise. Then she slapped me. Then she marched off in the direction of the-elf-who-really-sucks and Misha. Sir Elf-Sucky had seen the whole thing and was laughing his blonde head off, and giving me the thumbs-up signal.

There was no way I would let her get the best of me in front of everyone. Especially HIM! I didn't care that she'd just had the day from hell...what with the Dragon-Lady and all.

I walked over to where she was standing talking to Misha, ignoring me. I turned her around so that she faced me.

"No one slaps the March Warden of Lorien." With that I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder. Then I turned around and walked with her out of the hall.


	34. Curiosity and Pranks! Wonderful isn't it...

**Disclaimer:** I am the vampire elf and I say we own nothing! **Frodo:** Can I write this chapter? **Nienna:** No... You might become arrogant and become one o them points to Legolas and Haldir **Frodo:** Please? puppy dog eyes **Nienna: **OK! **Frodo:** cackles evilly Feel my wrath puny humans!!! **Readers:** o.O blink blink **Frodo:** I mean, enjoy the chapter!

**A/N:** Anyway I am Frodo and I will write this chapter to show everyone I am not a orthless being that cannot defend himself in the movies! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! coughs

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"Where do you think Haldir's taking Sam?" Merry asked Pippin, poor Merry, if only he knew how dumb Pippin was he wouldn't be stuck with him... Pippin shrugs then shoves a piece of cake into his mouth, "I feel happy... Who wants to do my nails?" Sam asked, as if he couldn't get any gayer... "I say we go follow them!" I said then suddenly Jessie woke up, "Wha?" she said as she stirred out of her sleep, "Hush, my love we are following Haldir as he takes Sam-the-Tall away into his chambers here in Mirkwood" I sai heroically, as always, "Frodo, my love, I shall follow you! In such a dangerous mission, I don't think you will survive!" Jessie said dramatically, "But I cannot risk you getting hurt!" I said as I held her in my arms, "Fine go on... I'll wait here al alone..." Jessie replied grumpily, "Where the heck is your sense of drama?" I asked her then I stormed off after Haldir along with Merry and Pippin leaving Jessie with Sam, I knew that the sight and the sound would be horrible but it was too late to turn back now...

I went near Haldir's room, hoping to find some action, I went closer and closer then I turned the knob on the door then... "FRODO, FRODO WHERE ARE THOU FRODO??!! HOW CAN YOU LEAVE ME THERE WITH THAT HORRIBLE GAY SAMWISE??!!" Jessie shouted out of nowhere and landed on me, forgetting that she was sitting on a guy far more smaller than her, obviously she had too much to drink, again... "EEP!!!" Merry and Pippin screamed like a bunch of babies, except Pippin sounded like a girl, "Please help me get her off..." I growled at the two imbeciles, then suddenly Haldir and Sam-the-Tall came out, "Trust me I don't want to ask..." Sam-the-Tall said, "Ditto" Haldir added and went back inside the room

We all went back to the party where totally wasted people were lying on the ground and we could see Misha on the ground, on top of a shirtless Legolas, it was kinda weird actually...

We all looked around, scouting for survivors, but did we find any? No...

We all retreated to our rooms, with nothing to do, I decided to visit Jessie, but knowing her, she would be asleep or thinking of where to pierce herself next, I crept inside her room and to find her, yes, sleeping with that doll she always carries around, she calls it Joel, I don't know why... I decided not to disturb her and play a prank on Legolas who said that the party was for his little arrogant behind...

I got Merry and Pippin's stuff and went to work and guess what happened the next morning...

I went out of the room and headed towards the bathroom, I have had the best sleep I've ever had ever since I got to Mirkwood and the day was getting even better, soon after I reached the bathroom, Legolas came out with an unnaturally colored hairstyle, "Nice hair!" I commented him on his newly green spiked hair, Legolas grumbled and stormed off, but I guess I forgot to tell him that his pants had a large rip in the back, I snickered, "Life is good..." I smiled and entered the bathroom

I walked to the dining hall to find Legolas and his "new" hair far away from the snickering crowd as possible, I sat next to Jessie who couldn't hide her laughter long enough and burst out laughing, so did everyone else!, "If I knew the guy who did that, I would very much congratulate him forever!" she said then I smiled as I watched the amused faces, in the end, I laughed my arse off too!

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Well that ends it! I hoped you liked it! And Nienna says whoever's writing next, have fun with more pranks on Legolas! If it's short, blame Nienna for having a curfew!!! 


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